Paying for patriotism – is the Townsville City Council shirking its responsibility to honour our war dead? And the latest Townsville Bulletin circulation figures have us humming the old musical warning ‘Something’s Gotta Give’.

Also this week, The Magpie awards his occasional gong, the Janus Two-Faced BUMM Award to a local business genius who has had his tits well and truly caught in the wringer, condemned by his own weasel words.

But first ….

The earth shattering story of the week which spawned a million bad puns was undoubtedly Australia coming under the threat of a terrier attack, on orders from Osama bin Labrador. (See what I mean.)

Film person Johnny Depp smuggled in his two dawgs in to the country on his private jet, but authorities discovered what he’d done and ordered that the dogs begone hence and forthwith. Actually, that translated into Barnaby-babble as ‘bugger off’. And all under the pain of death, so now they are gone.

Which means for the second week in a row, Bentley is besotted with dogdom – well, puppydom –  just like the rest of the world.

On the one of the left is Pistol, the other one Boo … no, you cretins, the one’s Johnny is holding. Geez, youse guys ….

Now, that rarity in this blog … an (gasp!) apology.

The Magpie owes airport boss and chairman of the Dudley Do Nothings, Kevin Gill, an sincere apology.

Kevin Gill – ethical conflict of interest?

Over time, The ‘Pie has hinted that he thinks you’re a bit of a dill, a not too smart businessman and a gopher for various other entities, both here in the ‘Ville and in places south.

The ‘Pie openly admits no longer thinks any such thing … he now KNOWS it.

And here’s why you get your very own Janus Two-Faced BUMM (Barefaced UnMitigated Mendacity) trophy, Kevvy.

The Janus Two Faced BUMM Chalice

You were the bloke, as chairman of Townsville Enterprise who screamed bloody blue murder when the Feds initially refused to station quarantine and immigration officers at the airport to facilitate Bali flights in and out of Townsville. Temps would be flown in, costing an extra $40 on the average ticket. You made a lot of huffing and puffing about growing the local economy, deterring visitors, and damaging Townsville by making it soooo expensive to use the airport.

In the end, you were peacocking around when the Feds finally agreed to subsidise any cost, over and above that of other airports.

So far, so good, let the taxpayers make up the difference.

Then this week, it is the same you, the very same Kevin Gill who, via an unquestioning piece of PR masquerading as a front page news story in your marketing sheet known as the Townsville Bulletin that you intended to do a $40 million upgrade to the airport.

What they say the upgraded airport will look like – where’s the difference?

Well, that’s nice to know your southern bosses, Queensland Airports, has so much faith in Townsville, that they’ll invest that sort of money here.

Great boost, thanks a lo … uh, what? Wait a sec? They’re NOT willing to pay for the upgrade? Work which would include new rent-paying shops (talk about taking business out of the city), should be paid for the passengers transiting in or out of the airport who should foot the bill, to the tune of an average of about $13 a ticket. Either in or out. You get the feeling we’re being held captive by corporate cretins.

Adding to your chuckleheaded and basically dishonest argument is your bad timing, Kevvykins … read this from today’s SMH and then have a bet if the airlines will approve your plan. nYou’re a marketing genius, mate, we are so lucky to have you head of the board down at Wishing Well House. Your cunning Baldrick-like plan to grow our economy and tourism is to make it dearer to both come here and to leave. And for what? The tripe that your sock-puppet iditorm Pinocchio Heywood was peddling about the airport urgently needing the upgrade, looking tatty and run-down, is pure codswallop. And so is the iditor’s assertion that locals won’t mind, they’ll be getting new shops and cafes etc, all of which are only needed at a true transit airport. ‘Not minding’ ain’t what is being bellowed down the MagpieFone.

Frankly, there is nothing wrong with the airport they way it is, if the choice is people forking out to make your southern masters more asset rich. Talking it down for such venal purposes is a double disgrace from someone in your position when you intend to slug already put upon local businesses and citizens generally.

Seriously, you’re a waste of space on the TEL board (we all know who runs it anyway) and you can’t serve two masters, money grubbing southern corporates and the body supposed to champion good causes for Townsville’s future.

C’mon, do the decent thing and do a Barbaby … i.e bugger off.

Moving on – without a surcharge.

The Labor pre-selection for a candidate to take on Dumbo Jumbo Jones in Herbert next year (next month, week? who knows?) is turning into an actual contest, according to all sorts of breathless muttering down the MagpieFone.

Cathy O’Toole

Mike Reynolds sister-in-law Cathy O’Toole has been desperately doing the tea and scones circuit, but The ‘Pie is told even the presence of a Labor senator (Chris Ketter) at a meet and greet at the West End Hotel last week attracted fewer than a dozen of the faithful (not counting loyal family connections) and there was a similar miniscule turn-out for a party bun fight function at the Thuringowa library.

It seems the frantic campaigning just for pre-selection is because Patricia ‘Little Patty’ Schulter is making inroads on seeking the nod to take on the Jones boy.

Patricia ‘Little Patty’ Schluter

But apart from a lead letter in the paper (blah blah blahdy blah zzzz) Ms Schulter doesn’t appear to be glad-handing anyone just now, although you can bet both candidates are out there smiling each other in the back. Seems Little Patty is taken seriously because The ‘Pie is told she has divided the traditional lines of support in such a contest because of her successful campaign management of the three state candidates in the last Queensland election. She also has the experience to know her way around the Canberra corridors.   Expect a war of words about who is supporting who (read: expect a lie-fest) this time around.

But the clanking ALP machine might get caught with its pants down, a mooted snap election might see them playing catch-up. Candidate interviews are next week, and the panel will announce who will be in the run-off (Mark Enders might even be there to make up the numbers, but don’t count on it). The candidates will be named on May 27 or so, and then the faithful will have from June 8 to June 19 to lodge their ballots. But therein lies the rub for Little Patty; she will have to have spectacular backing because the left-stacked ‘electoral college’ votes carry extra ‘weight’. And Cathy is deeply embedded in the socialist left faction.

And Tony Abbott could give them all a dose of salts if he decides to go to the polls any time soon.

Go for it, gals. Wot fun.

Speaking of fun …

We’ve all heard the old conundrum ‘If a tree falls in the forest and there is no one there to hear it, is there any sound?’ Here in the ‘Ville, the more interesting variation is ‘if the iditor of the Townsville Bulletin writes an iditorial rant, is anyone reading or heeding?’

The latest audited circulation figures clearly show that fewer and fewer people are taking instruction from our self-appointed ‘community leader’ and ‘opinion maker’ Lachlan Pinocchio Heywood, driven away by his head-patting juvenile patronization. Indeed, while his nose gets longer with every passing reference to claimed readership, Pinocchio will shortly have to grow longer arms to make it easier for his regular patting of himself on the back. (Sigh – it’s all so deeply embarrassing.)

But oh, dem numbers. Look at these numbers and see if you can spot where the real alarm for the paper lies.

Spot it? It’s those damned digital subscribers, who pay for a full on-line edition of the paper; they’ve headed for the hills big time, refusing to renew. In just three months, to March, no less than 1,777 digital subscribers have given the paper … well, the digit. The drop is nothing short of dramatic, whereas the conventional wisdom (as is the case with the big players down south) that the fall print sales will eventually be offset by the take-up of digital subscriptions. Not in this neck of the woods, champ.

Uh oh, there’s another problem, too.

The print circulation M-F is given as 19,338, but if you subtract all those questionable add-ons (especially schools), the real circulation is 18059 copies sold daily. That’s far from flash in a distribution area of around 250,000 and growing annually by 5000. A community is in big trouble when a vast majority of people neither believe or buy its sole daily paper. But still, Lachlan Heywood’s Sydney overlords continually overrule his reported moves to break away from the Sydney Telegraph and Courier Mail template of adjectival hysteria, immature photo-shopping and self-interested opinion masquerading as news. And telling a whole load of hot rooster about readership (98,000 per weekday? Purleeese.)

poor old Pinocchio, you’ve got to feel for him.

A little bit, anyway.

Perhaps Holt St should remember the definition of insanity is doing the same thing three times and expecting a different outcome each time.

Townsville deserves better … much better.

Moving on.

The Townsville City Council could lift its game, too, in one particular area.

You will have learned by now of a dedicated group of citizens are determined to recover two WW1 artillery pieces, buried in the then Reid Park dump in the clean-up after the Christmas Eve Cyclone Althea in 1971.

A group of military history buffs including Jason Sim, geophysicist Llew Wynn, Steve Fountaine and Elaine Fountaine (she of the justly famous military memrobilia barbers shop in Flinders Street) have now located the most likely resting place of the buried cannons, about three metres below a section of the park behind the Civic Theatre.

The group has attracted the support and assistance of many others, including Brigadier Roger Noble, Commader of 3^rd Brigade.

The council has given permission subject to several onerous and possibly expensive conditions, which will presumably have to be met by the group.

The ‘Pie says ‘what a bloody cheek!

Some dogged and admirable research by Elaine – now known as ‘Mouse’ for her clever electronic scurrying about and probably a homage to the late ‘White Mouse’ Nancy Wake – has turned up a background and timeline that, to The Magpie’s mind shows conclusively that the council should be paying for this start to finish because it was a thoughtless and unexplained blunder by the council in the first place that led to the cannons being ignominiously dumped as they were.

First, the premise on which The Magpie makes that claim. Legal advice is that a local government council is a continuing and uninterrupted entity. The current formation of any council takes the responsibility for what went before under the direction of earlier councillors and/or bureaucrats. It is the present group who has to rectify any previous errors or actions.

But that isn’t the view of the current council, or at least certainly not Clr Trevor Roberts. He told the Bulletin last October that ‘ … the council approved the dig on the condition that was no cost to ratepayers. “They need to demonstrate they have the financial resources to pull this off and restore the site after the dig,” he said. “There are still a number of approvals they will need to get from the state enviromental department,because the site was an old landfill so there is a real risk of uncovering asbestos or other hazardous material.”

Let’s leave aside for the moment who allowed the asbestos to be buried there in the first place, adding to the cost of this project (hint: maybe the council, eh? Didn’t know about the dangers then? Well, you still had to fix up Bicentennial Park, didn’t you?)

Now it’s understandable that Clr Roberts is mindful of ratepayers welfare, but some things just can’t be fobbed off for populist politics. Because, as you will see, the guns should not have been dumped in the first place, on heritage grounds alone. Here is a some of the research Elaine has turned up. The clipping is from the Townsville Bulletin in the early 1920s.

The artillery pieces were in storage when they were taken out and buried with debris from Althea, and there isn’t any explanation why. Even if in they had been left in the open, they would hardly pose a threat in a cyclone. If nothing else, the council recovering and restoring the pieces would correct an ungracious and official oafish nact which did an unforgiveable misservice to the fallen of WW1. And to mend a broken promise of trust.

One letter writer to the paper summed it up when the story first surfaced.

In short, dear council, YOU buried them, YOU dig them up, and don’t charge caring private and patriotic citizens for your forebears blunders, they are not theirs to right.

Now to lighten up a bit, our old mate Sandgroper has sent us a video of his courting days, when he was a bit of a dummy, too.

Finally, here’s a special little something for Magpie mate Peter Pluperfect, who has long sinned in his heart by lusting after the lovely Liz Lemon of 30Rock fame aka scrumpot Tina Fey.

Tina Fey as Liz Lemon in 30 Rock.

TV’s late nighter Dave Letterman is calling it quits, and Tina decided to give him a send-off he won’t forget. Neither will you, Pete, bet you even put it on a permanent loop.