The Magpie is moved to pen a poem for The Daily Astonisher, after its week of written and mathematical mayhem.

Lots of entries for the Quote of the Week, but you’ll have trouble believing the winner – yes, she actually said it. The perils of trying to check out that latest charitable pastime, the Ice Bucket Challenge … and Typo Gleeson signs on the dotted line … well sort of. Plus Larry Pickering makes an appearance while Bentley is on holidays (playing sailor during Magnetic Island Race Week).

First, we have four entries in Quote of the Week. They are, in ascending order:   4^th QOTW. The Huffington Post reporter who opined “Only Chrissy Teigen Could Pull Off Underwear On The Red Carpet.”

Anytime, Teigen, anytime. And anywhere. Yours or mine, preferably both (sigh).

3^rd QOTW:

Despite two entries, third place goes to union … well, not so much rorter as rompster …  Kathy Jackson who described a fling with a Royal Commission into Corruption barrister two decades ago as ‘a charity shag’. (Her full quote was ‘Forget the former lover stuff, everyone makes mistakes and has a charity shag along the way.’ Everyone? Why does The Magpie increasingly feel he has missed out on some things in his life?).

Ms Jackson also saved some ammo the former Michael J. Fox of the union movement Bill Short-un, describing his time as union supremo  as ‘Dracula in charge of the blood bank’.   With resident ‘toonist Bentley on a couple of weeks holiday, Larry Pickering steps into the breech to give his view on Ms Jackson’s week in the Royal Commission . Worth noting all this happened in the week that a book of poems for kids by children’s writer Roald Dahl was nanny-stated off the shelves of a the Aldi supermarket chain because it contained the word ‘slut’. Art imitating etc?

2^nd QOTW:

The second placegetter is our old mate The Astonisher’s Anthony ‘Simpo’ Templeton, who still managed to instruct us with a Saturday column even while on holidays.

He too could easily have had multiple entries in QOTW.

The ‘Pie perked up, when he saw today’s column headline ‘Spin Crew Dizzy With Self Worth’, ready to see a long overdue mea culpa of cavalier journalism. But no, this was a finger-wagging shot at political advisers, the excoriating tone set from the opening line ‘Political advisers are getting younger and dumber’.

Clearing his 25-year-old throat, Simpo went into squeaking strident overdrive. ‘The standard of political advice, to both sides, is simply appalling. Instead of politicians hiring people who can help them craft good policies or clearly communicate their important messages to voters, they simply employ party minions who have life experience limited to student politics and drinking a few too many chardonnays.’

There’s a lot more in this vein, but note: just change the word ‘politicians’ to ‘editors’ and ‘voters’ to ‘readers’, you have the exact critique The Magpie had vainly expected.

But none of that is the entry in Quote of the Week.     No, with all the depth of experience, analytical thinking and living outside the city (three years tops), our boy came up with the deep conclusion that no one in what he termed ‘the real world’   would care if the government cut ABC funding because – wait for it  – ‘The only people who care so passionately about the public broadcaster are latte-sipping lefties in Sydney and Melbourne’.   Maaate – have a chat to the somewhat more cluey and senior colleague John Ando Andersen, to check out how country folk feel about the ABC, or even ask your erstwhile colleague and all-round better David Sparkes. With comments like that, I wouldn’t be getting oiled up and heading off to a B&S Ball any time soon, even if you know what a B&S is. You might not get the cheeriest of receptions, despite many of B&S activities being right up your alley.

If you’re going to be a goof, don’t do it in the paper, do it on social media. Oh, what, you already do? Ah, yes …

… often.

Perhaps a few too many chardonnays, m’dear?

But we’ll let you have the last word, again from today’s column and again with the change of the word ‘advisers’ to ‘reporters’. The problem with most of these young advisers is they are political ideologues and incredibly stupid. Instead of pulling off Machiavellian political schemes they end up making their bosses look like Mr Magoo.’ You said, pal, you said it.

Winner QOTW:

But for all that, #1 in the Quote of the Week is a runaway winner and probably won’t be topped for years to come. Thankfully, it goes off-shore.

If priests could marry, she’d be an ideal soul mate for George Pell … and they’d deserve each other.

Moving on.

Is someone having a very out-of-character joke in the ranks of News Corpse Queensland? We get enough unintended laughs from this crew but The ‘Pie can’t decide if this is a leg-pull, and a bit of an on-line hoax, or genuine. This appeared recently in the Curious Snail and Typo Gleeson’s Sunday Mail.

It is Typo’s signature that has folk talking. Now call his old bird classist and elitist, but The ‘Pie has always had a preference for editors who have mastered the art of joining up the letters in their handwriting, something most achieve before the age of eight.

So is this a rare moment of humour from Typo, and a Gleeson family in-joke, with his young son (probably be around six or so now) writing dad’s name for the ad, as a jest to show grandchildren? Or is this the real deal?

Interesting what graphology has to say in part about disconnected handwriting. ‘You cannot always explain your ideas 
in a logical manner, or say how you reached the conclusions. Thus your 
ideas may not always be convincing to others.
’

Well, that’s not much help, either case could still be true.

Back here in the ‘Ville, The ‘Pie has a stab at poetry, inspired this old snatch of doggerel

‘My parents have many faults,

I have but two, 

Everything I say,

And everything I do.’

Ahem …. cough, cough ….

‘ Astonisher is a fine paper,

Only two ways it ever stumbles,

Anything they write,

And anything to do with numbers.’

This week typified both traits.

First, those damn numbers.

A story on Thursday ended with this mysterious bit of information:   ‘The 2015 Al Blacks carnival will be held at the Townsville Sports Reserve this year.’ Now there’s one of two possibilities here. Either the event’s organisers are trying to change the way we interpret the Julian calendar, or it should’ve been 2014. If there is some other arcane interpretation, an explanation would’ve been handy.

Then there was this bombardment throughout the week.

The full page on the left appeared on Wednesday, the half-pager on the right on Monday and Friday. It was a certain Mr A Hitler who once famously said  ‘“Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it.” (NB The ‘Pie has since been corrected, it was actually Adolf’s campfire buddy Herr Goebbels.)

Seems it is a timeless tactic, now adopted by News Corpse (iditor Lachy Heywood would be under instructions on this one). But those numbers!?!   Somehow the industry-owned emma readership poll has managed the claimed rises to the readership figures. Never mind that the established – and independent – Roy Morgan people put weekday readership at 57,000, and weekends at 72,000. What gives the paper that whiff of desperation is the indisputable circulation figures. The latest of these put weekdays for the Townsville Bulletin at 22, 122 papers and weekends at 32,442 (each edition also has a piddling 1700 digital sales).

So Mr Heywood will have you believe that 4.52 people read each and every copy of the weekday Bulletin, and a very curious 3.08 readers scan each copy of the weekend edition.

Curious? It sure is, because since time immemorial, weekend papers have had way more of a ‘pass around factor’ than Monday to Friday rags. Seems they can’t even doctor the numbers so they don’t look dodgy or just plain … well, astonishing.

But logic hardly abounds down in Flinders Street West. The saga of a low level and totally irrelevant dust-up – eight months ago, if you please – between a couple of young indigenous girls has led the Astonisher deep into the woods of absurdity. Logicians would be flummoxed.   This comment during the week. The Magpie August 29, 2014 at 8:48 am  (Edit)

You really have to wonder at the moral compass (and analytical brain power) of The Astonisher. Just take that skirmish (with hair adjustment breaks).


Riddle me this.
Thursday’s paper had a urging pointer on the front page to ‘ugly carpark punch-up’, and the page 7 story had a blurry still from the video and a prominent red-background box screaming ‘SEE THE VIDEO’ complete with a scan code for mobile phones. Then we get to Josh Alston’s story (now now sweetie, stop that trembling bottom lip, Joshie, The ‘Pie isn’t having a go at you – he knows how upset you can get when you’re mentioned hereabouts).


First, it turns out that the video of the ‘fight’ … which was about as exciting and as injurious as the average soccer match ie harmless girly stuff – was last October, 10 months ago!! The Trawl Social Media For Stories editor stumbled across it and so we have it.

But it demonstrates that those at the paper who make these decisions have both the intelligence and the moral sensibility of a brick, giving the reader a finger-wagging tut-tut about how disgusting it all was – all the while ensuring that you don’t miss a second of it.


Not realising he could well have been talking about the paper and its readers, Josh quotes walloper Inspector Roger Whyte in large type’ The conduct by the combatants and all those watching is poor form.’ Quite so, despite sounding like a pommy TV copper.

And then Deputy Doo Dah Vern Veitch:’The actions of those watching the fight was of most concern’. Ummm, iditor, old fruit, does that include the folks you encouraged to view a video many if not most of whom would not have seen otherwise (and which ultimately was of absolutely no consequence in terms of injury or charges)?

Just how is this news? Because it happened? If so, The ‘Pie will allow you into the nest to view him clipping his toenails, with commentary. It happens, so ergo it’s news, right? And compared to the fight, there is a better chance of bloodshed, too.

This from the same paper that made a front page angel/hero out of violent criminal idiot dumb enough to kill himself during a pub break-in – and they got that mainly off social media, as well.

As was said all those years ago about British newspapers, all power and no responsibility, the prerogative of the harlot down the ages.

So Townsville thanks you, oh, Scarlet Women of FSW.’  

But they just couldn’t help themselves, they figured it was a Mortein story (when you’re on to a good thing, stick to it).

So reporter Josh Alston revisited the issue again on Friday, suffering  the paper’s communal numbers dyslexia, describing the crowd of maybe 40 or 50 as ‘hundreds’.

The Friday story it self was no doubt a make-good for outraged carnival organisers, who felt, with total justification, that the whole thing was a damaging beat-up. As always, as chiefs of staff well know, such follow-ups intensify the damage … and the paper’s absurd stance.

Ah, well, let’s move on …NO, WAIT … the paper hasn’t finished yet.

On page 36’s  bizarre and clearly hypocritical iditorial, Iditor Heywood slammed people who filmed brawls rather than stopping them!  Where does that leave a newspaper that not only shows the wildly out-of-date video, but hysterically promotes it – thus guaranteeing that 10 times the number of easily influenced nitwits see it than would otherwise been blissfully ignorant of its existence. The iditorial deceitfully lectures us with the trite truism ‘It is not OK to engage in a public brawl, or to stand by and watch or to film it’.   But showing it on your website is,  of course, somehow OK? Did you get some sort of dispensation from someone with the moral scruples of George Pell? And do you realize what a ethically devoid, contradictory and plainly stupid ass that makes the paper?

Give yourselves an uppercut … but make sure you film THAT and post it.

This week, The ‘Pie was fascinated to note that war criminal and former US President George W. Bush has reluctantly been suckered into this dreary Ice Bucket Challenge, where notables get doused in ice and water in the name of some charity (The Pneumonia Foundation?).  It’s as though the whole world has become one big The Footy Show.

But it’s little wonder Dubya was reluctant, he’d know all about such activity, being the inventor and enthusiastic promoter of ‘waterboarding’, which is basically an ice bucket challenge with a sock down your throat. He also said he thought it would be an undignified ‘presidential’ look, which is a little late in the day to consider the dignity and standing of the office to which he brought such cross-eyed buffoonery between bouts of sending thousands of American troops to a pointless fate in Iraq. But in a hokey bit of woodenly staged embarrassment and bad acting, wife Laura managed a decade too late what should’ve been done at crucial moments in the Oval Office.

But seeking out the vision on the web posed unexpected and eye-popping problems. The ‘Pie finds the challenge a big yawn, but he couldn’t resist a look at a drenched Dubya, imagining a teddy bear pulled from a pond. The real challenge turned out to be finding the vision. Googling ‘dripping wet bush’ brought up a number of sites that, after a close examination for an hour or two, The ‘Pie decided showed nothing that looked like the former president.

Well, actually, they all did, but only in the pejorative sense.