Look, The ‘Pie doesn’t like to whinge (not ‘arf!) but they’re making it harder and harder for the old bird. No, no, not 50 Shades ,( but more on that later). No, it’s just that it has become difficult – if not nigh on impossible – to attempt some comedic commentary on the doings of the day when you just can’t top reality. You’ll see what we mean shortly …
But first, since it all starts today, worth noting that not all the criticism of Cricket Word Cup performances come from the commentary box. An anonymous observer … probably a pissed-off Pom, but no one knows … decided to plaster this poster all over Richmond Railway station in Melbourne, one of the main drop-off stations for the Melbourne Cricket ground.
There are conflicting reports that this ad was run by Sportsbet in the UK, where they tend to savage their under-performing sportsmen.
We’ll see who’s laughing tomorrow (at the time of writing, it’s we Aussies … we racked up a target of 342/9).
But it was undoubtedly Canberra which had our attention over the past seven days, especially last Monday. But the outcome of the spill seemed to make Tony Abbott’s demise all the more certain – just the timing more obscure.
And when it comes to front pages on the spill outcome, did The West Australian just luck out with a pre-arranged advertising splash, or did they engineer it?
Either way, a classic.
Professional Abbott brown-noser Ewen’ Dumbo Jumbo’ Jones thought it appropriate for a little touch of the Craig ‘Whyalla Wipeout’ Emerson public performance, only he mercifully chose to dance for the cameras without singing. He was caught in the spotlight by Fairfax snapper Alex Ellinghauser.
Goofy is as Goofy does.
But after all the promises of clarity, the fog of Wingnut’s meaningless verbiage almost instantly set in again. Bentley, always a fan of irony, was particularly incensed by one decision, as he remembered Sydney Harbour in May and June of 1942.
And his subsequent weasel words don’t really change anything much, Bentley is still right.
But as noted in Criky.com, and aired in the Magpie comments during the week, the PM’s promised ‘good government’ from now on – clearly an admission that what had gone before was anything but – was nowhere to be seen. It was just tricky and aggressive business as usual, only worse. Read it in wonder.
The Magpie February 13, 2015 at 3:27 pm (Edit)
Really, how long has he got to go?
Writing on the Crikey.com, Bernard Keane provided this summary of yesterday’s return to ‘good government’, pointing out it was all self-generated.
- Abbott called a report showing, among many other horror stories, that there had been 33 separate incidents of sexual assault of children in Australian care “blatantly partisan” and said the body that produced the report should be “ashamed of itself” — the sort of response that used to characterise Catholic objections to criticism of its handling of paedophiles, when it would claim sectarian victimisation;
- Revealed information about the case of two Sydney men charged with planning a terrorist attack that police had previously refused to release, potentially endangering the chances of a conviction of the men;
- Completely overturned his previous approach of seeking bipartisanship and a “Team Australia” approach to the national security with a deliberate strategy to try to link Labor and its asylum seeker policies with one of the suspects;
- Again failed to explain what process the government would now use to determine the construction of the new Royal Australian Navy submarine fleet, insisting the whole thing was Labor’s fault anyway;
- Boasted about breaking his commitment to not cut funding to the ABC, saying “frankly, it is just as well we did”;
- Failed to articulate what the government’s economic strategy was on the day unemployment surged to a 12-year high;
and • As a kind of rhetorical grace note, accused Labor of being responsible for a “Holocaust” of jobs.
But The ‘Pie hears tell Wingnut has decided that he must consult more, so seeking clarity for his future announcements, he has set up a committee to help him out.
And if you thought those Julia and Tim spoof videos about what went on behind the closed Lodge doors, were funny, ‘Tone’ Abbott is getting the same treatment. Problem is , this ‘Dinner with Tone (and family)’ makes you uncomfortable for laughing. It’s brilliant … and there’s more episodes to come … if, one assumes, he lasts that long.
Moving on. Here in the ‘Ville, a fairly unremarkable week.
The Townsville City Council decided to pony up $270,000 for a new replacement Steinway grand piano for the Civic Theatre, a necessary and worthwhile purchase, given the top flight pianists attracted here for inter alia the Chamber Music Festival. But The ‘Pie did email Clr Sue Blom, head of the purchasing committee, asking that while Steinway was the benchmark for these instruments, had the council given any thought to buying an Australian Stuart grand piano, praised around the world and flying the flag for local craftsmen and wood turners.
No reply has yet been received.‘
And it wouldn’t be a week around this bend in the river without some sort of chortle from the Astonisher. This time, Iditor Pinocchio Heywood got himself in a massive tangle and gave himself away as an A grade fibber, by bursting into print with a very curious, overblown and contradictory wrong claim.
Astonisher iditor Lachlan Heywood.
In a highly selective puff piece, Pinocchio gushed the following: ‘The Monday to Friday edition of the Bulletin recorded a year-on-year print readership increase of 5.3 per cent, or 5000 readers. Emma audience figures show the weekday Bulletin reached 99,000 readers each day in December.’
Umm, hang on , old chum. How’s your memory, recall placing this in your paper a few weeks ago?
Now stay with the old bird here, Lachlan, we all know you’re ‘rithmatically challenged (among other things) so concentrate.
104,000 minus 99,000 is … ta da … a LOSS of 5000 readers. This is further complicated that if, as you claim, the 99,000 readers (a palpable nonsense in itself) is an actual 5.3 per cent INCREASE, the actual figure that should have been run in your own ad must have been 94,000.
His claims about circulation are also a straight exercise in smoke and mirrors, and his claim for 21,246 daily circulation M-to-F appear to include the 1900-odd digital sales, although he goes on to claim an extra 2000 on-line subscriptions. And still they wonder why everyone takes the Townsville Bulletin with grain of salt, which is a great disservice to the good and long-suffering journos still there. Well done, boss.
Cripes, mate, with you whacking up the weekday price to $1.40, surely to Christ you can shout yourself a bloody calculator.
But some good news for your dwindling band of loyal readers, which to your undoubted delight, Lachlan, will always include The Magpie heh heh heh.
When a Magpie commenter had the temerity to suggest the Bulletin was not all thatg it should be, the old bird posted this reply comment to set him straight.
rear window February 12, 2015 at 2:52 pm (Edit)
I can’t be bothered anymore reading the Townville Bulletin. What dribble.
The Magpie February 12, 2015 at 3:43 pm (Edit)
Then that is your loss, rear gunner, you will now never know the joys of the Astonisher’s latest intimate columnist, one Chris McMahon.
Journalist Chris McMahon
Recently joined from Brisbane, CeeMac’s reporting has been unremarkable, white bread stuff so far.
But how lucky are we that we now have Mr McMahon. His column yesterday bodes well for those of us still grieving for the loss of Amanda Grey and her laundry folding tips, Kate Higgins and her collection of ticket stubs, and Matt Dunno Dunn with his sexual fantasies which appealed to those who like creepiness with their crassness; so pine no more for their ever-ready selflessness in sharing their most private moments with us, Big Mac has arrived.
By the end of the second paragraph, Mr McMahon had beguiled us into his world, with his unflinching revelations that he has had an enema, had plaster ripped off off his (he says) hairy chest, and had enjoyed a savage kick in the goolies. He also threw all privacy caution to the winds with the brave straightforward admission about his dislike of house painting.
By this time, The ‘Pie was asking himself, ‘Hey, we’ve got a real find here, what’s not to love?’ And there was a signal in there for those doxies who felt deserted by Dunno, with Mr M making it clear his wife is pro tem still in Brisbane.
And his other resemblance to Dunno was clear when he said, during this all-round whinge about the Marco Polo-esque trail blazing perils of moving house from Brissy to here, ‘The nearest bottle shop may need to stock up on whisky as I have a feeling it may be the only thing that saves me, during this Survivor-eque challenge.’
There, there, chin up, laddie, you’ll make it, brave little fella.
Then your heart really goes out to him, when, suggesting moving house is worthy of a reality TV show, we read: ‘You want high action drama, watch a husband and wife go for a trip to Ikea an then build the furniture, you want tears, watch a husband tell his wife she needs to throw away at least a third of her wardrobe. It (the show) writes itself.’ (If only it did, if only …)
Mr McMahon did not say if the last exchange between him and his lovey dovey led to the afore-mentioned kick in the goolies. Odds on it did.
Then the clincher after a dozen paragraphs of this sadly familiar glop:
‘Tune in next week to an either triumphant me, or an angrier, more spiteful me. Either way, it’s bound to be a good read.’
That would be a nice but unlikely change, Chris. ‘
Adding to the frisson of the above, the headline to his column was a leading-with-your-chin suggestion that Mr McMahon feared he had left his sanity in Brisbane. Well, no evidence to the contrary so far, which also goes for his Twitter profile, which does not bode well when BigMac tells us he’s ‘a pretty funny guy on rare occasions and likes awkward situations’. Quite.
But the florid and torrid prose that had everyone talking this week was the release of movie ’50 Shades of Grey’. By many accounts from connoisseurs among the warm and moist crowd, the S&M of this effort stands for Silly and Modest (apparently not a wee wee or a front bum is sighted in the entire movie). Michael Clarke, local ABC’s knowledgeable and thoughtful film reviewer, did give this effort three stars (he’s notoriously stingy with his stars) explaining that the direction, photography and production was generally high class, it was just let down by the dross of the story itself. OK, The ‘Pie for one takes Michael’s evaluations seriously.
But the movie release has started a tsunami of cyber-space yuk-yukery, much of it re-cycled from when the e-book and then hardcover book hit our cultural consciousness a few years back.
The ‘Pie generally takes the old farts view of the brou-haha.
At that time, this bloke made quite a stir, although no one knew who he was.
John Summers – 50 Shades poetry spoofer
His name is John Summers, revealed now as the real author of the spoof ‘ 50 Shades’ poem mischievously attributed to Pam Ayers. She indignantly denied the somewhat salacious work was hers, but you have to admit, Summers has her cadences and rhythms down pat. Worth another look.
As said before NOT Pam Ayres.
But humans behaving like farm animals had farm animals themselves getting hot and bothered.
And since it’s Valentine’s Day, a reminder of why women around the world took to this fantasy as no other.
Enough now, The ‘Pie is away to Poseurs’ Bar, seeking a stiff drink for himself and perchance to bebubble a suitable lass, with whom he will have a frank discussion about the night’s possibilities. The ‘Pie will make it clear that he prohibits only two things in the bedroom … pointing and laughing.
