Let the Fib Fest start – astonishingly good news for the Astonisher, but it somehow puts them in a bit of a publicity pickle.

Also, women with a sense of humour – c’mon, now stop that, youse blokes – really , a pictorial gallery that includes none other than our own mirthful Mullet. Yes, our mayor shows her playful side as a sly kidder.

Allied to that, has Macdonald’s hit on a sneaky new way to attract a more adventurous and mature clientele? You judge.

And there’s more than one local who could be having a shot at the top job at the Dudley Do-Nothings aka Townsville Enterprise?

Bentley’s back from his gap week, and is somewhat bamboozled by the Brisbane Bantam’s claimed insomnia over the state’s record jobless figures of seven per cent. .

Well, as an army man would know, Bantam, that’s what’s called ‘self-inflicted wounds’, from when you merrily went around slicing ‘ and dicin’ through the public service in the first year in office. Yes, yes, we all know about the Labor fiscal train wreck, but the lurch to the far right was more than a tad over the top, and there’ll be plenty of unhappy campers out there waiting at the polling booths with baseball bats unless there’s a rabbit in the Newman slouchie somewhere.

And on that jobs issue, spare a thought – of compassion or admiration – for this bloke …

This is Alex Scott, the Secretary of the tautological Together Union, pictured earlier this year. He’s a passionate bloke for sure, but with the most disconcerting television persona when speaking, with his lower jaw seemingly operating independently like one of those Monty Python talking caricatures, the lower area being the only moving feature.

But have you noticed a dramatic change?

Our Mr Scott has slimmed down noticeably, and for some reason, now seems to engage his whole face in disseminating his fighting words. Basically, the top half and bottom half of his dial are now together – in union.

In Canberra, sick PUPpy Clive Barrage Balloon Palmer is facing insurrection in the party ranks, with Tasmaniac Senator and 2014 Miss Congeniality Jacqui Lambrain declaring she’s ’fumin’, I am, I’m fumin’,’ and vows she is ‘gunna block all government legishlashun’ if Aussie diggers don’t get a bigger than the one and a half per cent pay rise on offer. And, in so many words,  if her waddling leader doesn’t like it, he can shove it.

The ‘Pie never thought he’d hear himself ever say this, but ‘on yer, Jacqui’. Of all the public servants, surely nurses and servicemen and women deserve to do better than most – certainly better than our pork guzzling politicians. But what may well be Lambie’s Last Stand (as a PUP senator at least) has been put in perspective by the great Larry Pickering.

Still, you’ve got to love the way our gal isn’t afraid to say things that other politicians would only think, particularly ‘If he doesn’t come along with my idea, he’ll be the one going to the polls in 18 months, but no matter what, I’ll still be a senator for another four years after that’. Talk about mixed blessings. This just about sums it up.

Over in the US, with the comprehensive mid-term electoral mugging of Bazza Obama, The ‘Pie couldn’t help thinking of a song from the musical Li’l Abner (remember the comic about Dogpatch and Daisy Mae). The dance show-stopper was ‘Jubilation T Cornpone’ about the bumbling Civil War general who got everything wrong. Particularly the line ‘Jubilation T Cornpone, old battered and worn-pone’. Paul Zanetti thinks along the same lines.

So the roundelay of universal politics continues apace, alas, never better summed up than here.

The other perennial fight starter in America is the deadly subject of guns. Ignoring the old Moss Hart suggestion that messages are for Western Union, one group urging caution with weapons has come up with this very funny and effective TV ad.

Coming back to matters local, some remarkably good-ish news for Pinocchio Heywood and his embattled Daily Astonisher. The yearly readership figures to the end of September are not only out … but for The Townsville Bulletin, THEY’RE UP!! Here are the details for Queensland, first figure 2013, second 2014.  (in 000s).

QLD

Courier-Mail	483	483	602	581	-	-
The Sunday Mail	-	-	-	-	905	863
MX	62	46	-	-	-	-
Cairns Post	61	52	89	81	-	-
Gold Coast Bulletin	87	86	98	99	-	-
Townsville Bulletin	51	56	74	70	-	-

Here’s how the Roy Morgan survey group, reviewing the nation-wide (still disastrous) print trends, gave us the news.

Three other papers also made weekday gains: the Townville Bulletin (up 9.8%), Canberra Times (up 5.4%) and Newcastle Herald (up 3.0%). The Courier-Mail, also, can surely count its unchanged weekday figure (and only single-digit weekend declines) as a win.

Now that is undeniably good news, after the battering the paper has taken over the past four or so years. The jiggery pokery employed to achieve this result can wait for another time, and that’ll be when the actual latest circulation figures come out shortly. But jiggery pokery or no, that is the name of the game throughout the industry and the paper – The ‘Pie suspects in this case, in the person of Commercial Manager and super savvy marketer Lewis Ramsay – have played it right. If that’s the case, double kudos to Mr Ramsay, achieving the numbers rather ‘in spite of’ than ‘because of’ the continuing decline in editorial standards. (That’s not a mean spirited assessment … it the truth, undeiably right before your eyes every day … if you bother.

But a win is a win, and nationally, it looks good for the town.

It is fair to note that the flagship Saturday edition continues to shed readers, around 7% down, from 74,000 to 70,000.

BUT …. (ain’t there always a but?)

Iditor Pinocchio Heywood is going to need a few litres of nasal spray to keep his nose clean when he starts honking on about this.

You see, although the Roy Morgan survey is the one the media buyers and advertisers believe, News Corpse insists on quoting the far more generous stats from its own creation emma (Enhanced Media Metrics Australia) which, since invented by the publishing industry itself a year or two ago, has consistently delivered unbelievable ‘Emperor’s new clothes’ figures of nigh-on impossibly rosy conclusions.

Here’s what The ‘Pie means – this from the Bulletin’s own come-on to advertising punters.

That basically would have us believe that just under five people read each copy of the Bulletin Monday to Friday, to which a technically sound response is ‘pull the one, it yodels’. So Roy Morgan puts it at 56,000, and those nice people at emma demur, suggesting 100,000. This transparent flapdoodle is compounded by the well established fact that Saturday papers have always had a far higher ‘hand around factor’ than other days, but are to accept that less than four people do the traditional weekend thing.

Pinocchio’s problem will come when emma chips in with its rosy glow of figures … and then the audited, non-fiddleable circ figures hit for the year ended September. Clearly in the offing is, as Effie says, how embarrassment.

Down on the Gold Coast, Typo Gleeson’s replacement Cath Wobbles Webber seems to have steadied the ship there, losing just a thousand readers weekdays but picking up a thousand on weekends. Typo’s dead hand is still at the helm of the sinking Sunday Mail , shedding another  42,000 unhappy campers over the year. But of course, that’s not going to get in the way of a flim-flamer like Typo making claims that just ain’t true, especially in support of a price rise. This from Crikey.com during the week.

If it’s not News Corp, it doesn’t count. The Sunday Mail in Queensland has upped its prices and tried to sweeten the deal by pointing out that it is still the cheapest Sunday newspaper in the state.

That’s not actually the case — the Sunday edition of the APN-owned Sunshine Coast Daily retails for $1.50, more than a dollar cheaper than The Sunday Mail. One of those times where the services of a subeditor or two wouldn’t have gone astray … — Sophie Benjamin

God, they’re bloody polite at Crikey. The ‘Pie reckons Typo got some photographs of someone.

Like they say, you wouldn’t read about it.

Plenty of idle speculation floating about town as to whether any locals think they are worthy of taking the hot seat at Townsville Enterprise. With an external recruitment mob in charge, no one is giving any hints.

But several people tell the ‘Pie they reckon one Dawson Wilkie, former chief tap turner at the Townsville Council (Chief Engineer to you) is likely to have a shot. After council, Dawson joined that jolly little back-smiler John Berne at TCS, but that ended in tears and some unkind words both ways, The ‘Pie hears. Then there was a stint as CEO or some such for Port chair Pat Brady’s UDP engineering consultants, but that too came to an abrupt end for reasons unknown. Our man is apparently doing a bit of consulting on Palm Island, so braving the terrors and rudderless uncertainty of Townsville Enterprise should hold no night sweats for Mr Wilkie. However, all those mentioning it had him at long odds even to get an interview if he does evince an interest.

Several other names have been mentioned, chiefly the aforementioned Lewis Rankin, who was in fact front runner and easily best qualified for the job last time before he was ambushed by Berne and Co in favour of David Kippin … and we all know how that ended. It’s understood Mr Rankin knows the wisdom and rewards of remaining loyal to Rupert, so will not again be tempted away from the News Corpse fold on Flinders Street West.

Another Astonisher connection is the apparently very aimiable and capable Sue Willis, but that seems a bit lof a stretch. She left the Astonisher to join TEL as Economic Development Manager, but lasted just three months when it is said she saw first hand the leaderless shipwreck down at Wishing Well House. She is now doing marketing at the Cowboys, and as much as Lozza Lancini would be probably happy to see her as TEL CEO, word is that ain’t gunna happen.

The best person for job won’t be applying. Dolan Hayes, His Radiance Mayor Mooney’s media wunderkind now has his own booming business and is happy copping well deserved consultancy fees from inter alia TEL as well as points south. He’s also not an masochistic idiot.

Someone has suggested there’d be no stopping periannial up-popper Rabeih Krayem materialising from some random trapdoor, application in hand. But no, still your beating hearts. After a business career more chequered that than Typo Gleeson’s TV jacket, Mr Krayem’s latest placement outfit Outcome Results, is booming so much that he is unlikely to even think about it. He wouldn’t have a hope anyway, but the Magpie mate said he floated the idea only because, and The ‘Pie quotes” Rabeih would be in anything except a shit sandwich, and only then because he doesn’t like bread’.

Postscript on that issue. Could TEL chairman Kevin Gill, apparently livid with Clr Pat Ernst’s suggestion during the week that any asset sale money go to council to pay down debt and depress rate rises, could be fumbing the recruitment process? A review is sorely needed of this money-hoovering mob and it should be done before a new CEO is appointed. Then the interview process can be clear about the duties and framework in which a new boss can work his or her magic.

You can bet this sad saga is a long way from over yet.

Moving on, and into even more dangerous territory.

My old nana – a lovable dingbat was old nana – used to have the saying ‘beware of women who whistle, and ladies who laugh’. While The ‘Pie doesn’t exactly subscribe to that – unless he comes across one who can do both at the same time –  he has oft wrestled with female humour, confident only of getting a hearty girly guffaw just before lights out in the bedroom. But a series of pics came the blog’s way during the week that displayed a neat self-deprecating touch, with even our beloved madam mayor in on the act.

First there was the working mum as surfer girl, who is obviously an Iron Woman …

… then a different way to get your rocks off …

… and a new way of getting a woody on down in the woods .

But the best chortle came from Mayor Mullet. This lobbed in during the week featuring our ‘independent and definitely not Labor’ mayor. It was posted by the Thuringowa Labor candidate Aaron Harper who’ll be taking on Sam the Energiser Bunny Cox in the state election.

Was that a Bully photographer?

What a cheeky tease. Look it’s obviously the mayor’s puckish sense of humor, showing she doesn’t play favorites as an independent mayor – so there’s little doubt when Sam Cox invites her to do a walk-around on the same hot buttom topic on which he has achieved so much as the sitting member, she will be there like a flash. Err – she will, won’t she?

Finally, you can’t say Macdonalds isn’t an innovative marketer. The ‘Pie is unreliably informed that the burger buggers have hit on a new way to ditch their kind of dowdy image and create a hip experience for a generation up from pimply teenagers.

It is said the company will be doing away with ordering takeaway directly with a staff member, and have strategically placed microphones on Ronald Macdonald figures specifically aimed at the adult female and gay population. We have a sneak preview of tests being carried out.

What next from the golden arches? Golden showers?