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The Magpie

Saturday, March 24th, 2018   |   115 comments

Mayor Mullet Stars In Her Own (Im)morality Play ‘The Remaking Of Jenny Hill’ … It’s A Hoot.

Council transparency at last!!! Sot of … at least it’s clear what they’re up to.

So deep in the shit as the inevitable election edges closer, Mayor Mullet has really hit the panic button, with an orchestrated piece of theatre to boost her image. She’s the play’s star and director, with the councillors just following the script and The Astonisher giving it rave reviews.

Indeed this week, the blog is many things Mullet … The ‘Pie cedes center stage to a commenter who has penned an inspired take on our beloved and beleaguered mayor. Plus The ‘Pie has dug up an the perfect visual metaphor for her governance of this city. When you’re not laughing, you’ll be wincing.

And hooning his life away … the 78-year-old familiar ex-Townsville face living life in the fast lane – literally.

But first …

OK, what is it now, a couple of years to the next Federal election? Right on schedule, the famous Labor death-wish appears on the federal scene.

No doubt buoyed by the qualified welcome to his proposed changes to the Negative Gearing fiddle, which has outlived its underlying purpose, The Short Un pulls out the trusty old party election blunderbuss, takes aim at pensioners and super retirees … and blows his foot off.

Bill Shorten

The one thing to be said for the stupidly timed and ill-thought out cash grab from self-funded retirees is that at least Shorten instantly learnt that you don’t mess with we oldies … even the mild mannered Bentley, who is still a year or two away from a walking frame, aptly demonstrates why Mr Shorten is a complete political clot on this one.

Franking credits small copy

For those with short memories, that’s Paul Keating standing next to The Magpie, he of course being the man who introduced the superannuation tax credit scheme in the first place. He’s ticking off the minutes to a Labor leadership challenge.

It is passing strange that Labor picks on this vote losing attempt at class warfare, when they would’ve done a lot better talking up both the Banking inquiry and the astoundingly crass golden parachutes gifted to certain big swinging dicks in the financial sector. It’s a class of legal swindlers than can hardly wait to get the shove.

It is with a heavy heart that I step down as CEO

It is with a heavy heart that I am stepping down as CEO.

The defenders of totally unjustifiable executive salaries quote the ‘trickle down effect’ – a ‘let them eat cake’ theory that says rewarding the wealthy ends up employing more people – but economist John Kenneth Galbraith put paid to the theory forever with one of the past cntury’s greatest put-downs. “Trickle-down theory – the less than elegant metaphor that if one feeds the horse enough oats, some will pass through to the road for the sparrows.” 

trump hair

Clearly, America’s Corn Cob In Chief has never read Galbraith … or anything it would seem. His amateur economics on tariff’s has certainly got investors looking for safer bets, as larry Pickering notes.


But at least his stint in the White House is deterring some unwanted immigration.

“Yeah, we clearly came at a bad time! We’ll be back in a few years, and, uh ... good luck!”


The Walker Street Aerobics Class In Revolt? Hardly …

Now on to the local scene.

This week, we were treated to political pantomime by the councillors of this fair city – high farce at its entertaining best. (Farce you will remember is a comedy that entertains through situations that are highly exaggerated, extravagant and therefore improbable.) Of course, the Daily Astonisher went along with the joke.

Some background. Mayor Mullet has been hogging the limelight on the (supposedly) good news stories and has been ducking for cover on anything with a negative taint (Adani airstrip, anyone? Or maybe ‘council secret culture’ report?) , trotting out minor officials if anything is said at all on unpalatable subject (technically known as ‘cock-ups’).

It has finally sunk in to the muddled Mullet mind that the public just aren’t buying it, and are getting restless. So what to do? This.

Jenny Hill in ouncil

And they expect us to believe it. C’mon, seriously, now, madam … It would’ve been more appropriate if the council meeting had been held in the Old Court Theatre down the road.

magpie 4

The Magpie, as magpie’s do, swooped on to it in an instant, so glaringly apparent was this pissweak attempt at subterfuge and manipulation of public perception. This was the old bird’s instant reaction in comments on hearing the news.

The Magpie

Submitted on 2018/03/23 at 9:25 am | In reply to Hercule Poirot.

The ‘Pie trusts that a seasoned observer like yourself has not fallen for this latest orchestrated scene in the immorality play titled ‘The Re-Making Of Jenny Hill’? This is such a clumsy, hoked up attempt to make the council look democratic – 10 to 1 vote, oh, come on for Chrissake – and Mayor Mullet look like an inclusive leader (HA!), someone who can roll with the punches, and not let her lower tremble at this devastating loss – on an issue that no one gives tuppeny fuck about and is never going to lose the mayor any votes at an election.

The Astonisher is either stupid or complicit (The ‘Pie’s bet is both) in this bogus resurrection of a fallen heroine, as they stroll hand in hand down the path to perdition and ignominy.

The absolute gall of this mob of jellybacks.

But The Silliest Part 

But you know what the real giveaway of this charade is. Simple.10 to 1!!

You see, Mayor Mullet had to make it 10 to 1 to avoid being stung with the damaging assessment of a split council; she knows only too well what a devastating effect that such a divisive faux impression can cause – she herself used it so insidiously against Townsville First, accusing them of starting fights when all they were doing was the job they were democratically elected to do. But that 10 to 1 vote gave the game away.

But fair’s fair, The ‘Pie will admit that these oft criticised councillors will oppose mayor Mullet … but only when she tells them to. Now more than one person is wondering what other vital issues of public import on which we will see her, in the Astonisher’s breathless term, ‘rolled’. The colour scheme for the long awaited bus hub? A variation to staff morning tea breaks? Whether the council should foot the bill for the CEO’s peroxide expenses? Or how about a re-vote on the $18.5M gift the Adani for an airstrip? Now that the councillor’s have suddenly seen that this issue could well threaten their ticket on the gravy train next time around, the outcome may actually see the mayor rolled (an image on which The ‘Pie wishes to dwell).

It’s The Stuff Of Nightmares

Jenny HillMayor Mullet and The Impaler are having an effect on the everyday life on more than those sacked council workers. An inspired comment came into the Nest during the week, which was too good to risk you missing it (you all should really watch the comments, they are great fun).

This all his own work, unedited.


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Submitted on 2018/03/22 at 8:39 am

Last night on TV news the Mullet commented that the recent heavy rain was a deluge she knew had to happen.
Must have played on my mind because I had a dream last night in which the Mullet was claiming credit for breaking Townsville’s crippling drought.
Boasting that the Ross River Dam had passed the 80% full mark (and the ratepayers were STILL being slugged for water they cannot use), the Mullet revealed that she had appealed for divine intervention.
“I tried rain dancing but that didn’t work so I arranged a meeting with the Big Guy up above, did a deal, and hey presto the drought is broken,” she told the media.
Asked for details of the “deal”, she said the meeting had been held behind closed doors to prevent anone putting an alternate view to hers.
“In any case I can’t comment because the deal is commercial-in-confidence,” she said, as the Channel 7 and Astonisher reporters nodded in agreement.
Pressed by a ratepayer about why the entire council hadn’t attended such an important meeting the Mullet said it wasn’t necessary because the councillors only did what they were told anyway. “In any case, I didn’t want them sharing the credit, especially that media tart Messagebank.”
However she revealed the councillors did meet afterwards and approved a trip to Cape Town by the Mullet to break the drought in that city.
“My drought breaking efforts have not gone unnoticed and I’m now getting calls from all over the world seeking my services. Cape Town is just the start. I’m also talking to Egypt about what can be done for the Sahara Desert.”
Asked if spending an extended period out of town would impact on her council duties the Mullet argued that recent council appointments had proved you don’t need to live in Townsville to work in the city.
“We got rid of the locals and now most of the council’s key administrators live down south and work on a fly in/fly out basis, so I can’t see why I can’t do the same and run the city from Cape Town or Cairo.”
Impressed by the Mullet’s recent run of success, the local newspaper editor said the Astonisher would be nominating her for Australian of the Year.
“I’ve only been here a short time but from day one I realised that the Mullet is the newspaper’s most influential advertiser. What she has done has impressed not only me but also our financial controller.”
The editor said the Australian of the Year nomination would include the Mullet’s recent coups including:
• Saving local travellers millions in airport fees by calling for a boycott on Qantas, which convinced the airline to refuse to charge its customers a fee to pay for more retail shops and exclusive lounges at Townsville Airport.
• Putting Townsville on the map as a tourist destination by appearing on national tv with one of her councillors, calling for another Crocodile Dundee movie. Since that appearance and the viewing of their amateur promotional video, Townsville has become firmly entrenched as Bogan Capital of Australia. We now have Bogan Tourism – a world first. TEL has predicted it will lure hundreds of thousands of curious visitors to Townsville. Mr Adani promised all his 10,000 mine workers would come to check out Boganville, if they are ever employed.
• Reducing potential parking problems and traffic congestion by building a smaller 25,000 seat rugby league stadium in the CBD instead of the 50,000 capacity required to host big events like State of Origin.
• Negotiating a secret deal which could lead to Townsville becoming the first city in the world to build an airport 400km from its centre.
• Making local government history by becoming the first council to require police protection at its monthly meetings.
• Saving Deeragun residents thousands of dollars in irrigation costs by approving a nearby supermarket development which increased the flow of water through local yards.
The editor said the recent failure by the Mullet to get members of the Royal Family to visit Townsville during the Commonwealth Games was due entirely to the terrorist threat posed by senior citizens wielding anti-Adani banners. “The idea that the Queen or one of the princes would want to visit Townsville wasn’t unrealistic,” the editor said. “That anti-Adani mob is to blame.”
This morning I told the missus about my dream and she said it sounded more like a nightmare.

Very Magpie-esque, top stuff.

Visual Metaphor Corner.

As we all know, a metaphor is ‘a thing regarded as representative or symbolic of something else’. And by pure serendipity, The ‘Pie has found the perfect visual metaphor for Mayor Jenny Hill’s two terms in office. It starts out with a straightforward task, but watch what happens when the person in the driver’s seat tries to be too clever by half (see what I mean by metaphor?).

In Passing …

See Dickie Holliday has left his post as step’n’fetchit for Ceo Adele The Impaler Young, and has scuttled off back south. Another recruitment triumph. They’ve advertised the position – because they have to – so The ‘Pie is wondering who has got the job, and what sort of talents they possess to be able to roll someone like the previous super toady.

Australia’s Most Sedate – And Oldest – Hoon

After more than two decades in Townsville, widely respected and liked Magpie mate, PR whiz Ron Bairstow retired and returned to his native WA, to be close to his grandkids. But this incurable car-a-holic – he owns several including a vintage Rolls – caught the local spotlight recently. And why not, it’s not often a 78-year-old still has an active CAMS license and still gets his jollies racing cars. Not pretend events, either, Ron has been known to clean up the youngsters on occasion. For those with fond memories, here’s a recent TV profile on this barnstorming bodgie.

Verbal Ping Pong From Comments

Readers of the Nest can have their say in comments throughout the week, and while it is rare for something to not get published, just because you can have your say, don’t expect not to be answered back. There have been some epic and sometimes hilarious duels over the years. Here’s a sample from this week, when a reader got into a right old PC tizz when The ‘Pie made a passing humorous mention that Mayor Mullet was giving the Michelin Man a run from his money.

Non Aligned Worker 

March 20, 2018 at 9:23 pm  (Edit)

Body imaging insults shouldn’t be allowed on the blog. Go for the other comments regarding competence and administration issues but you should leave the personal comments out of this.


The Magpie 

March 21, 2018 at 8:58 am  (Edit)

Your soulful PC pleading would have carried more weight had you been just as indignant about The ‘Pie’s frequent mentions of his body shaming of Tony Abbott (‘wing-nut’), Clive Palmer (‘fatso, ‘blimp’) or the reference’s to the strain experienced by Gina Rinehart’s undie elastic. But no, you only bob up with your bumptious instructions on rules for this blog when our winsome mayor is mentioned. Hmmm, do we have a teensy weensy little ‘thing’ for the mayorsy-warsey, even when she clumps around lie she’s in Blundstones representing this city looking like she’s been dragged through a hedge backwards? Maybe not quite as non-aligned as you’d like us think, perhaps?


  • Non Aligned Worker

March 21, 2018 at 8:28 pm  (Edit)

You are entitled to your opinion you fat c#!t

  • The Magpie

March 21, 2018 at 9:54 pm  (Edit)

Classy comeback, full of wit … or something that rhymes with wit. And while you’re knob-throttling over body image, you have obviously never heard of ‘two-way pejorative belittling’ – in this case, insulting all female readers, who will not be happy to know that they apparently possess a moulting, bedraggled old feathery thing as part of their natural equipment. One hopes it doesn’t warble.

The Ultimate In Cleanskin Wine

Old Magpie mate John ‘Mother’ Hubbard tells The ‘Pie that he’s been feeling a little infirm lately, and the doctor suggested he should put a bar in the shower. So he did.

Screen shot 2018-03-24 at 10.13.46 PM


All done for another week, get stuck into those comments, folks … if you’re game. And if you’re even gamer, you might like to support the Nest with a small donation … the how to button is below.

The Magpie's Nest is now more than five years old, and remains an independent alternative voice for Townsville. The weekly warble is a labour of love and takes a lot of time to put together. So if you like your weekly load of old cobblers, you can help keep it aloft with a donation, or even a regular voluntary subscription. Paypal is at the ready, it's as easy as ... well, easy as pie. Limited advertising space is also available.

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