Trust them or not, polls and surveys of various sorts all run to a set of rules … but it seems Bill The Short ‘Un has decided to do things back to front.
Mongrel the Barrister becomes a guest blogger to set the record straight about ‘blokes and the three wheelers – why can’t the sheilas really see we respect them, bless simple little hearts’.
… and Halloween hangover … some classy and funny stuff from overseas last week.
But first …
During the week, new laws to seize the proceeds of crime were being canvassed, to make it harder for the naughty to enjoys the fruits of their ill-gotten gains. Good idea perhaps, but Bentley sees a bit of a problem form the wallopers trying to bust some well off ‘yoof’.
And The ‘Pie idly wondered if these laws change the criminal entitlements of retired politicians to snurffle into the public purse?
Silly old bird, not if they’re the ones passing the laws.
The Mouse That Roared Visits The ‘Ville
Labor leader Anthony Albanese’s current predecessor, Bill Shorten briefly graced us with his presence during the week.
The Short ‘Un practises for next job as a sideshow alley clown.
The Short ‘Un swanned into town, reminding us of that wonderful old movie, The Mouse That Roared. Our favoruite shortarse regaled us with the need for a stand-alone stadium to make us whole and decent people in the eyes of the rest of the nation, and pledged $100M towards such a project. He squeaked on about the failures of Ewen Jones in this area and said a lot of other windy things, but even a fawning Astonisher couldn’t hide the behind-the-scenes shambles of the announcement.
The paper sternly pointed out that Malcolm Talkbull would make no such commitment, until he’d seen a business case. The tone was clearly that the Astonisher thought the PM should just sign on the dotted line and worry about a business case later. But then they were forced to report that for all his empty bravado, the Short ‘Un said that is exactly what he’d wait for, too, before crossing that particular rubicon. Somethings really screwy and insulting in all this.
Two matters became causes for alarm, one that had the Labor leader back-pedalling faster than a Keystone Kops movie rewinding. He said he expected the Townsville Council would chip in to the tune of up to $50M, (!!!) but when an aghast Cathy O’Toole pointed out that that was a political death wish in this neck of the woods, he mumbled the next day about meaning ‘council buying the land, doing headworks etc’. Memo Bill: the council already owns said land, and $50M is a helluva lot of headworks.
And the other alarm bell went olff when Pinocchio Heywood hastily put the phone down from his boss, Lozza Lancini, to pen these ominous words in a supporting iditorial.
‘It is essential for the state and federal governments to express such confidence in the city by delivering first the stadium, and then the adjoining convention centre, which would in turn signal to private investors that we are a city open for business and full of opportunity.’
Does the phrase ‘delivering FIRST the stadium, and THEN THE ADJOINING CONVENTION CENTRE …’ ring any alarm bells? Seems we’re back to a stand-alone stadium harague, but maybe it doesn’t matter much because it just ain’t gunna happen. Not like that, anyway, and not soon, no one’s got any money for that sort of beads and blankets for the natives approach. That’s why Bill seems to advocating – at all levels, including his voting age fiasco – that Labor change it’s name to the LOTNOT Party … The Look Over There Not Over There Party.
Seems That The Penny Eventually Dropped.
But then a blitz was on, with even a startled ‘Pie answering the MagpieFone to hear a voice say ‘Hello, this is Bill Shorten.’ A flattered old bird started to say what a great honour and other lies but suddenly realized this was a recorded campaign message flogging the piddling $100M promise for the stadium. But then, two nights later, another call, this time from the ReachTEL auto phone survey people, asking a series of slanted questions as to if Bill’s promise would change the way The ‘Pie would vote.
Not really remarkable EXCEPT for one thing, as a perceptive reader has pointed out. Pollies always poll BEFORE they make an announcement, not afterwards. So this clearly was to see if it went down OK, or if his gaffe about the council – the proposed contribution was among the questions – had been the obvious disaster it was.
Anyway, he scuttled off, and it will probably be Albo next time. In the meantime, The Tool sent this out to the faithful, urging them to do a couple of things, a ploy clearly aimed at skewing any real picture of stadium attitudes.
In the meantime, The Tool sent out a flyer to the faithful, which contained these instructions:
1. Send a text to the Editor - I need you to SMS the Editor of the Local paper, showing your support to building jobs and the stadium. Simply Send an SMS to – 0416 905 531
2. Click here to write a letter to the editor, to help with this – here is the link to our facts on today’s announcement
So don’t forget to believe that all those letters to the ed and texts are from people with a genuine desire and not just the Labor Greek Chorus singing as they are directed.
The Death Spiral Continues …
That dull thud you heard during the week followed by uncontrollable sobbing wasn’t the latest round domestic violence to hit the headlines … no, it was the latest round of readership figures for newspapers, landing unceremoniously on the desks of quivering editors and advertising managers. Ironic, ain’t it, that if bad news is every tabloid’s editor’s dream, these figures would rightly be the stuff of screaming front pages, but somehow, The ‘Pie doubts you’ll hear about it from Flinders St West. However, there might be a slight muted ‘hooray’ heard from the Cairns Post bunker.
These figures, from the Roy Morgan survey mob, the survey group trusted most by media buyers over the publishing industry’s own invention (emma), now raises the question of how much longer before rigor mortis sets in throughout the News Corpse.
The surprise – which must be galling to Pinocchio Heywood – is that the Cairns Post not only overtook and outsold The Astonisher Mon to Fri, it actually gained 2000 readers in the year ended September. And lost only 3000 on Saturdays, leading the Townsville Bulletin by a whopping 21,000 on the flagship day – and in a smaller market!
All this tends to make News Corpse naming the Townsville Bulletin winner of its internal award as Best Regional Newspaper of the Year look about as reliable or believable at the usual contents of same. A commenter during the week suggested that soon, they’ll be paying us to read it.
no sooner said than done, well almost, it seems that ain’t far off, really, if this week’s spruiking is anything to go by.
Not All Gold On The Coast Either
Down on The Coast, editor Cath Wobbles Webber must be close to draining the dregs from poisoned chalice handed her by Typo Gleeson, losing around 30% of readership across the board in just 12 months. Typo’s Sunday Mail dropped another 40,000 readers over the period, which must be close to its lowest readership level ever.
With grumpy shareholders almost certain to rip Rupert’s hand off the corporate tiller within a year, uncharted territory lies ahead for all News titles in Australia … and for the Townsville community, whose paper was first betrayed, then hijacked, and has now gone missing in action as simply a malign influence on this community’s ability to obtain straight information and have a civil debate on issues.
Did They Really Think This One Through?
The ‘Pie’s Mixed Message Of The Year Award goes to this, from today’s Astonisher: it is straight from the Wrong Signal Playbook.
Now, it’s obvious that there is a universe of difference between gloved powder-puffing of each other while daintily prancing about in a boxing ring, and being violently assaulted in your own home by your partner (or anyone for that matter). But using any sort of violence to argue against any other sort of violence seems somewhat counter-productive. Stupid, in fact.
It’s a bit like Jenny Craig meetings held at Dunkin’ Donuts, alcoholics meeting at the local pub to discuss their challenges over a snort or three , or paedophiles gathering at the town crèche to examine their shortcomings and the scandalous price of lollies, while bouncing kids on their knees. Just silly.
But Guest Nester Mongrel The Barrister Says We’re Not all Bad Guys
This week, Mongrel was decrying that all ‘us blokes’ are getting tarred with the same brush when it comes to domestic violence. He wanted to use history to point out this is a misconception and asked The ‘Pie to be allowed his point of view. Now, while The ‘Pie is aware that Mongrel would only put women on a pedestal because it would facilitate easier upskirting, he reluctantly agreed.
So Mongrel’s basic message is that male gallantry has been twisted into something ugly and unacceptable. ‘Some sheilas are even trying to turn innocent thoughtfulness into planned lechery,’ he said, citing the recent attacks on Fragonard’s 1767 painting The Swing.
‘But it was really in the first half of last century that men really showed their caring side for the little woman,’ Mongrel the Philosopher insisted, particularly pointing out advertising as reflecting man’s caring nature. ‘Us blokes were going to all sorts of lengths to ensure her comfort and convenience. Like this …’
Nowadays, it would measuring yourself for a coffin.
‘… and tackling the big scientific questions to eliminate the toughest barriers for women …’
Thinks: ‘This really sucks’.
‘And blokes were out their working their brains out to find ways to make life a dream come true for the missus.’
What, with her mouth?
‘And when things did go wrong, men were always willing to find the upside in everything to offer encouragement.’
‘And blokes were more than willing to advise the fairer sex on different ways to please her man …’
Actually looks like she’s had a couple of lucky strikes around the dial already hur
‘… and no rigid rules, some fellas want a bit of meat on the bones, if you get my drift – although this last one would be best advised to lay off those yeast tablets after getting’ hitched – hur hur hur.’
‘Sometime I dunno what their whingin’ about.’
NB Mongrel has never been married.
But all this took The ‘Pie back even further, when both boys and girls were encouraged to forget their troubles.
Sadly a discontinued line, which is a shame, it may have also helped ease the discomfort of a pain in the arse.
All Hell on All Hallows
Halloween has come (damn) and gone (hooray) for another year, with heaps of little snots seeking out their sugar hits while indulgent parents hover in the background, wanting to get back home to Chivas and Bundy. You’ll note that last week we featured a bespectacled chap in various risqué costumes. The ‘Pie was disconcerted to be accused of photo-shopping (ha, like the old bird would known how) the head of Astonisher Iditor Lachy Heywood onto the images. The Magpie is mortified that some would think that he would swoop so low (although somewhat chuffed that they thought he techno whiz enough to do photo-shopping). So to set the record straight, and avoid any further unnecessary embarrassment to Mr Heywood, The ‘Pie exclusively reveals that they were all still shots taken from this YouTube video. You will quickly see that no self-respecting News Corpse iditor – yes, yes, oxymoronic, I know – would debase himself in the manner depicted. And no, it’s not Pinocchio Heywood – at least, we don’t think so.
But The ‘Pie was somewhat impressed with some inventiveness approaches to the normally turgid proceedings. They really go to town, particularly overseas, some efforts verging on real art ….
… others making a bid for commercial support …
Show us them buns!
Economical outfits still made the spooky point …
The ‘Pie has flown with this pilot.
But The ‘Pie’s fave is this bloke, who just stood right there for the entire evening.
C’mon over, I’ll give you bloody trick or treat.
He’s possibly the resident of the house with the porch light on … bet he didn’t have trick or treat all night.
Of course, age and demented parents are no bar to some efforts.
A baby porcupine
And while The ‘Pie genuinely abhors practical jokes – especially the Townsville Bulletin – the Polish owner of this pooch …
… sure has a future in cardiac surgery, decking Rover out to look like … well see for yourself.
Miscellaneous
Larry Pickering has been at his best recently, here’s a catch up in a couple of the master penman’s take on things. First, the man running Queensland at the moment, Billy Gordon and his penchant for letting it all hang out …
… and then some media double standards.
Overseas, the Chinese President has come and gone from Britain, leaving behind dissatisfaction that PM David Cameron has sold out steel workers and ship builders by talking up deals with China in those industries. The Guardian’s Steve Bell neatly summed up the Pommy worker’s’ view.
Next week, we follow up the 37 steps to become gentleman with the female version. See you then.
If you’ve enjoyed your blog this week, spare a thought for The ‘Pie in his open nest, with a determined financial python heading his way. It takes a certain amount of financial commitment to do the blog, so hope you can help out with a donation to enable The ‘Pie to tell it that snake to hiss off. See below.
