Forget Paradise – In The ‘Ville, We Live In Utopia … Apparently.

The ABC TV show, that is … this week’s uncanny coincidence of life imitating art came with the Astonisher’s latest bark at the clouds about a new report that claims the proposed CBD stadium is a viable economic goer. In a transparent self-condemnation, The Bulletin indulges in News Corpse favourite charade – ‘if we don’t get the answer we want from YOU, then we’ll get it from HIM’.

Wheel of misfortune? Dark deeds in carnival land.

They think we don’t notice …  our state Labor loafers indulge in some classic pot calling kettle knavery …

… and an excellent idea whose time has come … a world-class wave park ticks all the boxes for the Ville, and although it’s not an either/or choice, would be a steadier boon to business than a stadium/entertainment complex … but will the council, the Astonisher and the right player – catch a fabulous break?

And the soccer team that gives new meaning to the term ‘strip’ for uniform …

You can take the boy out of the Terror-graph, but you can’t take the Terror-graph out of the boy

Literary quotes came to mind frequently during the week, and when we saw what Astonisher iditor Ben Bogan English did on Tuesday, again we irresistibly drawn to the great Stephen Leacock’s famous line

Lord Ronald said nothing; he flung himself from the room, flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions.’

Talk about lost plots, mixed messages and all directions. The paper that is All For The North and Townsville’s champion for a Fair Go had people torn between wonderment and rage when iditor Bogan, former deputy editor on the Sydney Telegraph, came up with this Tele-esque fronter on Tuesday.

Says it all really … Bogan hasn’t a clue about this town. Bentley certainly thinks he hasn’t.

These crime stats are a major story that needed to be reported (and nothing wrong with Chris McMahon’s story); it is the thoughtless and totally inappropriate sensationalism that we didn’t need on the front page a of a paper that fancies itself as our community face to the world. And just how it fits in with the bleating cant about ‘a fair go’ and ‘we live in a paradise’ that  we are so regularly force fed by this stumblebum publication is hard to fathom.

Oh, well, we could become a destination for crims to take a break in the sun and contribute to the economy just so long as they follow the paper’s latest ‘buy locally’ blather.

At this rate, The Astonisher is not far from moving into new offices, of which The ‘Pie has obtained an exclusive pic.

Change The Names To Suit Yourself

Here is a conversation that actually took place … maybe in more than one place. You can change the names as suitable … perhaps

Scene: The CEOs Office Of Utopia.

PR Spinner: This report – would you say it’s a deeply flawed document?

Boss: No.

PR S: Just flawed?

Boss: Have you read it?

PR S: Don’t have to, don’t want to.

Boss: Pretty damning.

PR S: Which side are you on? 

Boss: It’s not about sides …

PR S: Here we are, trying to tell people we’re open for business, and some Leftie greeny think tank comes along with this …

Boss: The Royal Australasian College of Engineers?

PR S: Phit! … I’ve got some points. Turns out this report failed to take in the wide economic benefits.

Boss: In what way?

PR S: It overlooked numerous intangibles, extra functionalities and efficiencies. No effort has been made for uplift.

Boss: Do know what that means?

PR S: I know it’s going to make a major difference. I think we should review this deeply flawed document.

Now The ‘Pie did say said this conversation actually took place, and so it did in the latest episode of the ABC comedy (tragedy?) Utopia. Check it out yourself, relevant bit starts at 9m10s, but the whole show is worth watching.

But for our purposes, something like this exchange probably took place in the commissioning of the latest stadium feasibility report, provided by statistician Carey Ramm’s perennial go-to outfit for the right answers, AEC group (possibly at the suggestion of spinmeister Dolan Hayes).

The Astonisher grandly lies to us – front page where else? – that this report finally gives the Prime Minister proof of the viability of the project. Of course, it does no such thing. The globally respected independent firm of KPMG did the initial report that emphatically said the whole shebang just wasn’t financially viable. Remember when News Corpse didn’t like the Roy Morgan Survey readership figures, they created their own survey outfit emma, that is much kinder. So KPMG – phit! – what would they know, let’s get Carey on the job, his local knowledge will sort out that nonsense. And so the paper idiotically parrots that its pet project is a monetary dream. This study was commissioned by Townsville Enterprise, need any more be said.

That is not to say that AEC’s conclusions are incorrect, but like everything in economic studies, they depend heavily on selective wishful thinking about future conditions. Surely those outcomes couldn’t be couldn’t have been influenced by hinted desires of a required outcome by TEL and/or The Bulletin?

Accuracy is a non-available commodity in this world of statistic and projections. Not that that bothers this paper in this instance … or any other.

You Never Thought You’d Hear It, But The ‘Pie Agrees With Messagenbank … Almost.

You can bet Les Messagebank Walker, our latest deputy doo-dah, never expected to hear it either.

But no kidding, Les’s latest pet project – a world class wave pool to allow people to surf in Townsville – is now technically a viable project with every possible advantage. It just needs a willingness to think creatively.

Indeed, The ‘Pie came up with the idea more than 10 years ago, (with one important difference as you will see) and Kid Crisafulli, then a councilor, was enthusiastic. It went by the wayside because of the clunky technology of that time.

But that is all different now, and ‘wave parks’ are springing up all over the place, creating waves from competition standard to lesser ones for the less experienced or even learners. But here’s where that hackneyed phrase ‘thinking outside the box’ takes on new meaning if Townsville is to get the jump on possible rivals in NQ. The idea, as recently proposed, of building the facility on land surrounded by industry and port warehouses is short sighted and limiting, in both practicality and appeal.

Especially when the ideal, world-class site is right there in front of us.

Here’s what we should be pushing for … that a wave park be created in the ‘duck pond’ in front of the old Jupiters (don’t think anybody bothers calling it the Ville yet).

Upsides And Downsides

The upsides are many, the downsides just a couple but biggies.

First and foremost, a wave pool would be a private business with private money, with no sticking out an over-entitled hand for government involvement beyond their approving the project. Very little politics should be involved.

The water would be readily and plentifully available sea water, and all the infrastructure would be bolstered to the required strengths. The technology is now available to create competition size waves running for up to 300 metres. This would be another jewel in the Strand crown, (and could incorporate a sorely needed buffer of palm trees along the relevant harbour wall to soften the proximity of the port).

But Wait There’s More

The Townsville City Council would be reasonably expected to provide some head works, and here is the creative thinking opportunity. In order to attract the right builder/operator, the council could do a deal on head works, covering the costs by selling its two thirds of the crumbling Entertainment Centre site to the operator to house machinery and other public facilities like cafes and restaurants.

The Ville’s owner Chris Morris, who has espoused other visionary ideas, could come on board contributing his third of the EC complex. He would benefit mightily from this sort of project, not so much as having weary surfers messing up his casino, but accommodation and general exposure would an on going boon.

Downsides? The first and hopefully the easiest is the duck pond lease. Premier Bligh has already created the precedent during the wrangle over who would fund the Cruise Terminal white elephant. The pond was declared a special development area … meaning few if any possible objections at state level (Greens, council et al). That declaration was to assist now disgraced and exiled grub Craig Gore and his abortive canal development. But the ‘special development area’ designation, if not still in place, could easily be reinstated.

The biggest bureaucratic road bump would be GBRMPA … on past form, the Marine Park Authority would require millions and probably years to make a study, just in case the Lesser Tiddling Snotty Nosed Spangled Seahorse (3 left in the wild) would be endangered. But times have changed, and maybe attitudes towards jobs and regional community wellbeing allow a little greater consideration for humans.

So what are the compelling arguments for pulling out all stops on this non-government project?

It would be a massive boost to our economy 365 days of the year, attracting literally hundreds of those who now bypass us every week, and that would be at a guess at least 10 fold the value of a 13-times-a-year footy stadium, and even with an entertainment/convention centre attached.

This is an idea the time for which has comne has come, and it deserves at least as much effort afforded the ISEC from the Dudley Do Nothings and the Astonisher, with the council also being willing to make attractive concessions (a rates holiday, maybe?) to get the project here.

Just sayin’, ya know.

It’s Award Time!

The ‘Pie has be compelled to dust off the Janus Two-Faced BUM Award this week, BUM you’ll remember for Barefaced UnMitigated Mendacity.

In an astounding dereliction of his elected duty, Labor hard Leftie, Townsville state MP Scott Stewart has slammed the Prime Minister for having the gall to earmark $150million for the sorely need Townsville Eastern Access Rail Corridor  (TEARC).

Why? Because this champion of the people (ha!) wants a stadium, – taking the liberty of stating this is the priority of the community, which means he is sorely out of touch or shit scared of crossing the Bulletin –  and bugger the commerce and construction jobs the new rail link will create.

But he gets the Two Faced award for his very selective reasoning, and pot/kettle thigh slapper that the PM was ‘just playing politics’. In answer to the Astonisher’s leading questions, Stewart told the paper it did not make sense that the Federal Government would not commit to funding the stadium without a business case, while they had no hesitation in doing so for the TEARC.

Goodness, Stewie, surely you don’t mean that the PM has done exactly what your boss, Premier Alphabet, did when wedged into a corner by Campbell Newman during the state election campaign. She committed $100million to the stadium without a useable business case having been put forward. And she blithely did so because she did not think she believed a Labor victory in the election had the same chance as a fart in a fan factory.

And the Dud of the Century Coralee ‘O’Rort’ O’Rourke parroted the same line, suggesting the PM had put the cart before the horse.

Campbell Newman, you arsehat, you forced people to vote for this shower, here’s another reason to hang your head in shame.

The Week’s Sloppy Effort In The Absence Of Sub-Editors

Apart from reporting the Powerball results yesterday WITHOUT the Powerball number – which would’ve been nice – it seems one intrepid reporter is getting snowed under in the local political snowstorm. This story on the right last Saturday …

… told us this.

To which the Astonisher nobly ‘fessed up to a couple of days later.

Just as well, wouldn’t want to damage the paper’s credibility, would they?.

Wheel Of Misfortune

Like the occasional on a ferris wheel?

Well, if you had hoped for a whirl at the upcoming South Pacific Festival next month, you’ll have to be patient and wait until the Townsville Show in July.

The T150 Pacific Festival, sponsored by 4TO FM, arrives in town early next month, and will run from 3^rd to 5^th of June at Jezzine and The Strand.But the promised fun for all isn’t apparent to all. Townsville Show boss Chris Condon was mightily miffed (read:hopping mad) when learnt that one of the show’s major attractions, the aforementioned ferris wheel was to be part of the festival. Operated by a member of the Queensland Showman’s Guild, the ferris wheel won’t be going the full circle at the festival after someone had a word in the owner’s  ear, through the medium of the Guild.

Mr Condon has had a long and colourful relationship with the Showman’s Guild, and it seems they understood his concerns.

Biffo, as Mr Condon was known to The Magpie when the old bird nested at the Bulletin, believes the Townsville Council has shown a distinct lack of support for the traditional 135 year old Townsville show by allowing and promoting an event that features similar attractions to the traditional sideshow alley so close to the show (1-4 July, the last day a Monday public holiday in Townsville).

Biffo is man of – shall we say – uncompromising opinions. He reckons the council should recognise the work he and the Show Society have put in over the past few years to put the once-tottering event well and truly in the black.

‘This other event has no particular tradition, and being so close to the show dates, it could affect us because things are tight for everybody in the region right now,’ he told The ‘Pie.

He hinted darkly at major forces moving against him and the Show Society behind the scenes, stopping just short of using the word ‘undermining’, while pointing out that both the council and 4TO do little to help the Society’s annual event.

The Magpie somewhat unwisely asked if Mr Condon had heard the rumours that the Palaszczuk government was toying with the idea of flogging off the showgrounds to a developer in order to fund the CBD stadium complex.

Sadly, Mr Condon’s reply will have to remain unreported, in consideration of Nest readers’ delicate sensibilities, but suffice to say he’s not for the idea… and then some.

Why Did We Stop Them 2

Those would-be terrorist twerps who wanted to join ISIS by boat are now safely tucked up in Melbourne, awaiting the tender and deserved mercies of our judicial system. As Bentley foresaw problems with this lot who are all at sea in more ways than one, others don’t think they would ever have pushed off.

So That’s Why They Call Soccer Gear A ‘Strip’

A Portuguese soccer team has come up with a somewhat startling new uniform design, which may confuse team doctors.

Now when one of these nancy boys trips over his shadow and sprains his ego, the trainer will be able to ask ‘Show me where you want them to think it hurts’

The ‘Pie wondered just how someone came up with this bizarre design. That was the very question put to the designer by his boss, and the reason is then clear.

Changing Your Ring Tone … Literally

No its not what you’re thinking, another tiresome bloody app.

Oh, dearie me, no,no,no … it is product for which The ‘Pie did not know there was a market.

After the first flurry of disordered thoughts, The ‘Pie was bemused to read the list of applications ‘anal, vaginal, scrotum, penis, nipples, dark underarms’ and then the supremely mysterious ‘other intimate areas’. Umm, what’s left that could even remotely be intimate. The nose, maybe?

That would be no use down at the Bulletin, most noses are already an ingrained brown.

………………..

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