Can she be serious? Jenny Hill says if the Feds stump up funding for the proposed CBD footy ground, it won’t be named after Johnathan Thurston. Guess who instead?

But Mayor Mullet says that she hasn’t forgotten JT:”He can have a stand in the ground named after him, ‘ she said in an interview. At least one respected national daily thinks she’s serious.

Also in this week of wonderment, the Astonisher’s well documented troubles with arithmetic suddenly spread like wildfire through the whole of News Corpse: a sort of mathematical myxomatosis … and it has reached the very top of the organization, with Rupert Rabbit copping a near-fatal dose.

And if you are somewhat wearied by the Short Un’s tepid ‘zingers’, the Wingnut’s ‘blunt instrument’ language and Talkbull’s silky dismissive fly-swatting, then The Magpie has swooped on a small treasure trove of little known political insults with real sting.

First, though.

Is she serious, or just seriously demented?

There are many sides to the Great Stadium (yawn) Debate, and here’s a BBQ stopper Funny, though, The ‘Pie doesn’t recall seeing in the Daily Astonisher.

When Mayor Mullet returned from Canberra after meeting PM Talkbull to put the case for the stadium, the paper as usual went all ape-poo with half facts and a deliberate and childish misinterpretation of Talkbull’s reception of the idea. Again, it was the usual dereliction of its duty to inform fairly and not raise unreasonable expectations, as well as interpret pollie-talk realistically – that is,  the delegation received a whole bunch of sweet nothings, with Mayor Mullet no doubt prompting ‘what a rube’ sniggers up their sleeves.

But here’s an astounding jaw dropper from no less than the highly respected (and trusted) Australian Financial Review the day before the delegation lobbed in the capital. Reporter Mark Ludlow started his story thus:

‘Townsville Mayor Jenny Hill is so desperate for federal funding for a new sporting stadium in the North Queensland city, she will consider naming it after Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull if he allocates money to the project.’

The Malcolm Turnbull Stadium? Bet he was impressed, almost couldn’t stop reaching for the cheque book then and there.  Wonder how many days the riots will last before that would be reversed.

Good on yer, Jen, you’re doing for Townsville’s image what Tony Abbott did for Australia’s.

And although later in the story, Ludlow says she laughed when talking about it, a reporter of his standing would not start his story that way unless he had reason to believe she was seriously proposing the idea. After all, it ain’t the Daily Telegraph, and more tellingly, certainly not a Murdoch paper.

And Townsville ratepayers will be most … ummm, interested … with another quote from the article you won’t be finding in the Astonisher:

‘But a 2013 feasibility study by KPMG did not exactly paint a glowing picture of the new Townsville stadium. While 570 jobs would be created during construction, it would only contribute 31 permanent jobs.The study said it was likely to cost $6.4 million a year to operate the stadium and it would deliver annual losses of $2.4 million.’

That study was the one that said the whole idea could only have a chance of being feasible if it is an integrated stadium/convention/entertainment centre project.

So maybe with losses like that, last week’s stadium pic wasn’t too far of the potential mark.

Shorten short on ideas

It’s mesmerizing to watch the snake and mongoose performance of The Short Un and Talkbull.

The new PM’s silky – sometimes unctuous , sometimes condescending – disdain for the opposition leader’s leading-with-his-chin questions left Bill without a zinger to his name. Talkbull showed his urbane class when Shorten noted Talkbull’s lavish praise of Abbott at a Liberal meeting on the previous weekend, and then stupidly asked the ‘please-kick-me’ question, in light of what an apparently great job Abbott had been doing, why did he knife someone who was doing such great things.

It was here the difference between the pugnacious Wingnut and his successor shone most brightly. Whereas Abbott would’ve replied along the lines of not needing advice from someone who had knifed two of his own prime ministers, Talkbull instead thanked Shorten for his  gallantry in giving him the opportunity to again praise his predecessor – which he gleefully went on to do with shining insincerity.

Shorten neatly had his flabber gasted, and it showed. Then next day, came the ill-advised idea to attack Talkbull’s wealth, including wife Lucy in the attempted smear. That was comprehensively seen off with eloquence – and facts (gasp – what?), and Shorten copped backwash himself for the tactic.

Bentley thinks he knows where the Short Un’s advice is coming from.

Seems most likely that the union corruption commissioner will step in soon and end the contest, TKO to Talkbull.

Where Have All The Real Zingers Gone.

Into the history books, one guesses. Elegant and telling political put-downs tend to have a short shelf life in today’s 24/7 news cycle, unless they are real sparklers. But the Poms still relished the barbed, wounding epithet, and are still at it to this day.

Here’s a few of the lesser known ones, new and old.

Margot Asquith had her say about her husband’s successor as PM.

Of course, Churchill has to be in here somewhere. He could almost be nice.

And just in case you thought our own  Paul Keating was above pinching a good line …

And Heath, unhappy in losing the leadership to Maggie Thatcher, wasn’t short of cutlery either.

The Best Front Page  Of The Week.

The ‘Pie reckons the Curious Snail has the very best front page of the year so far, when reporting on the member’s member which Billy Gordon sexted to some old girlfriends.

There were some high moments of low comedy in the headlines and captions in the Astonisher’s online edition. What seemed like a unique solution to the danger of wandering brumbies on the Bruce Highway might be hard to enforce.

“Excuse me, Mr Neddy, but do you know you were cantering in a clearly marked trotting zone?’

‘Neigh, officer.’

And the perverse ‘Pie rather liked this one ..

Geez, what a whinger, could’ve at least admired the knife skills.

Can You Guess His Theme Song?

We well know that reality is a sometimes thing at The Astonisher, with Iditor Lachy ‘Pinocchio’ Heywood setting the trend with his fine example of the Emperor’s New Clothes Syndrome-pretending the King is dressed in fine clothes that con men inventors claim can only be seen by intelligent people.

Each morning, he leads the day’s iditorial meeting in the bollocky, while all staff reassure him how great things are going and what a great leader he is. His nakedness is never mentioned-especially by a flushed and daintily perspiring Iditorial manager, Attila the Hen. Fight that repression, girlie.

But recently, he had to go a step further, and don more regal imaginary garments for a grand moment he had been waiting for.

He was to summoned to receive a News Corpse in-house encouragement award – they called it Regional Newspaper of the Year and the bun fight was News Awards For Excellence in Editorial, held in Melbourne. No, really, it is.

In an eye-watering thigh-slapper, Pinocchio gave a merry little acceptance speech, with a version of reality matched only by the judges who made the award.

Quoth he: ‘Pound for pound, there is no better newsroom in the country’. Sorry, The ‘Pie will pause here to give you time to wipe your eyes and catch your breath, because there’s more. ‘What should never be forgotten in these challenging times for the industry is the connection the Townsville Bulletin and regional papers have with their community (sic).’ Then, the comedic payoff of the year. ‘It cannot be understated they are the heart and soul of their community. (sic).

He apparently spent the entire flight home humming his theme song, returning again and again to the bits about ‘adrift in a world of my own’ and ‘Just laughing and gay like a clown.’

But Elsewhere In Rupertland, It’s Those Damn Numbers Again

Did you notice that bit in the Australian about News Corpse AGM voting to retain the dual-class share and voting structure which allows the Murdoch family to continue control over the empire? The Oz, in its familiar brown-nosing way, said the measure was passed by ‘a clear majority’.

Ya reckon?

Well, not really. Indeed, Rupert and family were a whisker away from what at best would’ve been an embarrassing shareholder rejection and at worst, the start of the slippery slope of losing power completely. As Glenn Dyer reports in Crikey.com, the figures are stark; the margin might seem pretty conclusive at first glance – 1.792million votes, but reality bites when that turns out to be a bare 1% majority of the 177.46 million overall votes. Last year’s AGM saw the same motion passed with a just a touch under an 8 million majority, so, as Dyer says, ‘there has been a significant loss of support for the Murdoch clan among News Corp shareholders.’

Crikey’s headline said it all:

Any change at the top could have some very interesting connotations for us here in lil ol’ Townsville. Start working on a consortium for the sell-off, Lozza.

 

But The Delusion Continues In All Corners of the Empire.

There is a campaign by the newspaper industry, through its The Newspaper Works online publication, patting itself on the back about how influential papers can be with thundering campaigns about issues. That begs the question – if they’re that powerful, why the need to mention it? Smacks of unconvincing wheedling.

But that thought hasn’t occurred to the Gold Coast Bulletin, which has jumped on the self-congratulatory bandwagon, which then became the subject of a story on The Newspaper Works website.

Editor Cath ‘Wobbles’ Webber had the typical News effrontery to take full credit for Feds stumping $90-odd million for the light rail extension, with a lot of deeply embarrassing hubris and self-pleasuring in print. (Again, if that claim is a fact, why not let it stand as obvious and people will work it out for themselves … it’s a counter-productive tactic that gets up readers noses everywhere.)

But what caught the old bird’s eye was a gurgling quote from erstwhile Magpie chum, the –ahem – greatly deserving Walkley Award winning former Astonisher reporter Kath Skene. But for chrissake don’t mention that The ‘Pie said that … madam instantly morphs from the very essence of sweetness and light into sour old prune when The Magpie praises her. Not a pretty sight.

But Walkley winner or not, Kath apparently isn’t above the odd brown-nosing blatant lie. In this orgy of self-praise for her paper … and ergo, herself  … she had this to say.

“(The outcome) underscores that newspapers still have, not just the same influence, but a bigger influence than we’ve ever had before. We’ve got more readers than we’ve ever had before and there are few other organisations that can do what a newspaper can do.”

‘ … a bigger influence than we’ve ever had before‘? Oh the ring, my precious, the ring. And huh? ‘… more readers than ever before.’? Telling self-serving blatant porkies in public is not a good look for a Walkley winner, my gal.

This from the readership poll of the reliable and trusted Roy Morgan outfit.

The first column is M-F 2014, the second 2015, then Sat 2014 followed by 2015 (both to last June).

Hey leave the jokes, exaggerations and porky purveying to The Magpie, Kath, but if you’re going to fib, at least try not to make it so provable.

Your numbers are a train wreck, m’dear.  Or should that be a tram wreck.

Finally, we all get nostalgic for the good old days, when really useful things were on the market. Vern Veitch would kill for one of these.

If you’ve enjoyed this weekly bit of old cobblers (no, not you Vern – The ‘Pie understands) how about helping be the wind under his wings. Check out the donation button below.