That may sound like the nun being carried on the clown’s shoulders – vergin’ on the ridiculous – but The Magpie makes his case.
The best front page of the year so far … and yes, it is from The Townsville Bulletin (gasp, is The ‘Pie off his meds?) No, just credit where credit is due.
But that’s the good news – the latest circulation released yesterday indicate things are closer to breaking point than Gina Rinehart’s panty elastic …
… and Bentley’s back!!!
Honestly, He Ain’t Worth A Plugged Nickel
In the card playing terminology, Tsar Trump has been trumped at his own game this week – by our own Lord Lardo, Clive Palmer.
Turns out that Palmer has more in common with Humpty Dumpty than just ovoid circumference, he also share the famous egg’s approach to language –‘When I use a word, ’Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, ‘it means just what I choose it to mean – no more nor less.’
Through The Looking Glass by Lewis Carroll. 1872.
Thus it was in this lofty disdainful spirit that Lord Lardo gave evidence this week – at least his version of it, which showed a fine disregard for the usual meaning of testifying on his oath – to a Federal court inquiring into aspects of the collapse of Queensland Nickel. Lardo said he couldn’t remember why he paid himself $15 million dollars four years ago, suggesting it was too long ago to remember. So understandable.
But the bizarre went to the downright creepy when he said he gave his father-in-law $8 million ‘for natural love’. The ‘Pie is of the opinion this is what could be termed … ermm … an open-ended statement. It makes one wonder what Clive’s going rate would be for something kinky, something in the realms of ‘unnatural love’. The imagery this conjures up no doubt had Cory Bernardi hitting the bottle big time.
But the looking-glass logic continued from the witness box, when Lardo suggested the nickel refinery workers should be ‘grateful’ to him for having a job for seven years, broadly suggesting that they would not have if he had not bought the refinery from BHP. This weirdness doesn’t sit well with our Bentley.
And the Townsville Bulletin conjured up their best front page headline in years on Thursday.
That’s a classic for the ages, ticking all boxes of a good headline and bitter truth. For once, the Astonisher has spoken for the whole community. And The Magpie’s verdict; in the old American cowboy term, Palmer ain’t worth a plugged nickel, and deserves the same fate as Humty Dumpty.
White House Theater Of The Absurd – It’s All The Damn Media’s Fault
Has it all been a wilful misunderstanding by ‘the lying media’? Biting the hand that seeks to feed it with flattery and friendly humour? Many in the White House press corps, like this mob …
… were quick to jump on The Trumpet’s suggestions that the media were all ‘fakers’. But it was all a misunderstanding of language. The Prez didn’t call these folk ‘fakers’ at all. What he meant was they were all ‘FAKIRS’, you know, like this bloke.
And that nice Mr Trump knew full well that according to his dikshunary defunishun, a fakir is one belonging to religious orders who is considered a wonder worker who is constantly begging for living. Seeing all those outstretched hands begging for a morsel of wisdom, the benign Trumpet showed his playful, lovable side, joshing them that they were all ‘fakirs’ who worked miracles with the ‘real or alternative’ facts. No damn sense of humour, those hacks. How could so many misunderstand a bit of friendly raillery from the Chump-in-Chief?
But still they persist. Some with tongue placed firmly in cheek, like this sardonic Time magazine cover.
The animated version is worth a look … go here and scroll down to have a peek.
But there is certainly a disconnect in perception about things. The world’s jaw dropped when we were told by Trump that his operation so far ‘was a fine tuned machine’. Trump sees himself driving the country like this …
… while the world sees it like this.
No Such Problems For Mayor Mullet
When it comes to well-oiled machines, Mayor Mullet is the Queen of WD40.
When Mullet Whisperer Dolan Hayes comes up with a good strategic idea, or the mayor just has a thought-fart of her own (easy to tell the difference, one makes sense, the other …well… the word ludicrous comes to mind), she reaches for the Bogan lever, there’s a humming, some scrapping and clanking down on Flinders Street West, a photographer pops up like a jack-in-the-box, a media release slides down the electronic tube, which, for the sake of authenticity, is transcribed by a real person (sort of), and presto! Mullet in the limelight yet again. Or she presses the Dudley Do-Nothing button, and the next thing you know, you have sock puppet TEL CEO Little Patty O’Callaghan ponderously telling us (as per the MulletFone instructions) she, Patsy, can’t rule out the re-commissioning of the Collinsville Power station. No, now c’mon, don’t be like that, don’t laugh, she’s not fibbing – because she CAN’T rule it OUT. But of course, she CAN’T rule it IN either, since it is nothing to do with this increasingly bumptious someone-else’s-message-on-a-stick lightweight.
In all this, Mayor Mullet continues pushing her Senate campaign agendas – sometimes through third parties as above – and is able to oil her way out of any sticky questions. If any were ever asked.
One third party who does the bidding of His Mistress’s Voice is the punchline of the Townsville Council joke, Mark Molachino. He recently informed the media on the mayor’s decision (which no doubt originated with CEO The Impaler) to convert a whole swag of free CBD parking bays back to metered spots, in a panicked effort to patch over the financial cracks which are starting to appear in the council books.
Playing his part, Ben Bogan at the paper had a minor squeak about it, and commissioned a cartoon attacking Molachino, depicting him with his head in the sand (talk about pot calling kettle etc). He didn’t bother to mention that Molachino’s much trumpeted ‘community feedback’ behind the decision (what a crock!) certainly didn’t include any consultation whatsoever with the Chamber of Commerce. This sober-sided and mature body first heard about it in the media, and it goes dead against their desire for more – not less – free parking in the CBD. But what would they know, they’re business people – you know, employers and ratepayers – what would they know about politics? Or parking revenue?
Needless to say, the Mullet’s well-oiled machine ensured the paper did not lay a glove on her for this one, as she fed one of her team members to the angry ratepayers and business owners.
And so how’s the parking initiative going for you, m’dear? Ever heard of unintended consequences? Did it ever cross your money-fevered mind that by removing free parking on the fringe of the CBD might have the unintended consequence of people saying well bugger it, if I have to pay, I’ll park nearer work? And makes it even harder for shoppers wanting to make a quick run to a city shop to park, so they go elsewhere?
Because that is what has been happening. The CBD was chockers with parked cars just before midday on Friday … and at the very same time, this was the Eyre Street car park ($6 a day ta muchly) – which used to packed out by 9.30 every single morning.
That’s been the story for the past three weeks at least. And oh the irony … that white truck is a TCC vehicle, for a couple of blokes with leaf blowers, so not only is revenue gone, but it is costing us ratepayers the time of two staff to blow leaves in an empty car park. The ‘Pie came across an unusual word this week, which seemed more than a coincidence, The word is ‘sequacious’, – ‘(of a person) lacking independence or originality of thought’.
Apply liberally to whomsoever you think is appropriate.
It Is A Word That Certainly Does Not Apply To Premier Anna Alphabet
The ‘Pie almost spilled his pre-sleepies cocoa and Chivas laughing so hard when Anna Palaszczuk announced deputy premier Jacky Trad as the new Transport (read Railways) Minister.
Watch out Anna, she’s eyeing off your ribs!
The Premier may be a serially apologizing dud fronting a game of drones as far as the populace is concerned, but she knows where her immediate danger lies – not in the ballot box but usually standing right behind her in media calls – and in the back rooms of Labor. Trad the Treacherous has barely hidden her ambitions, and has clearly been waiting for the chance to do a dainty number between her leader’s shoulder blades.
But Stirling Hinchcliffe’s departure from the admittedly tricky, union bedevilled portfolio offered Anna an unexpected opportunity. No doubt Trad objected strongly in private, but Anna insisted she take the extra ministry. Now this perfumed political assassin will be too busy covering her own arse to pro tem pursue her machinations. And if she fux up too, that will be the end of that.
Don’t worry about factions or unions, make no mistake, Trad is on the leadership make, but those ambitions have, for now, been – shall we say – derailed.
The Townsville Bulletin Continues To March Downhill To … Where?
The latest circulation figures for Australian newspapers shows that the The Astonisher has failed to make the crucial crossover between print and digital subscribers. That is a bridge that the big players now seem to have safely negotiated, with the Courier Mail going gangbusters. But the Bulletin’s dismal performance starkly outlines once again the paper’s now almost complete disconnect from the community it prefers to exploit as an elite player/toady rather than serve.
These are figures for the last quarter to December 2016, released yesterday.
Those figures mean despite hundreds of thousands of dollar worth of print advertising, in the three months to December fewer than 400 people decided to take up a digital subscription – and of those that did, many did so because of the bundle deal that includes the Courier (which of course boosted the Courier’s number through double dip counting). Those figures just ain’t going to cut it, especially when you deduct the phantom ‘add on’ figures to show that the print circulation is now a dismal 15,873 M-F, and a near disastrous 23,224 on Saturdays. Just what and when News Corpse takes what must be inevitable action is now our waiting game, but they’re in a right old pickle. Dropping to three days a week print … or even just Saturdays (both options have been canvassed in Holt Street where the decision will be made) carries it’s own revenue dangers, because there is a distinct lack of appetite for the (admittedly woeful) digital offering in the local market.
The paper is more and more littered with off-putting, penny pinching ‘sausage factory’ stories from outside the region, a move that further alienates this community.
And this sort of idiocy doesn’t help.
Brilliant insights like this are ‘premium content’, according to the paper.
This is a dilemma of News Ltd’s own avaricious and arrogant making, so it is hard to feel much corporate sympathy for Rupert’s grifters, and it lies squarely at News Corpse door when jobs start to go in a rush. That’s truly lamentable, but where The Magpie’s sympathies do lie is with this community. Any dynamic city has a strong, viable and respected media entity – be it print, digital or a mix of both – and the floundering, insincere, poisonous and greedy behaviour of News’s malign influence has robbed us of that.
They should be ashamed. But fat chance.
Bulletin Journos, Please Ring The Magpie If You Need This Joke Explained.
Name watch:
Noted around the place in news this week.
Max Greedy, director of the pokey venue the Sussex Inlet RSL.
Automation: Servant Or Master?
We’ve all seen and wondered at the driverless behemoth coal dumpsters, making human drivers redundant. But that is just one example, Around the world, there is emerging a conundrum … machines taking humans out of the job equation because they can make and do things a massive scale at a fraction of the cost to sell to … whom? Unemployed workers?
Strange stuff. The ‘Pie recommends you get hold of a great book of many years ago ‘Small Is Beautiful’ by a certain Professor Schumacher. Suddenly has come back into relevance.
Recently, The ‘Pie showed you a vid of a speedy and coordinated road laying operating in WA, and in the same manner, there is no denying, looking at these machines is often awe-inspiring … and while watching this, remember in the back of your minds it was humans who invented these modern wonders. Maybe they can figure how to avoid self-inflicted wounds on humanity, too.
And a Final Word Of Wisdom
Keep an eye out for the Water For Townsville group’s new mobile billboard, with appropriate messages for the appropriate people. A bit of rain isn’t going to change the crisis, and the WFG group are continuing to ‘keep the bastards honest’ until something concrete is done. Why not join their growing numbers.
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