Some choice, Queenslanders. One week to go, and Queensland becomes Bizarreland, with political carney barking like side show alley at the Ekka.

If we didn’t care about our state and our future, this would have to be the most entertaining, jaw-dropping election campaign ever, what with The Sydney Parrot taking on The Brisbane Bantam, the Police Union boss calling the Premier a liar, and one pollie creating a silent seagull dance to replace the usual ‘no comment’. And The Magpie spurns the polls and gives you a rundown on the most reliable indicators – the bookies, who are rarely wrong. And boy, are some wannabees in strife.

The Townsville Daily Astonisher weighs in with a helpful bit of advice for those unsure about voting – a rare even-handed snippet over and above their headless chook coverage generally in favor of the anyone who says anything remotely nice about their lost cause, the superstadium.

Bentley bangs his weekly nail on the head, you get a peek at an eye-poppingly different game of thrones, and the video with the surprise ending of the year so far.

But, oh, dear, this bloody election. Never before have so many people been asking themselves how things have come down to voting for the spectacularly  ‘least worse’ choice.

On the one hand, we have someone with an alphabet soup of a name who perennially sports the furrowed brow of someone suspecting a sudden breakthrough in her chronic constipation …

…and on the other …

… a bloke who looks like Gollum’s little brother gone right, but still harboring the Smeagle family’s lust for power.

Between the droning of the drone and the opposing bright-eyed and shining insincerity, we’re all bewildered. Others call Queensland the hillbilly state, but things have got so bad, we’re making those guys in of Deliverance look like Seven Day Adventists.

Just a summary of the past few days.

Last night, in a public debate, Campbell Newman accused Labor of being bankrolled by bikie gangs via corrupt unions. This from a bloke who changed the law to, in practical terms,  political donations can be to be completely masked and secret. So maybe the Gold Coast mafia has been hitting the LNP cookie jar. Like, who knows?

Then there is the situation, which, if reversed into another state’s election, is laughably unthinkable.

The Sydney Parrot, Alana Jones, decides to use his ownership clout to do a special series of election broadcasts on Brisbane radio, slamming the LNP and calling the premier a liar. His bluster and impertinent intervention is followed by the astoundingly stupid political riposte from Newman and several of his ministerial henchmen of suing Jones mid-campaign, adding acres and hours of extra publicity to the claims. Which, given the track record since being elected, ain’t so sensational really.

Then the starey-eyed, perpetually cranky mouthpiece for the state’s coppers, Ian Leavers, decides to parrot the parrot, and also claim Newman lied to him, too. Funny though, no mention (yet) of suing Leavers. This last matter really got Bentley’s dander red-lining.

But top of these political pops has to be the crackpot antics of Gold Coast MP Ray Stevens.

This ethics-free zone of Gold Coast rortery has openly declared to parliament that he has invested in, and will be a consultant to, a sky-rail project planned for national park areas behind the Gold Coast – all the while remaining an MP and mingling with those in the halls of power who will decide if the project can go ahead. But oh dearie me no, he will not have anything to do with the ultimate decisions, and will have no input to the outcome, perish the thought.

Oh, Obeid … err, sorry, meant Oh Dear.

Somehow, Premier Newman, being of the Joh’ Yeah, What’s Wrong With That School of Ethics’, accepted this is all okdoaky.

But, although Stevens is as thick as a Clive Palmer supper sandwich, it has apparently penetrated through his denseness enough to know that the odour is nigh-on unbearable. Especially to pesky journalists, as one found out this week – this is how the whole thing came about, but the idiocy starts at the 2 minute mark.

Strangely enough, the twit’s namesake, American singer-songwriter and (intended) comedian Ray Stevens wrote a song which could give us a clue to these goings on – after all, the Gold Coast is a paradise for those partial to a recreational boost from chemicals.   –  Jeremiah Peabody’s Polyunsaturated Quick-Dissolving, Fast-Acting, Pleasant-Tasting Green and Purple Pills.’ Give yourselves a foot-tappin’; break and relive a time when things weren’t so complicated.

With one week to go, the professional polling people are into overdrive, making whatever money they can in those seven days. But Mongrel the Barrister has some sage advice ‘Just check what the bookies are saying, their in it for the money, and they’re rarely wrong.’

So here’s how it stands, as of this weekend, with the Sports Bet people.

First of all, here’s the one could easily make policy promises topsy-turvey.

But even if the Brisbane Bantam ends up a feather duster, the money says the LNP will still win.

No surprises there, with the primary vote predicted – as in betting favouritism –  this way.

So how many seats do you reckon the LNP will lose? Somewhere in the mid-t -low twenties is the agency’s most likely outcome, shortest being 24 at $5.50.

On the local scene here in the ‘Ville, the LNP blokes clackers will be sounding like a ditch full of ducks right now, when they look at these prognostications.

It’s often hard to suggest good news in these sorts of charts but there are definitely happy days for the majority of voters in a couple of areas.

Now The ‘Pie doesn’t want to play the urger, but he’s looking at taking the odds of which mob of twicers wins the most seats, with both major parties at $1.87.Interesting odds, because a turn-around of the magnitude needed seems a bigger stretch than Gina Rinehardt’s panty elastic. So a modest investment of, say, a grand on the LNP looks a good thing to sling you a lazy $870 profit. Anybody out there lend the old bird a grand? No, thought not.

Well, if  this hopeful gets over the line and kinto government, she’s clearly a shoo-in for Education Minister …

If she gets re-elected to ‘parliament’. Yes, yes, glass houses and all that, but The ‘Pie ain’t up for office.

Oh and in the most useful bit of information that the Townsville Bulletin has offered all week came a few days ago. You’ll remember recently the paper showed a drawing of a light bulb with the helpful caption ‘a light bulb’? Well, that’s been pipped for Caption of the Year, and this seems to be house style now. Here’s the paper’s helpful hint that will save you drongos bewilderment and anxiety when voting next Saturday.

How to they know it’s a man? Because he’s a pirate?

And whoever gets in as Tourism Minister, they might need to have a word of advice locally. The respected Traveller publication recently ran a panel of vox pops from folks like chef Rick Stein and other luminaries … and included Swedish backpacker Sonia Ruyter.

Everything was ticket-boo through the questions about why Australia is such a top spot UNTIL we got to this … 

Is there a place to be avoided?

Rick Stein: Circular Quay on New Year’s Eve and the Top End in the rainy season.

Harsha Bogle: There must be, but I haven’t come across it, although maybe batting in a Test match with Australian fielders close by might be one …

Arj Barker: I do my best stay away from hospitals and police stations whenever I travel.

Graham Boynton: I wouldn’t say there’s anywhere in Australia to be avoided, but then as visitors, we probably don’t see your worst areas. You must have something like The Projects [bad state housing] but I haven’t seen them.

Sonia Ruyter: Townsville. Everywhere I’ve been in Australia, people have been very friendly, but not in Townsville. You can say Hello to people and ask them for directions anywhere, but in Townsville, they just walk past.

Of course, it would the cheapest of cheap shots to suggest that Ms Ruyter is cranky because she didn’t raise enough local interest to live up to her surname.

But if that gives you the tom tits, there’s an ideal place to consider suitable ripostes. One place where we all spend a lot of time pondering matters, and probably more than usual over the next week, is the throne room. This is a retreat and refuge for the great and for the humble alike, where thoughts of importance for the occupant fill those moments waiting for the primary action.

Little doubt that Ray Stevens antics sent many to the little room in the house … and not just locally; word spread rapidly and the great and the good wondered at our seagull dancer. Like …

And spiritual guidance was obviously the order of the day for Pope Francis …

Nature is a great leveller, and so is the skilled and clever artist Cristina Guggeri.

Finally, if this bloke looks saner than Ray Stevens …

don’t be too sure … he may not be. Going by the somewhat sissy name of Candide Thovex, this bloke is anything but faint-hearted. Certifiable perhaps, but he  sure doesn’t dog it. Here’s his idea of just another day. The video has a couple of moments to make you genuinely jump towards the end and finishes with a neat surprise, so stick with it.

While there’s unlikely to be any neat or pleasant surprises next weekend, remember, vote early and vote often … if at all.