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The Magpie

Saturday, July 4th, 2015   |   113 comments

How the socialist left unions’ plans to take over Townsville Council have been thwarted – for the time being. Not jokin’, folks.

Fourth of July! Happy Independence Day – or as married folk know it, Nostalgia Day.

Also in this week’s nest of goodies, Kid Crisafulli about to leave Townsville with a lot of memories …. and a barrowload of money … we take a stroll around His Kidness’s palatial Riverside Gardens pad that is now on the market.

Are newsagents an endangered species? Townsville agents are hopping mad with News Corpse latest body blow to their viability. Overall, what a week for the Astonisher, as they continue to flounder around desperately humming ‘Who’ll stop the drain ….’ and it wouldn’t be a week at the Astonisher without some naughty and nonsensical numbers being bandied about, which again raises the question: just how dumb they think we are?

Also, the best explanation of the Greek debt crisis ever – hilarious is if it wasn’t every word true.

First, Bentley’s comment on the our changing world.

gay marriage smile

Nice to see ‘mummy’ wearing an appropriately modest swimming costume.

This issue is yet to be played out here in Australia, with no one game to let the people decide through referendum. Bumpy times ahead, it would seem.

GORN!!! Has Gouger Gore skipped the country for good?

Craig Gore

Craig Gore

Has arch-shyster Craig Gore done a Chrisopher Skase, and joined the Keep Australia Beautiful push by skipping the country for good? That’s the fevered speculation on the Gold Coast, where the arch-scammer, serial bankrupt and warned-off financial thief lived in a style that mystified and infuriated his many creditors who are missing millions to this grub. The rumours have started because The ‘Pie is told – but cannot confirm – that ASIC has written to one aggrieved punter, suggesting that now Gore has been right royally pinged by a Federal Court for his illegal financial dealings, long awaited criminal charges could be forthcoming, possibly as soon as this week.

Only problem is that Gore and his equally charmless missus, the tax dodger Marina, are overseas ‘visiting’ her home country of Sweden.

Given the feds findings against him, Gore is almost certainly headed for a striped suntan if and when he faces criminal charges, so it would seem unlikely that he would willingly return to face the music. The man who tried to shaft Townsville and has a grubby finger in the Hinchinbrook Resort ‘revitalisation’ has always been long talk and short on ticker. But he makes up for that with rat cunning. The ‘Pie has a watching brief on this one.

From a grub to a good ‘un.


David Crisafulli

David Crisafulli

Kid Crisafulli, wife Tegan and the billy lids head off to a new life in Brisbane soon, and they should go with the best wishes of any fair-minded Townsvillean. Big and better things no doubt await one of our best and brightest. Not that life was too shabby in this (literal) bend in the river.

Kids house

This is what His Kidness and Kidess are leaving behind, and good luck getting anything anywhere near resembling it in Brisvegas.

This sprawling pile, boasting inter alia six bedrooms, three bathrooms, three living areas, two dining areas and a two-car garage, is on the market by tender, with expressions of interest closing this Tuesday. That process will keep the outcome fairly private, but with one of Townsville’s real estate superstars, Julie Mahoney looking after matters, you’d think the price will be right. In this somewhat depressed market, passing the million might be a bit hard, $900,000 and bit seems to be the neighbourhood.

Take a stroll through here.

A Magpie investigation.

How the left-wing union United Voice planned takeover the Townsville City Council – and why their initial suddenly unravelled.

Here’s what The ‘Pie has managed to piece together, courtesy of the fractured factional in-fighting that has mightily pissed off a goodly chunk of the local faithful. (As The ‘Pie has said before, that for him it’s a godsend that there are more local Labor leaks than there are at half time in a Cowboys home match.)

Paul Jacob

Paul Jacob

Back in March this year, there was an interesting meeting of Labor’s Townsville branch, of note for several matters.

First, serial media tart, apparent economic illiterate and ultra leftie Paul ‘Jabberwocky’ Jacob nominated for selection to the party’s Local Government Assessment Committee, which vets all wannabe Labor council candidates.

A selfless gesture from a party stalwart? Well, not quite, because the meeting then discussed the proposition that there were ‘positives’ in running an endorsed Labor team at next year’s TCC election. Everyone put down their Iced VoVos and cuppas to give an enthusiastic clap to the idea, agreeing in the meeting minutes that ’we should feel proud to be Labor and running an endorsed ALP team should be a good thing’. The minutes then go on to light an explosive political fuse with: ‘Discussions have been had with the current Mayor Jenny Hill who has advised that she is not interested in running a Labor team and it seems (she) will pick who she wants to.


No wonder Jabberwocky wanted to have a say – he sorely wants to go up against Sue Blom on the Northern beaches but he well knows that if Jenny put him on her team, she would face a revolt from some pivotal backers who don’t want a bar of him. The mayor also knows that to lead a Labor team picked for arcane factional power-broking criteria (bugger the voters) and undoubtedly heavily weighted towards the left and the insidious United Voice Union would be a recipe for almost certain electoral defeat. Even if she herself got up as mayor again, she would be in exactly the same minority position she now enjoys – and that would be as much use to her as a size 10 dress.

But the fuse was now sputtering rapidly towards polling day when the meeting unanimously carried the motion ‘to endorse a Labor team at the next council election and that the MEC develop a committee to articulate Labor priorities for the forthcoming Local Government election in Townsville’.

Translating the dog whistling, that means that Mayor Mullet would have to change her tune and back down, or face being turfed out of the party (it’s automatic if you stand against an endorsed Labor candidate.

Cathy O'Toole

Cathy O’Toole

That motion was seconded by Cathy O’Toole. It was at this meeting that Ms O’Toole first raised her desire to seek endorsement as the ALP candidate for the federal seat of Herbert.

So the wedge was on for Mayor Mullet, and The Tool progressed through the process of nominating for pre-selection, which was seen as a cosy done deal.

Then things unraveled in rather spectacular fashion when an unexpected spanner was tossed into the left-wing works.

Patricia 'Little Patty' Schluter

Patricia ‘Little Patty’ Schluter

That spanner took the form of one Patricia Schluter, who had run the successful state campaigns for three winners from Townsville. Rather ‘because of’ than ‘in spite of’ being told that this was Cathy’s gig and to keep her hand down, she nominated.

It quickly became apparent that Little Patty was getting some traction, not just as a reportedly slick talker but resonating as a viable alternative to the dictates of the likes of the Snoozasaurus dinosaur Mike Reynolds. ( Incidentally, The Magpie is told Mike is a bloke so upstanding for democratic discourse, transparency and open participation that he won’t attend his own Hermit Park branch meetings because his nemesis Ted Lindsay is a member there.)

The Schluter challenge suddenly spooked a complacent left-wing into action, with the heavies being called in from Brisbane and Snooze penning frantic letters of support for sister-in-law O’Toole. But they still apparently felt things were on the slide for them, and that’s when the ace up the sleeve had to be revealed to trump this development.

Given the factional divide and quite a bit of less than harmonious history there between The Tool and Mayor Mullet, it was suggested – indeed expected – that Jenny Hill would deliver her Railway Estate fiefdom’s – sorry, branch’s – backing to Schluter. Since The ‘Pie is told by a Labor deep throat that the numbers indicate that Jenny in the end back-flipped and went with O’Toole, there was obviously a deal done. And that was almost certainly be that in exchange for her support, the mayor got a guarantee that she can choose her own team for next year’s election, and not be muscled into having a bunch of leftwing union-approved candidates thrust upon her.

The ‘Pie hears that as a sop, she has already decided to give one leftie – Kurt(?) Rehbein – a gallop. No drama there, he lives in Heatey so will presumably run against and lose to the deservedly popular Gary Eddiehausen.

Now, undertakings like this with the Left of the Labor Party can be trusted about as much as the waistband elastic in Clive Palmer’s jockettes, so watch carefully as Mayor Mullet reveals her ‘non-aligned’ team.

News Corpse cares about small business so much they’re trying to make big ones small ones.

This innocuous notice appeared in the Astonisher during the week.


Looks a bit ho-hum, but it was the only public indication of a nasty shock for newsagents.

The short version is that News is now going to take over ALL home paper deliveries, taking away newsagents nice little earner of delivering the Courier and the Oz around the place. But adding a distinct financial insult to this injury was a memo sent out to all agents telling them that funding this little exercise will be a change in commission. It is at the moment 25% of sales, but that will drop to 10% when the new arrangement kicks in. Just as a for instance, say you were selling 500 of all papers a day, with commission averaging out at about 40 cents per paper. That’s $200 bucks a day, and over the seven-day week of a news agency, a whopping $1400. Or $72,800 each year. One agent told The ‘Pie he might as well close up shop.

Just keep all that in mind next time the Astonisher huffs with faux indignation about unemployment and the rough deal the north gets from the south (which is where this decision was made). Truly, they are bastards who are anything but ‘for the North’.

And they are liars.

During the weeks, we were greeted with this.


That simply meant we were now getting two papers in one on Tuesdays, the Sun is now a weekly insert. Is this a good thing? Why, of course, you old silly, let’s explain it to you.


The only thing is that this is flapdoodle of the first order – it really is utter rot – and begs that question, just how studpid do you think we are? 90,000? That figure is reached by subtracting the suggesting 20,000 the Bulletin sells on a Tuesday, with the claimed 70,000 Suns that had been supposedly going over fences and onto driveways under the old delivery system.

Couple of things deeply wrong with these calculations.

First, 70,000 free deliveries … not bad in a city that has just over 69,000 rateable properties, including commercial premises. Besides, just about everybody The ‘Pie canvassed across half a dozen suburbs on this hadn’t seen a Sun in years. And although the Sun will still be free at newsagents (they must love having their commission chopped AND giving away a FREE paper), that is to suppose that those mythical 70,000 folks are going to be stampeding down to the newsagents for their copy.

But wait, you say, that is how many people READ the Sun, you old goof. Well, this old goof isn’t even going to dignify that suggestion with a reply, except to say that it is arrant bullshit.

Robbing agents of their livelihood and gypping advertisers with silly claims is bad enough, but insulting them and the readers is just plain dumb and arrogant. And very transparent, you mob of twicers.

Very soon, we may well have three poapers in one, when the Townsville Bulletyin becomes an insert in the Courier Mail. Three days a week.

Don’t laugh.

The revenge of the names.

Is this bloke the government’s latest weapon in the war of attrition in the media?

Roman Quaedvlieg

Roman Quaedvlieg

This comment from some turkey in Crikey.com this week.

Malcolm Weatherup writes:  Is this the latest chapter in some kind of weird political get square to keep sub-editors — what’s left of them — on their toes. In recent times, they’ve been confronted with Palaszczuk, then came Leyonhjelm, and now, possibly realising the angst this can cause in deadline driven news outlets, the government has decided that the commissioner for the new Border Force is to be Roman Quaedvlieg (I think — the concentration required generates its own jumpy dyslexia). All of a sudden, mastering Plibersek, the “y” or “i” question of Christopher Pyne and where the doubles go in Abbott all seems a doddle now. All journos will now fervently hope that the likes of Senators Catryna Bilyk, Concetta Fierravanti-Wells and Zed Seselja do not exhibit talents worthy of promotion to frequently quotable positions.


Other words:

As both you readers know, the old bird has always been interested in the origin of words and saying. It is understandable that the old bird is interested in how various avian cousins were named, so he was delighted to get the following float into the nest during the week.

shag 001

Flagging a piss-take

One word that could have been, but mercifully wasn’t , to the fore during the last week or so was vexillogy, the $20 word for the study of flags.

First we had the rainbow colours of the gay groups (or whatever other jaw-breaking acronym they’re going under this week) spread across the US to celebrate the legalization of gay marriage.

This led to the south’s  ‘rebel’ flag coming under attack, since most of the states that fly it as part of their coat of arms are regarded as anti-gay.

But the best flag story came from the UK, involving those laugh-a-minute funsters IS and the parade celebrating the US court victory for same sex marriage.

Isis dildo flag

Someone saw this banner, and reported to the cops that there was an ISIS flag carrier in the march. The plods duly investigated and much to their amusement, this is what they found.

Isis dildo flag2

In one of the best pisstakes that snippy gays excel in, it was flag made to imitate the murderous emblem of the IS psychopaths, but the symbols weren’t Arabic letters, they were all outlines of various sex toys. A double gotcha, eh.

Who said bureaucrats don’t care:

Filling out official forms can be the bane of one’s life, even those one’s that just require endless box ticking. But The ‘Pie has come across proof that someone up there has taken pity on those attending the Queensland Oral Health Clinic (read: dentist). Recognising that toothache can disorientate and impair judgment, help is at hand with this form.

Full doc.

About halfway down, just in case delusions have set in, guidance is given.

Doc 2.

None of this trendy, touchy-feely stuff for Qld Health as in the inclusive announcement of some blokes that ‘WE are pregnant’. Yeah, right, hope you get morning sickness too.

Dashed if I know

This is also a nice pisstake, this one for our motoring enthusiasts out there.

Car dash

See how many you can actually identify, before checking the this list, supplied by one Alex McPheron, who cheerfully admits he needs to get a life.

Wiper fluid low, battery low, air circulator, rear window defrost, door(s) ajar, glow plugs warming up, airbag, ventilation fan, panel vents and floor vents open, seatbelt no on, low fuel, air conditioning, low oil, check engine, low beams, front fog, high beams, hazard, rear washer fluid low, 4 ways, brake system parking brake, engine coolant temperature, antilock brake system malfunction, electronic stability program malfunction.

It’s all greek to us

John Clarke and Brian Dawe

John Clarke and Brian Dawe

Finally, the irrepressible Clarke and Dawe are at it again with their truly uncomfortable brand of humour – uncomfortable because they make the honest truth somehow sound funny. Which it often isn’t. One of their best examples was this week, explaining the Greek economic crisis.

Enjoy and see in the comments during the week.

The Magpie's Nest is now more than five years old, and remains an independent alternative voice for Townsville. The weekly warble is a labour of love and takes a lot of time to put together. So if you like your weekly load of old cobblers, you can help keep it aloft with a donation, or even a regular voluntary subscription. Paypal is at the ready, it's as easy as ... well, easy as pie. Limited advertising space is also available.

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