Knock, knock? Who’s There? Tony. Tony who? Christ, it doesn’t take long, does it, you ungrateful buggers?

So they’ve spun the bottle, and kissed Wingnut goodbye. It’s been the Canberra Carnivale at its most hilarious. The ‘Pie rummages through the best of it, with a clear winner being an animated video from Taiwan … it’s not dubbed or sub-titled but it all the funnier – and deadly accurate –  for that.

On the local scene … BONANZA … the Bulletin’s circulation goes UP … but, err, just before you pop that magnum of Moet, Iditor Heywood ….

How the Nanny State got it’s tits caught in the wringer ….

… and how good’s your Italian-speak? The ‘Pie REVEALS an EXCLUSIVE Vatican secret.

But first …

All we can do is watch and wait now, but what fun it’s been for the last week. For the occasion, Bentley sums up the story in his usual pinpoint style.

And it was modern day Pun(ic) Wars on the front pages, as headlines were written just for the pun of it. But everyone wanted a piece of the action. Here’s a few of the best of the chatterati.

From comments from The ‘Pie during the week.

The Magpie

September 17, 2015 at 9:29 am  (Edit)

Labor senator Sam Dystari – Bill Shorten with Brylcreem – had a moment in the Senate over the demise of Abbott, during an otherwise embarrassing speech which made The Short Un’s zingers look positively Marxist (Groucho wing).
He was listing all the songs that Wingnut could adopt as his theme song – his clincher was to quote the chorus lyrics from Taylor Swift’s ‘Blank Space’, the title itself apt commentary.
So it’s gonna be forever

Or it’s gonna go down in flames

You can tell me when it’s over

If the high was worth the pain

But for The ‘Pie, the brand new Brandon Flowers brilliant addictive earworm ‘I Can Change’ hits the nail on the proverbial.

Then They Went Back

Some clever clogs dug this up from circa 1993-ish – and as far as The ‘Pie is concerned, ‘good condescension starts today’.

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And The ‘Pie couldn’t help Himself With A Couple Of Bits Of His Own Tomfoolery

Dumbo Jones was an Abbott man, and voted thus, but only just.

…. and

Others Were Cruel

But  the most inventive telling of our recent turnstile leadership battles came from of all places Taiwan .. but cripes, were they on the money.

Moving back to the real world … of sorts.

Back Here In The Ville, Joy And Rapture In The Bulletin Bunker.

A rise in circulation for The Astonisher!?!

Sure has been – but it appears to be a classic case of ‘HOORAY … oh fuck’.

Monday to Friday the paper has been selling a daily average of …WAIT FOR IT, WAIT FOR IT … 61 more papers a day that the last audit three months ago.

Sadly, the flagship Saturday edition didn’t fare as well, and continues to be a slow motion train wreck, losing another 789 punters in the past three months. It would churlish of The ‘Pie to note that there were several major events in the past three months, which allowed the usual circulation rorts of dumping free papers – said to bulk purchased under .special deals, which no one ever wanted (read V8, Townsville marathon etc) … thousands were pulped.

Now The ‘Pie is always appreciated down at The Astonisher for his unselfish help with their maths, so to save Iditor Pinocchio’s nose growing any longer, let’s have a look at the really alarming (or should be) numbers. The industry accepts that digital subscriptions are the future, and growth in that area is absolutely crucial.

If that’s the case, the Bulletin’s future looks about as bright as that of a stoned toker on a Bali Beach.

Three months ago, Monday to Friday attracted 162 paying digital subscriptions. Saturday had 166.

Look again at the latest set of numbers … yes, they’ve actually managed to drop some of those pathetic figures. Monday to Friday lost 13 and Saturdays 9. It’s not really how many, it’s more, as the smart set say nowadays‘ the trending’.

But don’t expect anything to happen too soon; although local advertisers have dropped off big time, big national advertisers are propping up the once wildly lucrative paper. But it’s hard to feel sorry for their busted arses … they haven’t helped themselves with slipshod and heavily biased reporting, allowing themselves to be dictated to by the singular interests of the advertising department, and allowing themselves to be hijacked by narrow self-interested outside parties.

As said before, at some stage like Gina Rinehart’s undie elastic, something’s gotta give.

Meanwhile, Just North Of The Tweed …

It has become an unsurprising fact in this nation of gamblers that the bookies are the ones with the best record for predicting the outcome of events – including having the right odds on various outcomes during the week. … especially Talkbull and Bishop. They are consistently better than polls.

So it is interesting to note that in the bookies’ calculations, events in Canberra have settled the outcome of today’s Canning by-election in West Oz – the bag boys convinced of the outcome three days ago .

So much so, more than 48 hours before the polls were to open, they started paiding out on bets backing the Lib’s glamour boy Andrew Hastie.

But if the bookies tend to be closer to the mark gauging the mood of the electorate, The ‘Pie came across a couple of interesting ‘odds’ for we bananabenders. First, no doubt taking into account that Canberra has a lot of left-over cutlery available right now, these are the odds for those next in succession to Anna Alphabet.

Ultra leftie Jackie Trad has a reputation as a ruthless climber of the greasy pole.

There are even mutterings around George Street that she is already working feverishly behind the scenes to position herself when the opportunity arises in the volatile numbers game that is Queensland politics. Seems the bookies have heard that, too.

But it seems the bag boys aren’t contemplating having to pay out anytime soon on that one, because, in the best Aussie two-flies-on-the wall betting tradition, they have opened book on whether we’ll get a new LNP premier BEFORE the next election. Their verdict?

At least that’s likely to keep Tricky Trad’s treacherous blade in the scabbard for the time being.

And Is It Now Coralee O’Rort, MP?

For some reason, everyone – including the Daily Gullible aka the Townsville Bulletin … is hyperventilating – indeed flabbergasted – that newly minted Labor MP for Mundingburra Coralee O’Rouke was given pocket money to run her campaign after she took unpaid leave from her usual job of tucking in toddlers for their kindynaps. Opponents say she was ‘employed’ by the union in a ‘manufactured job’. Not surprising that the union involved is United Voice, one of the most unprincipled and vicious unions on the left spectrum, but really, let’s face it, the unions and the ALP have been joined at the hip since birth, so the only real sin would be lying about it … which so far she hasn’t apparently done, although it’s more than probable that United Voice has..

No,  the real concern is the growing rumblings that she is a completely dud minister, never on top of her admittedly overloaded portfolios, particularly the one about being the go-to pollie for NQ matters. Local complaints have now been joined by a state parliamentary committee, where she failed to impress with her almost total lack of knowledge about that particular portfolio. So forget about United Voice (or Utterly Vicious, take your choice), The O’Rorter is taking tens of thousands more money under false pretenses … i.e. her salary, pretending to represent both her constituents and NQ.

Is it possible she could ask to step down from at least one of her ministries, as a responsible member should? With United Voice calling the shots behind her, that’s about as impossible as Dolly Parton falling flat on her face.

But that’s what you get when you have a party that selects candidates on the basis of what’s between their legs, rather than what’s between their ears.

And Now, From The Country That Brought You The Pub With NO Beer

When it comes to the Nanny State, ya just gotta love the Theory of Unintended Consequences … and serves ‘em bloody right, too.

Apart from politics of no substance, Australia now presents you with restaurants with no FOOD, so ergo, a place where you can’t EAT. At least, that’s what it looks like, in this example of just one place (in Parramatta in this case) following a balmy new trend that outdoor dining areas become food-free zones in favour of smokers.

One café owner said smokers were 70 to 80 per cent of her business, so she wanted to make smokers feel welcome. “I’m not putting up a No Smoking sign out there, I’d rather put up a No Eating sign,’ she said.

But then, turning the intention of the busybody smoking laws completely on their head, the woman said if someone wanted to light up, THE DINER would be asked to move inside!

Something is haywire though, because smoking and drinking only would make it, umm, a pub? But no, just to make things more bewildering, pubs are now all about food as much as about booze.

This development is a well deserved finger to those who don’t trust the general population to behave like adults, or let businesses make their own decisions in matters like this.

Footnote: The ‘Pie is not a smoker, and footnote 2: do not equate this matter with the far more serious, pernicious and dangerous issue of booze regulation.

The Gor(e)y Details Part 2

The breakfast table of disgraced scammers Craig and Marina Gore will need a helluva a big box of Cheerios to lighten the glum mood these mornings.

As if they could give a stuff, from their new abode in Phoenix, Arizona, (see last week’s Nest) but on Friday, the Queensland Court of Appeal – God bless ‘em – has dismissed an application from Marina Gore to set aside a previous judgment to the tune of around $80,000 in fav our the tax wallopers. The ATO brought the action when they refused to believe Mrs Gore’s the-dog-ate-my-homework excuse that she never received posted demands for her considerable oversights. Translating the tippy toe legal language for you, the initial judge and the appeals justice said – in so many words –  Mrs Gore was basically lying. Well, whoda thought?! This all happened when she was a directors of hubby Craig’s little scam engine MOGS Pty Ltd. This is the full judgment, but good luck to the ATO (and us as taxpayers).

Ah, So That’s It!

Another reason to love the new(ish) Pope. The ‘Pie came across this little yard the other day.

But there was no pic of the ‘favourite translator’ but no worry, The ‘Pie thinks he’s dug up the goods.

At least they’ll get it in Ingham … Hi, Mr C.

Oh all right- Translation: ‘Speak to me, my sweet puppies.’