The Kipper about to be filleted? But who is wielding the boning knife?

Will David Kippin’s chair suddenly be vacant down at Wishing Well House? The ‘Pie examines the plight of the chief of the Dudley Do Nothings. Also. he Iditor of the Daily Astonisher, aka the Townsville Bulletin, is honored with a new nickname … and while resident ‘toonist Bentley is still playing sailboats before his return next week, we have a small, biting guest gallery of  Zanetti on national matters.

But first, a couple of Astonisher pix grabbed the gimlet eye in the past few days.

A reporter interviewed ambo officer Lara Jeyden, who explained that despite lights and sirens, things can still get more than a bit dicey out there on Townsville roads if drivers aren’t on the alert. It calls for concentration. The photograph seems to indicate Ms Leyden did the interview just after coming in from a particularly hair-raising trip.

Then there are the mind tricks played on you by headlines that don’t quite pair well with the story’s photograph.

In Wednesday’s Astonisher, The ‘Pie did a double take at this shot of radiation therapist and runner Elderene Brostrom.

Somehow, the headline and the pose gave an entirely wrong impression at first glance, seeming to hint at a hitherto unreported type of marathon. Well, that’s the way it seemed to The ‘Pie – those who suggest the old bird is bitter and twisted are only half right … he’s just twisted.

Mind you, The ‘Pie will not hear a bad word about Ms Brostrom; after seven weeks of radiation therapy, The ‘Pie can honestly say this city can be proud of the great team at TTH; to a person, and under trying conditions of a major move to a new area, they were at all times efficient and ever aware of patient care and comfort. You deserve good things happening to you all, sincere thanks.

Now we’ll revisit a couple of things from last week, one mystery solved, another deepens.

You’ll recall that childish printed signature purportedly to be Typo’s on a self-puffery ad in the Courier and the Mail. We wondered if it was some sort of in-house joke, giving Typo Gleeson a  childish signature on one of those interminable bits of self-puffery that are all over increasingly desperate News Corpse publications nowadays.

Well, a barbed joke it may well be, since it turns out it isn’t Typo’s moniker at all, although the real one leaves one wondering a bit too. Here’s the real one …

This is from a letter of apology Typo was forced to write to an employee when News Corpse adjudged him guilty of workplace bullying.

In the Astonisher, they have a new theme song, Chris Isaak’s ‘Somebody’s Crying,’ which has the apt line ‘ I know when someone’s lying ….’.

It seems inescapable that Iditor Lachy Heywood is both crying (about lost circulation and readership), while at the same time , ummm, well, surely fibbing when we are almost daily assailed with unfathomable stuff like this …

You’re growing, mate? SO IS PINOCCHIO’S NOSE.

Look, it just doesn’t add up but if The ‘Pie is wrong, enlighten us.

First the ambiguity of the weekday readership claim. Do you mean 100,000 people read the weekday editions of the Bulletin over a single week? But no, that cannot be the meaning, because audited (i.e. fair dinkum) circulation figures for weekdays has the paper selling an average of around 23,000 papers per day. With just a single reader per paper, that would be 115,000 weekly readers. Can’t be that.

SOOOO … with a daily circ of 23,000, Pinocchio Heywood wants us to believe that an average of just over four people read each and every issue Monday to Friday. Half a million every week – not far off three times the population of the city and twice that of the entire circulation area!

Two C words spring to mind … Cripes and Credibility.

So Pinocchio it is, Lachy, because his porkies were also very obvious.

And a note on priorities.

Yesterday, mayoral wannabee Clr Tony Parsnip announced that’d he’d be pushing for a ‘weighting’ for local businesses tendering for council projects. In other words, to boost jobs and the economy generally, the council will seek to set up what would be a discounted consideration for local tenderers to ensure locals can compete with out-of-towners, and keep the jobs and money in our community.

A smart initiative, greatly welcomed by the Chamber of Commerce, whose President Stephen Motti welcomed as a step in the right direction that would greatly assist local businesses and their employees. Undeniably a great good news story for embattled business people.

Pretty significant news, especially if you’re all for the north, eh?

Well, not at The Astonisher, where there were a few pars simply quoting Parsnip.

Note the page number.

No one else was quoted on the idea, including Mr Motti.

The paper that cares so much for the north did however display its priorities on its web edition, where the proposed boost to the local economy wasn’t mentioned at all. What was mentioned very prominently was this …

… which, once you looked at the story, turned out to be an unfortunate woman getting sconed by a bit of falling masonry … in Chicago! And it wasn’t even the paper’s gawker factor, a gargoyle, just a bit of stone loosened by a steel pipe.

Perhaps Pinocchio Heyward should adopt his own theme song, a modified version of the Creedence Clearwater ditty ‘And still I wonder, still I wonder, who’ll stop the drain’. Not just readers and advertisers, staff drain too – two small matters worth mentioning.

The paper is about to lose another good ‘un – Anthony Stewart, who has been in the Chief of Staff chair for the past few months, is heading off to Rockhampton and a gig as a TV sports reporter. In The ‘Pie’s experience, Anthony was a head down-bum up sports reporter when the bird was at the paper, and shone brilliantly as the best organiser of a footy tipping competition ever (guess who had a win or two?) Returning to his first love of sport, he’s sure to have fun. All the best, Stewie.

And it’s been relayed to this blog that David Sparkes didn’t leave the Bulletin to go to the ABC, he left to become a freelancer, and his first contract was six weeks with ABC Rural. While Mr Sparkes seems to have his head screwed on and grew up some time ago, it has to be said that leaving a secure salary at the paper for the pitfalls and perils of the freelance life (The ‘Pie knows, oh, yes he does) seems a commentary on the paper itself. Of course, Mr Sparkes remains a columnist for the Astonisher, so he’s unlikely to enlarge on that conjecture.

Now to the question the world and his wife are asking around the ridges – who is behind the push to unseat David The Kipper Kippin? Rumours are swirling, and the next board meeting is going to a doozy unless there are some pretty swift negotiations beforehand. The Kipper will be sweating on keeping his cushy job, but he’s now as close to a lame duck as can be without quacking. It seems the only way forward now is a long overdue restructure of Townsville Enterprise. You might have read that sentiment here before.

The ‘Pie cannot confirm the following for sure, but it is being relayed from several sources independent of each other.

The word is that the prime mover behind the proposed ouster is Lozza Lancini. Lancini isn’t a bloke who got where he is through easy ‘boys club’ appointments, (well, not at first, not until he’d proved himself) and is unlikely to appreciate anyone in such a position who doesn’t pull their weight or just simply isn’t up to the task.

Lozza has a lot riding on various proposals being handled by TEL, not the least of which is the super stadium. He has a threefold interest there … work on the project itself, enhanced value of his considerable property holdings in the vicinity, and increased flow through the Cowboys Club on Flinders Street (he remains a big say-so in the Cowboys overall operation). And before the Townsville Whines brigade hotfoot it to the keyboard, understand that there is nothing wrong with Lancini pushing that agenda, with one proviso – that his personal business ambitions don’t cost the ratepayers any rate rises to underwrite the project. That won’t happen under the present council anyway, Townsville First have repeatedly said so, and it’s certain Mayor Mullet would oppose such a path, so the coming local political skirmishes will bear close watching.

The other name that keeps popping up in this matter is that of Kid Crisafulli. A Magpie inquiry to the Local Government Minister  has so far gone unanswered (probably wisely, just stay out of it publicly) but it’s long been heavily rumored that The Kid is no Kippin fan. And – although it won’t happen – if it came down to the The Kid versus The Kipper, filleted fish would be the order of the day. And councillors had better start being a little bit circumspect with ratepayers money allocated to what is now surely a badly damaged organization.

Other matters.

Senator Glenn Lazarus ‘the brick with eyes’, has always been a courageous man never to take a backward step -= what else would you expect of a bloke born in NSW?

Yet one wondered at his bravery when in his maiden speech he called for a ‘tax on obesity’.

Ummm, Glen, mate, did Clive see your speech beforehand? One guesses not. That’s like say, Joe Hockey calling for a tax on big ears. Or The Greens a tax on stupidity.

But Paul Zanetti reckons Clive has his uses for The Brick.

Indeed, Zanetti has his own take on life as Clive’s PUPpies.

And as only a top’ toon man can do, he makes a very overdue and almost not funny point about hypocrisy.

Not that Zanetti thinks there’ll be any embarrassing gaffes here while PM Wingnut is overseas … he’s taken precautions.

While Wingnut is abroad, he might get a chance to glimpse the fabled Bridge of Sighs in Venice.

And when he comes back, he could maybe travel to Tassie to see the Jacqui Lambie Bridge of Size.

Enough now, it is away to Poseurs Bar, where might spy a local Pinocchio getting a nose job from a slightly confused gal who doesn’t have to move – Pinocchio just keeps repeating Yes, I love you, no, I don’t, yes, I do etc….