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The Magpie

Saturday, November 18th, 2017   |   137 comments

TOWNSVILLE BULLETIN NATIONAL EXCLUSIVE: Paper Claims Anna Palaszczuk Is A Cross-Dressing Homosexual Man! They Really Do!

The Magpie kids you not, the Astonisher makes the claim prominently on its front page of Saturday’s paper. The ‘Pie reveals all.

Mayor Mullet’s hailed a visionary leader with her latest thought fa… err, innovative initiative. Then she goes to the dogs, literally. Well, a dog.

And Bushland Beach facing major storm surge which could wipe it out … well, that’s only according to the Astonisher’s Real Estate Guide.

But first …

Will It Never End

Just when we thought there was a merciful end to television and newspaper images of blokes wet slobbering other blokes, and gals going the tongue on each other, it looks like we face another round of suck face while the bill is debated in parliament. Then some more when SSM couples sashay down the aisle to meet marriage reality. The ‘Pie has no issue with SSM, but he finds even hetros lip-nibbling in public an unwanted invitation into the personal lives of total strangers. Those titillated by such fare are variously folks who also gorge on recreational grief ‘I really really loved Princess Diana’, repressed geeks in rooms lit only by a glowing spotty computer screen, or are those who fit the description of Liberace by pommy columnist Cassandra (William Connor) who copped a record libel payout for describing the bespangled poofy pianist as “…the summit of sex – the pinnacle of masculine, feminine and neuter. Everything that he, she and it can ever want… a deadly, winking, sniggering, snuggling, chromium-plated, scent-impregnated, luminous, quivering, giggling, fruit-flavoured, mincing, ice-covered heap of mother love.” Footnote: Liberace lied to the court and after being revealed as gay in later life, died from AIDS related pneumonia.

The Yes-No vote has managed to further split the Australian community because a lily-livered running scared government abdicated leadership and made it a cruel and protracted public circus, instead of doing what they will now do, and decide the matter in Parliament. Which of course will be what it always should have been $122million ago … legalise SSM. God, they’re gutless wonders.

The vitriol, not exclusively from the No side, made it clear that when the right thing is done and SSM becomes law, deep resentment of both the method and the fact will permanently simmer throughout Australian society. Samuel Butler summed up that sad situation more than 400 years ago when he wrote:

He that complies against his will

Is of his own opinion still

Which he may adhere to, yet disown,

For reasons to himself best known

It’s a rare day when The Magpie lets the Sydney Daily Terrorgragh speak for him, but while all other papers had from pages decked out in rainbow colours and gushy headlines, the Tele summed up just how over it the 85% of non-gay Aussies feel.

 Screen shot 2017-11-16 at 2.27.06 PM

Others are now touting the boost to the economy as the wedding industry gears up for lucrative times ahead (average cost of a wedding: $38,000!!!) But Bentley sees some token resistance from some certain hypocrites.

church weddings

Protection Racket?

Seems great cartooning minds think alike about certain areas of double standards.

A very crucial debate about the effect SSM legislation will have on free speech and freedom of belief has already started, with some legitimate concerns that the new law will force many to ‘comply against their will’. Particularly in the area of religion, where there are calls for protection for those who don’t agree with SSM. Larry Pickering sees the irony of these strange days.

15112017 protection SS

But Does Anna’s Bloke Know About This?

Who is writing the Astonisher’s headlines, this bloke?

alf garnett

Or some disappointed schoolyard foot stamper? Whoever it is, they either don’t understand English, or they revel in prepubescent name calling without knowing what they’re saying. Anna Alphabet has copped a juvenile spray for having the temerity to ‘snub’ a demand from the Townsville Bulletin to take part in a leaders debate this coming week. But the  premier never at any stage agreed to appear at the Bulletin sponsored party political debate next Wednesday in Townsville – the paper even acknowledges that the Premier was never a sure thing in its own ads for the gabfest.

debate ad ‘Tentative’ means of course, not certain or fixed, provisional. This ad itself was part of the standard bullying hubris that permeates News Ltd, an attempt to panic her into dancing to their tune.  

But boy, did The Astonisher rip up the nighty big time when she told them in good time that ‘she was unable to move a previous commitment (for next Wednesday) to another day’ and wouldn’t be able to make it. With all the authority and intelligence of an 8-year-old brandishing a cap pistol, the paper graced us with this embarrassing toe-curler front page.

Screen shot 2017-11-18 at 10.14.07 PM

pansy 3Now, putting aside the up-themselves arrogance of a tail wishing to wag the dog, calling the female premier a homosexual man breaks new ground even for this dying remanent of real journalism. FYI chuckleheads – Merriams dictionary: pansy |ˈpanzē|noun informal offensive an effeminate or homosexual man.

Tell us, would you, madam iditor, if Tim Nicholls had a prior commitment he had to honour instead of being harangued into attending your little hootenanny, would you have described him in similar derogatory female terms like ‘rug muncher’, ‘lezzo’ or even ‘dyke’

One imagines not … or imagined not until this front page.

Well, at least one advertiser agrees with you on your audience reach (top right).

Screen shot 2017-11-18 at 10.39.39 AM

Leading The Parade

Has Mayor Mullet just heard the American saying, ‘when you’re being run out of town, get to the head of the mob and look like you’re leading a parade’?

Let’s face it. It’s been a rough week for Madam Mullet, but finally some relief for our beleaguered mayor, who continues to be pilloried for plundering the ratepayers piggy bank at the behest of the billionaire corporate shyster, ‘Got’em’ Adani.

But now, Mayor Mullet is being praised from all points of the compass, with words like ‘visionary’ ‘inspirational’, ‘profound’ and ‘She WHAT?!?’ being bandied about. This all follows her Tuesday announcement of the innovative five week Basic Blitz campaign, during which council workers will be directed to clean and fix footpaths and gutters, remove graffiti, mow and weed public spaces, mulch gardens beds and repair water leaks.

Now, how’s that for thinking outside the brown paper bag!

townsville logo

Who else but a leadership genius could have the vision and imagination to make an announcement that the council will do what a council is meant to do in the first place, and make it sound like an innovative masterstroke of a caring mayor.

But Don’t Scoff, Old Bird

And it appears it has weaved its magic on business leaders, who have made similar pledges in support of the mayor’s push for forward thinking strategies.

Ferry boss Paul Victory says he was inspired. ‘I intend to follow the Mayor Mullet’s uplifting example, and have instructed all my staff to accept passengers for ferry trips and for all crews to follow the roster of services between here and Magnetic Island, and Palm Island. This will demonstrate that like the mayor, we mean business.’

The manager of the Townsville Airport, Kevin ‘Rhymes With’ Gill, was similarly impressed. ‘ I have checked with my Gold Coast bosses, who have had nothing but praise for the mayor’s breakthrough tactic, so I am allowed to proudly announce that we will continue to encourage passengers to board and disembark from flights, and we will exhort pilots to land and take-off as per airline schedules and in an orderly manner (wheels down, bubble up, as they say.) We believe this show of good faith will eventually see the Townsville community come to favourably regard our reasonable request to finance an improved asset for our company for which they will be poorer but prouder.’

Townsville Enterprise sock-puppet CEO ‘Little Patty’ O’Callaghan was uncharacteristically gushing in her support and example set by the mayor. ‘This, like all the other matters I comment on, is a great idea by my deputy chairman of the TEL board, of which I heartily approve. And of course, I will in due time, follow Mayor Mullet’s example and suitably instruct my staff what to do, once I find out what it is that they actually do do.’

Former mayor His Radiance Tony Mooney, now wrestling with the lucrative but demanding job of chairman of the Townsville Hospital Board, had nothing but accolades for his old bosom Labor buddy Mayor Mullet. ‘Who else could’ve thought that up? It is typical of her leadership, and the calibre of grasp she has on the job,’ he told The Magpie, and denied he was being ambiguous. ‘And to show that we will not be out-done by one of the best mayor’s we’ve had in the past three years, I declare that this hospital will continue to treat ill people and accident victims, operate on them when necessary and empty their bedpans.’ And Mr Mooney pledged to ensure a sharing and caring work environment, promising his own unique counselling experience. ‘I have advised staff that if I catch any of staff bullying someone, it will be out to the back car park where I will personally beat the living tripe out of them.’

Others have rushed to get on the bandwagon. Townsville Turf Club CEO Cassandra Cazzulino said she was excited by the initiative, and promised that the club will run meetings that feature horses. But she insisted she would release the finishing order of any fixture only AFTER the race has been run.

When contacted for comment all three state MPs and the federal MP were uniform in their response. ‘Let me get back to you on that,’ they all sad,

They haven’t.

For Mayor Mullet, Life’s A Bitch And A Bit Of A Mongrel

A liberal offer ... Mayor Mullet stuns us.

Mayor Mullet noticing a counincillor voting ‘no”.

As a measure of the deep horror being experienced by Mayor Mullet as she realises the depths of the Adani airstrip ‘error’, it seems she is seeking an image makeover, showing her caring, sharing side, which her humble nature has hitherto kept well hidden.

So during the week, she’s gone to the dogs. This popped up on social media, as reported in comments at the time.

The Magpie 

November 14, 2017 at 9:45 pm  (Edit)

Screen shot 2017-11-14 at 9.31.22 PM

‘Gunna hafta teach this gal about grooming.’

There are bomb sniffer dogs, drug sniffer dogs, even earthquake victim sniffer dogs, but a first for Townsville – a plot sniffer dog.

Mayor Mullet has just purchased … with ratepayers money, of course …. a plot sniffer dog. Try as she might, she cannot find her lost plot and hopes that Gautam – that’s what she’s named the puzzled pooch – will locate it. Don’t be surprised if it turns up in Dolan Hayes briefcase. It includes strategies like ‘ get a photo with a lost dog …. people love it and it makes you look human … sort of.’

Check the link here (if it hasn’t been removed because they realise what a comic shit storm it has sparked) for the hilarious comments. And proof of the Magpie’s deduction of a softening strategy, a couple of days later, we got this – complete again with more hilarious comments from the unfooled.

Jenny Hill and dog

Now, call The ‘Pie a cynic (what!!? Heaven forfend) but he’s willing to bet that a Mullet whisperer got her to find a mutt she figured she and her family would like, then spun the above hokum about finding a stray. SO BE READY for an Astonisher double page photo spread of the mayor gambolling along the beach with Guatam, sitting on top of Castle Hill together at sunset, explaining why there no water coming out as Gautam sniffs a back yard sprinkler, and cuddling together on the lounge watching Monster Truck Racing In Las Vegas.

The Basic Blitz campaign and the saga of Gautum The Dog are clear indications that her minders – whom she usually ignores – have convinced her that her image needs ‘softening’, to counter the clear softening between her ears.

Only the the electoral walking dead would fall for this.  Which means she’ll probably be re-elected.

That’s Gunna Be One Hell Of A Tide When It Comes In

We’re all used to with the imaginative use of euphemisms used by real estate agents around the country (‘harbour glimpses’ is a Sydney favourite – and, ‘a renovator’s dream’, inevitably turns out to be an over-priced ill-kempt dump requiring complete demolition).

But extending desirability has its limits … and in the case of the featured swanky Bushland Beach pile in Bulletin real estate, that limit is well passed an acceptable 200 metres. Apparently, ‘seaside’ now means about 5kms. Otherwise, The ‘Pie really wants to be there when the tide comes in.

seaside 2

A Sighting!!!

Just when we all thought that Townsville’s Lucky Starr, David Moyle, the man who’s been everywhere, had gone the way of the Tasmanian Tiger and retreated deep into the political woods, there’s been a sighting!!!

Sporting a Labor T-shirt, old mate was spotted this week handing out ALP leaflets outside a pre-polling booth. Our favourite party animal … he’s been in just about every political party in search of a ticket aboard the gravy train … has returned to the Labor fold. His last venture with the chardonnay socialists ended in tears, when he suddenly discovered he was well short of the three years required to become a candidate. By all accounts, two years and nine months short.

So we can expect to see of his Messiah-like pics around the place sometime in the future?

David Moyle

Other Bits And Pieces

While The Trough Snufflers get all moist and eloquent on SSM, other debates continue nevertheless. Seems having a name in common doesn’t make for political bedfellows … and in the skirmish between Young(ish) Hanson and Not So Young(ish) Hanson, Big Red wins this one.

Hanson young and Hanson not so young

And a typo for the ages in the rare area of real books … it is known that Beethoven was a man who achieved greatness despite multiple medical challenges, but a Magpie reader was amazed at the maestros never-say-die attitude.


And The Pie was rather taken with this sign for glitzy watches in the window of a Castletown geegaw shop, which would tend to suggest that the watches were somewhat lacking in the essential element – telling the time.

Screen shot 2017-11-18 at 10.43.07 PM………….

That’s yer lot for this week, but should be plenty there to rev up the entertaining commentary section which runs 24/7, jump in for the fun with your say. And look you lot, anyone who doesn’t make a small donation to help keep the blog afloat, well, you’re a bloody pansy, orright.? How to donate button is below, and is recommended to all of any persuasion, especially the foolishly generous.

The Magpie's Nest is now more than five years old, and remains an independent alternative voice for Townsville. The weekly warble is a labour of love and takes a lot of time to put together. So if you like your weekly load of old cobblers, you can help keep it aloft with a donation, or even a regular voluntary subscription. Paypal is at the ready, it's as easy as ... well, easy as pie. Limited advertising space is also available.

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