Townsville’s conspiracy week in review: the Bulletin lies, The Mullet cries, and did Ewen Jones leak on himself?

Yup, it’s been a doozey of a week, with one of the strangest who dunnits we’ve enjoyed for ages.

Astonisher Iditor Lachlan Heywood has been spectacularly caught out lying in an iditorial this week …

Ewen Dumbo Jones also vies for the clumsy fibber of the week title … but then, he is a politician …

The Astonisher does it’s level best to promote Townsville as Redneck Central …

And has The Magpie unearthed a moment of raw emotion in the life of Jenny Mayor Mullet Hill? You judge the photographic evidence for yourself.

Cor, all that, but first …

‘A Gold Filling In A Mouthful Of Rotten Teeth’

That’s how crankypants pommy film maker and class warrior Lindsay Anderson once described Queen Elizabeth. During the week, this tireless Helen Mirren impersonator became the longest serving British monarch, an occasion that ‘toonist Bentley couldn’t allow pass without a little adulatory comment.

 It is unreliably reported that when the Queen announced that she would remain on the throne to the very end, Charles was heard to mutter ‘Oh, FFS, mummy, givvus a bloody crack at it while I can still walk and Camilla doesn’t look more like a bat-nibbled mango!’

Kim ‘Vulgarina’ Vuga Rises To Great Heights – Thanks To The Astonisher

During the week, The Astonisher continued its established practice of eulogizing, promoting or otherwise affording publicity to petty crims, dodgy businessmen, Z-list celebrities and vulgar bogans generally.

Townsville resident and publicity hound Kim ‘Vulgarina’ Vuga –(who came to attention for her foam flecked anti-Islam rants on SBS) – informed the paper that she ‘might’ run for the Senate next year (The ‘Pie hopes she does, because it will afford us all the chance to let her know what we think of her through the ballot box).

OK, her political tilt, given her established profile, was probably worth a couple of lines around about page 8, but somehow, the Bulletin decided a posed pic (page 4 and front pager pic pointer) in which Townsville is clearly identifiable, was the go. And in a Cronulla riots touch, Vulgarina did the whole country a disservice by waving an outsize Aussie flag, a sad racist misuse of our proud emblem.

This sort of star treatment with a story that slips in a couple of dissenting quotes at the end gives the clear impression that the Townsville Bulletin supports and endorses Vulgarina’s views.

So what stories can we expect next week, The Plight of the Misunderstood Paedophile, perhaps The Upside To Wife Bashing, or better still Why Truth Doesn’t Matter Anymore … oh, wait a minute, The Astonisher can’t run that last one – it’s Commercial-In-Confidence for them.

Dumbo’s Political Advisor In the above story, Vulgarina branded Ewen Jones ‘a traitor’ (Dumbo’s a lot of things, but that ain’t one of them) for making the dopey call for Australia to take in 50,000 Syrian refugees. Unlike other mysterious matters regarding Jones during the week, this idiotic call can be explained – no doubt, as is his habit, he asked Jesus, a bloke who knows a bit about Middle East bastardry.

A Riddle, Wrapped In A Mystery, Inside An Enigma

Anyone recall that old limerick

There was a young gay from Khartoum,

Who took a willing lass to his room,

But they argued all night,

About who had the right,

To do what, and with which, and to whom.

Well, that sort of circular argument was in full force around town during the week. The back story about Ewen Jones latest brain fade is the best head scratcher we’ve had since … well, probably since he last said something.

Last Tuesday, Galoot Galloway (who else?) ran a story about Dumbo advising Jayne Arlett not to have a tilt as the conservative mayoral candidate. In a pot/kettle bit of muddled reasoning, he said she lacked ‘government experience’.

This prompted all sorts of argy bargy, with everyone wondering what the hell Ewen was on about now, ignoring Will Rogers sage advice, ‘never miss an opportunity to keep your mouth shut’.

But there were myriad dark alleys and cul-de-sacs in all this. Ewen spent the rest of Tuesday trying to say he never said any such thing, then that he’d been misunderstood, then the dog ate his homework. Confusing stuff.

This was directly contradicted by Jayne Arlett herself, who had gone to chat about her likely candidature with Ewen as she saw him as respected (ha!) LNP figure. Ms Arlett says the conversation was private and just between the two of them, and, yes, he did urge her not to run.

She said she was confused and taken aback when she saw the paper, so she rang The Astonisher and asked (presumably Galoot) where it had come from. He said he rang Jones about it, who had then made the quoted comments.

Now that is the first crucial question: how did Galoot know to ring Jones about a private remark – if Jones hadn’t actually given the heads up himself? A close Jones friend said someone else must’ve leaked it. But who knew? In an email reply to The ‘Pie, Jones refused to confirm what passed in any conversation he may or may not have had with Ms Arlett, just repeating the underlying point about experience. He did not comment on how the paper got hold of the story.

Since Arlett herself wouldn’t have leaked it – why would she, it was aimed at damaging her – then we are left to contemplate whether Jones panicked when he realized what a disloyal ass he had made of himself (again) and went into fibbing denial on radio about contacting the paper. All this is possibly a measure of the panic in the Mullet/Labor camp, and at The Astonisher, which is clearly plumping for Jenny Hill.

The story put Jones well in the shit with his LNP betters, and The ‘Pie’s own conspiracy theory is that the paper was letting Jones know that it could cause trouble unless he fell in with the Astonisher’s stand-alone stadium agenda deserving federal monehy. The ‘Pie reaches this conclusion from the thinly veiled threat in the recent ‘Townsville’s 50 Most Influential’, which ended the brief bio of Jones #5 ranking with this line: ’It will be interesting to see if he supports the Townsville stadium project ahead of the federal election.’

But if Jones is fibbing, he sure ain’t the biggest offender.

Lies, Damed Lies And The Townsville Bulletin

The Jones/Arlett story has made it a bumper week for the bumbling iditor of the Daily Astonisher. Perhaps for once, Pinocchio Heywood is glad that his fence-sitting bromides are generally read only by other journalists, politicians and The Magpie.

In a cack-handed effort to anoint the panicked Jenny Hill and Labor as the paper’s chosen candidate, Pinocchio slipped in what can only be a blatant and deliberate lie to his usual cowardly fence sitting finger-wagging on Tuesday, when he said ‘Mayoral hopeful Jayne Arlett is being urged not to put her hat in the ring for the top job.Ms Arlett has expressed an interest in running for the mayoralty on a conservative ticket but is yet to formally announce her candidacy.Her decision will likely be made more difficult by pressure from the likes of federal LNP MP Ewen Jones, who along with several high-profile businessmen has advised Ms Arlett against running.’

That last bit is a deliberate lie, no one who could remotely be described as ‘high profile businessmen have done any such thing. Says who, you ask? Well, Jayne Arlett for one, and that’s enough. Of course, Ms Arlett did not reach that conclusion about Heywood, or say anything like that. She didn’t have to, The ‘Pie has made no mistake in joining the dots to reach that conclusion.

The old bird asked Mr Arlett who such ‘high profile businessmen’ might be. She was emphatic.

‘No one, not one single business person, has said any such thing to me. In fact, quite the opposite, any that I’ve spoken to have strongly supported the idea of me running for mayor.’ She said Peter Tapiolas, quoted in Galoot Galloway’s story with an ambiguous statement which sounds like an answer to a Galloway ambush, had not spoken to her at all about her plans.

So when it comes to Pinocchio and his paper, The ‘Pie can only fall back on the wisdom of old Freddy Nietzsche: ‘I’m not upset that you lied to me, I’m upset that from now on, I can’t believe you.’

Although The Townsville Bulletin passed that point long ago.

But Still They Persist

On the matter of the stadium, the Astonisher stubbornly refuses to even remotely judge the community attitude – even when they print the fact themselves. This web page carries a daily poll question on which readers can have a yes/no opinion.

Can’t have had enough staff on to up the ‘yes’ vote that day, but it looks like that day’s entire readership had a say. How the paper gets around this is suggesting the Feds should pony up, although Canberra – and Dumbo –  made it crystal and correctly clear, they are not in the business of funding money-losing stadiums, that’s a state job.

Adding to the Astonisher’s woes, The ‘Pie has reliably learnt that NRL CEO knows exactly where the Townsville Council stands on a stand-alone stadium project, which could be ruinous for ratepayers.

During a recent meeting between councillors, the NRL hierarchy and project proponents, one councilor asked for a solid agreement on keeping pricing structures at a reasonable level. None was forthcoming. Incensed, the councillor then said directly to the NRL CEO what others would only say in private, that ‘This is the biggest con anyone has ever tried to perpetrate on the people of Townsville, you get the stadium and then all the other stages (convention/entertainment/ arts centre) will be conveniently forgotten, or suddenly too expensive.’ End of meeting.

Strange, didn’t see that quoted in The Astonisher but if the iditor gives Lozza Lancini a ring, he’ll confirm it, he was there at that meeting.

New Angle On Whatever It Takes

While we’re in Lanciniland, it seems Lozza is tireless in his efforts to get his beloved team a new CBD home – which will be a good thing when there is the money for a fully integrated project.

Be worth keeping an eye on the TV cutaway shots at the Cowboys finals games to see just who Lozza’s guests are.

At a recent game in Townsville, Lozza ‘duchessed’ as they say, one Graham Richardson, a frequent visitor to the ‘Ville for business interests (apparently he has a chunk of the Watermark action). It seemed Lancini was keen to keep his guests presence out of the limelight, but Magpie spies are in the rafters everywhere. Why so coy?

One wonders if Richo is being prevailed upon to lean on the Palaszczuk Government to up their promised $100M for the stadium? Or is Richo being positioned to do the same if Labor gets in federally?

Would seem Lozza has adopted Richo’s famous political slogan ‘Whatever it takes’.

Notes From The Coast

Good news for Cardwell folks … seems Craig Gore, as The Magpie predicted, has done a Chrisopher Skase and skipped the country to avoid the law. He, the missus and the kids have re-located to Phoenix, Arizona ‘to start a fresh’, after the standard bankrupt’s luxury holiday touring the world. And what a coincidence … a goodly chunk of the four or five million he ripped off from superannuate investors was spent on buying ‘distressed’ property in … ta da … Phoenix, Arizona. To ensure the fresh start is complete, maybe he‘ll think it appropriate to again adopt a bogus name he used during his scamming days on the Coast – Jackson Morgan-Phoneix We will be watching to see if this grubby Phoneix rises again from the ashes of his crimes.

But at least the people of Cardwell have a better chance that any revitalization of the Hinchinbrook Resort will be on the level now that Gore is (presumably) sidelined from that little venture. That’s a maybe. We’ll be watching that, too.

The Magpie’s Message To Les Walker. ‘It Wasn’t Me!’

Speaking of bird’s in rafter’s, a honking laugh came down the MagpieFone recently, as a bloke about town related a snippet that greatly amused him.

Recently, Messagebank, ever cutting a dapper figure, was waiting in the council forecourt for a function to begin when a passing pigeon scored a direct hit on the front of the Messagebank shirt. The councilor rapidly disappeared, and when he returned, he went through the entire proceedings with a damp patch prominently on display.

That’s nothing Les, The ‘Pie hears there is talk of erecting a statue of you on The Strand, in recogniition of your selfless sterling work for our city. And there is a whole load of The ‘Pie’s pals who can hardly wait for the unveiling.

Our Late Mayor Goes One Better Than A Tardy Arrival

As has been mentioned here before, Mayor Mullet has perfected the questionable tactic of late arrival at functions, making a Queen Bee entrance, and often staying only a few minutes. Premier Palaszczuk recently came to Townsville for the ‘Redefining Townsville’ gabfest, and talked for two hours. Our Mayor trudged out after staying just 15 minutes. Perhaps her role should be redefined to her.

But now she’s upped the ante. Mayor Mullet was a head table guest of honour at the JCU Alumni Awards breakfast at Jupiters, where our best and brightest around the world were extolled for their high achievements.

Jenny didn’t arrive late … she just didn’t arrive. And it would seem there was no apology or advice of being a no show from the mayor’s office, VC Sandra Harding’s welcome included the mayor as though she was there, or at least going to be.

Maybe the poor dear had another hard night on the turps out at the (army bikers) Patriots clubhouse.

But spare a thought for our selfless leader, she’s in a bit of turmoil right now.

There she was, swanning along nicely to the local government elections in March, set to give Tony Parsnip a drubbing at the polls, when he suddenly pulls out of the race, and popular boss of the Fire and successful local businesswoman Jayne Arlett signals that she’ll lead the Townsville First crowd.

The ‘Pie has procured what is purported to be a heart-wrenching photograph of Jenny Hill’s reaction to this reversal of circumstances. No guarantee that this is kosher, but it looks about right.

And finally, one for pet lovers from the kinky Tim Whyatt.

mmm