Journalistic pack rape: how the Townsville Bulletin reported on the TCC Conflict of Interest issue – and what the paper didn’t tell you.

Also, Canberra’s representative in Townsville, Ewen Dumbo Jumbo Jones starts a fad that could go viral – you can join in …

And The ‘Pie discovers an obscure word that is ideal for this age of obscurity in language, and that also takes us to Canberra.

First, have the coalition and the opposition decided on a bi-partisan approach to fixing up the good ship economy?

PM Wingnut tells us he will be removing a ‘couple of barnacles’ from the budget to get the good ship underway at full clip again. And he made the fond gesture of bestowing a nickname from the much-loved Aussie kids’ classic The Magic Pudding on the Short ‘Un across the chamber, when he dubbed him ‘Barnacle Bill’. Bentley reckons he can see where the PM is going with this.

Still down at Foggy Bottom, it was heartening to see Malcolm Turnbull’s conjuring trick of turning himself into a goose …

and then back into an honest man,

… thus avoiding one of the most difficult questions of his career. That question would’ve been – but for his timely recantation and re-engagement with reality – if ‘no cuts’ doesn’t actually mean ‘no cuts’, does that mean that when a woman says ‘no’, she doesn’t really mean ‘no’? Mr Talkbull joining the ranks of the rebarbative hillbillies who parse a woman’s refusal (of anything) in this way was alarming to say the least.

His risible ‘no cuts actually meant real cuts’ performance a week or so back on the ABC’s 7.30 put The ‘Pie in mind of Kevin Spacey’s character in House of Cards, Senator Frank Underwood …

…who was accused of lying. He smoothly came back with the classic  ‘I did not lie, I merely revised the parameters of my promise.’

George Orwell first identified unintelligible gobbledegook and parodied it in his essay ‘Politics and the English Language’, and then more famously in his seminal novel ‘1984’ as ‘newspeak’.

So the one word that should be dragged from obscurity and employed to highlight this ‘emperor’s new clothes’ white-is-black school of pollie-speak is ‘logocidal’. That remarkable word warrior Michael Quinion points out that it belongs in the Greek grouping of suicidal and genocidal, and ‘refers to the destruction or perversion of meaning, something deadly to reason and communication’. Killing language, in other words. (Don’t be impatient, we’ll get to the Townsville Bulletin shortly).

So remember it – logocidal; as a Guardian reporter recently wrote ‘…to listen to the message from any side these days is to wonder if they focus-grouped it in a head trauma unit’.

The mention of head-trauma brings us to – inevitably – Ewen Dumbo Jumbo Jones, who has his own interesting wrassles with language and all the usual concepts associated with it (including loyalty) .

Dumbo is fluent is the dialects of ‘dumb’, ‘dopey’ , ‘come again?’ and ‘WTF’. Recently, he has shown a flair for the pidgin tongues of ‘betrayal’ and ‘disloyalty’.

Proving again he is Canberra’s brown-nosing representative in Townsville, he turned a recent CBD rally about pay cuts for ADF forces – a big issue deserving of thoughtful utterances here in his garrison city seat – into a swipe at Labor, which came across – and was – basically ‘f..k the diggers and their pay, it’s all an ALP plot’. The plot is something Mr Jones should desperately seek, clearly having lost his own some time ago.

But Dumbo and Talkbull, could now be at the center of a new fad that could be about to go viral. Forget high-fiving (or high-sevening as it is known in Jacqui’s Tasmania) and all that ‘yo bro’ low rent American tosh. The new greeting is ‘yo, Jonesy – WTF’! and is accompanied by the SF greeting – as in Smack Forehead. This has grown from the immediate reaction when Dumbo opens his gob to fleck his electorate with spittled words of wrong-headed self-interest. The new fad even has its own logo ….

… and an international following.

There are males …

… there are females …

… youngsters …

… and oldsters …

… across all continents, like France …

… and even it has them baffled on the Starship Enterprise …

… and family cat can’t believe it …

So next time you see him, lightly smack your forehead – yours, not his, no matter how great the temptation – and warble ‘Yo, jonesy, what the F..k’. He will no doubt laugh merrily and join in – because he really is that thick.

Moving on, allow The ‘Pie to flit back to his former life, and congratulate his friend Michael Cowen, head of the local DPP office, on attaining ‘silk’ i.e. awarded the title Queens Counsel by his peers for long and consistent work of the highest caliber.

It is the pinnacle of a barristers achievements, and can be a vital stepping stone to the bench. The strange thing is that a QC title is of little use in the DPP, because the accolade is universally used – indeed it’s only use and designed for it – to charge, dare The ‘Pie say it, almost criminally exorbitant fees for their services. At the DPP, you’re basically a public servant on fixed (but generally handsome) pay rates. So will Mike be heading off to more lucrative fields? Probably.

But if he is, he may not want to show the following to any prospective client. it is the bad timing award of the year.

The successful nomination for QC was announced in a week that Mr Cowen overlooked the basic lore of the law for barristers – that is, never ask a question to which you do not already know the answer. It can have the most unfortunate outcome for those who go against this wisdom, and so it did for Michael.

On Monday, Prosecutor Cowen rose in the Supreme Court and told a jury of the alleged dastardly deeds of a chap who was seen bashing another bloke four days before he died of injuries. The defendant was charged with murder. Mr Cowen told the jury inter alia that they would be ‘hearing from some interesting characters’.

And indeed they did, but not in the manner Mr Cowen envisaged. Prior to the trial, Michael had apparently failed to talk with a regular expert witness, the highly respected pathologist Professor David Williams. So when the professor took the stand, he immediately gave clear evidence that the dead man’s fatal injuries were inflicted well after his fight with the defendant. There being no evidence of a second confrontation and physical set-to with the accused, Justice North directed the jury to return a not guilty verdict. So a blue about a blue left our newly minted QC with a red face.

The case had involved extradition from NSW and lots of to-ing and fro-ing, so the DPP’s cost kitty will have been somewhat depleted by this misadventure.

Rotten timing for some rain on your party, Mike, but The Magpie really does believe you thoroughly deserve the accolade and honour for all those considerable triumphs over the years. And The ‘Pie thanks you for your courteous and friendly assistance when the old bird infested the court environs.

The Magpie hopes that all that is seen as being reported in friendly banter about fate’s awkward timing.

But the following isn’t funny, and the undertones have serious implications for Townsville and the malign influences of the unelected power brokers who would rule us by fiat.

DECLARATION: for those who may contemplate some mischievous legal skullduggery, The Magpie does not, in any way, shape or form, or by suggestion or innuendo, imply or infer that any of those named in the poetically dubbed ‘journalistic rape pack'; have committed any actual sexual misdemeanours or crimes. The Magpie has no such knowledge, and no such inference should be taken. Probably because on the following evidence, those named wouldn’t have enough balls between them to do any damage, anyway.

The Townsville Bulletin’s show-trial coverage of the Townsville Council’s conflict of interest molehill was an out-and-out exercise in sneer and smear. The sins of this foray into unjust character assassination and smear are multifold, and The ‘Pie will not let this hubristic, self-interested mob of charlatans at the Bulletin get away with it.

It was a classic and very obvious case of groupthink, an exercise as crude as it was obvious.

Let’s write it in classic Bulletin style – maybe in the manner Sam The Milkmaid Healy uses for her interesting but overblown crime yarns.

‘The gang had impatiently lain in wait, plotting and planning, sorting out tactics and strategies, knowing their big chance was inevitably coming. The victims would be coshed, their unresisting bodies to be dragged down a dark alley, fetid with the stench of innuendo and half truths, to have their hard won reputations sullied time and again by this ruthless, remorseless group in the army commanded by the shady figure known only as Big Nose. There was no room for pity.

And then, last Monday, the moment was upon them. You could almost hear the self-congratulatory cackling when a triumphant note went up on the Bulletin’s website that the judgment in the councillors’ conflict of interest investigation was in, fines involved and ‘more tomorrow’.

On the Tuesday, we were treated to this comic-book photo-shopped front page in News Corpse best undergraduate tradition.

Then, one after the other, Anthony ‘Simpo’ Templeton, Anthony ‘The Galoot’ Galloway, Iditor Lachlan ‘Pinocchio’ Heywood and sadly it seems, also Tony Raggatt, unzipped themselves and flashed out their throbbing pens, each glistening with a fine sheen of vitriol, as they all lined up for their turn at ravaging their victims over several days of prolonged innuendo, down-playing of key facts, and selective quoting.

Put simply, it was massive overkill to promote the Townsville Bulletin’s perennial bias against the Townsville First grouping of TCC councillors.

Regrettably, those councillors did hand it on a plate to their persistent and vociferous critics by allowing themselves to be tripped up on a technicality, a technicality on which, as they say in court, nothing turned. That it was right down the lower end of the scale for this sort offending (in a phrase, it was an understandable oversight) was obvious by the size of the relatively wrist-slap fines handed down by a confusing review board ruling … for actual corruption, councillors can be fined up to $100,000, be dismissed and in most circumstances, face criminal charges.

But here, it was obvious there was no corruption, no brown paper bags full of illicit cash, no shady deals in smokey back rooms, no promises of lucrative directorships once you’d left office. Not that you’d know that from the reportage. But that wasn’t going to stop the paper hell bent on a sensationalised story, nailing their sworn enemy … the democratically elected majority of the TCC.

Here’s how it went down, and allow The ‘Pie to fill in a few gaps that you sure weren’t going to get from the Bulletin hit squad. You may remember they ran speculation and nudge-nudge, wink-wink stuff on this issue for a couple of weeks after the meeting in question, even showing a complete lack of irony with one of the headlines at the time declaring ‘Loss Of Trust A Danger’. You said it, folks.

On April 15, the Governance and Finance Committee met to rubber stamp a list of approved suppliers for things like spark plugs, oil and other sundries, nothing of any great value. The committee members waded through a list with some 78 names, identifying those that donated to the Townsville First election campaign. Within minutes of the meeting being closed, the TF councillors realized their oversight in missing three names, and Clr Jenny Lane asked CEO Ray Burton if they could put things to rights immediately. Mr Burton said that was not possible under the rules, and noted the breach. In a subsequent council meeting, the TF councillors admitted their breach, and apologized, but for reasons not known, the minutes of that meeting, taken by a council staffer, did not record that apology, although it is not disputed that such an apology was made.

It is believed that it was at this meeting or possibly an earlier one that the Townsville Ratepayers Association co-founder and publicity hound Paul Jacob noted the issue, and had his Association fire in a complaint, which was duly passed on to the authorities by the CEO.

COMMENT 1: In a pompous and presumptuous bit of condescension, Simpo Templeton ended an opinion column on the matter with, first this: ‘It will be interesting to see if the Townsville First councilors make the public apology at today’s full council meeting.’ A deft touch of smarmy smear because there was never any question that the apology would not be made that day. But so deep is the understandable distrust among TF councillors with the mayor’s faithful stenographer i.e. Simpo Templeton, that he probably couldn’t get anyone to take his call (they usually don’t). But if that wasn’t snide enough, Simpo romped away with the Janus Two-Faced BUMM Award with this hubristic little humdinger to close: ‘It’s always best to come clean with mistakes, sooner rather than later – along with a promise to do better in the future’. You pompous little upstart! Putting aside the over-weaning arrogance of such a bromide, and that it came from a risible pipsqueak is incidental – that it is written in the Townsville Bulletin is breathtaking in its gall.

‘Come clean with mistakes’?!? Hmmm, let’s see now … like coming clean after the Bulletin sacked a third of your own workforce and then banned any reporting of the fact in the paper, allowing massive social disruption and anguish within the community to go unmentioned ? Or exposing staff directly to asbestos dust, taking inadequate precautions during a subsequent clean-up, offering no counsel or assistance, knowing any likely fatal repercussion would be more than a decade away, or making any admission over the matter, and again forbidding any reporting of it. All this when at the very time ballyhooing other minor asbestos breaches by others out in the general community? And what about the paper coming clean on just who used News Ltd computers to send truly toxic hate mail to a cancer sufferer, who also just happened to be a vocal critic of the paper – yes, that would be me, folks. Despite providing proof that the disgusting emails were sent by a Townsville Bulletin  staffer, with the publication of such data abruptly ending the abuse, The ‘Pie has not heard from the paper with an apology (ha!), explanation or any disciplinary action against the clearly identifiable perpetrator. So much for all the twaddle about being outraged by hate mail. Coming clean with mistakes sooner rather than later, you jumped-up little twerp? … no wonder you such a figure of fun around this town, Simpo.

Back to the chase.

Once the matter was under investigation, the affected councillors sought the counsel of the council’s legal staff. That advice was say nothing, and all adhere to a statement drafted by the council’s legal office. All councillors were told they should say exactly what the statement said, no more and no less.

That statement read ‘ I have made disclosure of relevant relationships at an early stage, that I have at all times sought to assist the investigation, and that I have been entirely open about the matters under review. Accordingly, I have nothing further to add at this time. If the panel has any questions it wants to ask me, then I will of course be happy to answer to the best of my ability.’

This they did, in the belief that this was the correct legal way to handle the matter. But now, the affected councillors are angry and questioning the appropriateness of that legal advice, and the statement itself. BECAUSE they now believe the panel drew the conclusion of some sort of collusion because THEY ALL SAID THE SAME THING. And that counted against them.

So the orgiastic reporting began, featuring cherry-picked quotes from the judgment, particularly ‘…at worst, it amounts to deliberate corruption’. It clearly didn’t, as the subsequent findings confirmed and the relatively wrist-slap fines evidence.

But this sort of balance doesn’t suit this partisan paper and its political agenda on the Townsville scene.

Adding an extra dollop of indecency to the effort, the Bulletin got its tits almost caught in the wringer when the best financial news story of the year popped up – the second successive surplus budget of the council in he past 14 years (only achieved by TF knocking on the head disastrous populist promises of the mayor), and another $33 million off the debt. But this was mentioned only in passing, incorporated into a story about a reportable but minor issue the paper said ‘overshadowed’ the good news. Yes, the excellent news for ratepayers DID NOT even merit its own separate story.That judgment sums up where you and your paper stand in this community, Mr Heywood. Just keep reading the circulation numbers and wonder what the hell has happened.

Then there was the ill-conceived inclusion of junior columnist Anthony Galloway chiming in with one of the most unfunny, completely unreasoned, contradictory and juvenile pieces he has written for a while. Anthony, you galoot, your apprenticeship continues, so here’s a tip … a glancing sarcastic reference is a legitimate tool for a columnist (ask Taggers), but a whole column of puerile sarcasm, which is based on a totally incorrect premise to boot – all involved councillors forthrightly apologised – never has and never will work. Lowest form of wit and all that. You have to be smarter and older than you are to even attempt that idea, and because you’d be smarter and older, you’d realise the folly of such an attempt, anyway. Take it from someone who knows from bitter experience, sport, nothing fails like unfunny. Believe The ‘Pie on this.

So on Wednesday, (it was clear this matter was going to be milked within an inch of its usable life) it was Iditor Pinocchio Heywood’s turn, but he made an abortive attempt to be subtle (ha!) by eschewing any direct reference to the issue, and instead penned a saccharine, dog-whistling paean of general praise of his reporters, who need ‘courage’ while they ‘cop plenty of flak’. He even has the temerity (talk about bloody unmitigated cheek) to invoke the name Peter Greste (the Al Jazzera journalist imprisoned unjustly in Egypt) and – for God’s fuckin’ sake – compare his fate with the work of the ’55 journalists who work for the Bulletin. Because – wait for it,  his reporters know ‘there are repercussions for taking on authority … including intimidation’.

The ‘Pie will perhaps forward a copy to Mr Greste so he knows there are kindred spirits in north Queensland under the pump just like him.  There was more of this cringe-worthy twaddle that the ‘Pie cannot bring himself to repeat.

You are a shameless knobthrottler, Mr Heywood! Public onanism is not a good look, mate.

But having done the job on his victims, the gloating continued in Thursday’s iditorial, honking on about the humiliation, embarrassment and ‘shaming’ of the councillors. Then what does this Zeus-like zealot do? This boastful leader of the local journalistic rape pack zips up, finally puts away his sated, flaccid pen, and saunters jauntily away from it all, with the ‘who me?’ understatement of the year ‘The punishment has been dealt. Time to get on with the important business of running council’. (And that would be ‘dealt out‘.)

Pinocchio, the council has been running successfully despite the best white-anting efforts of you and Typo Gleeson before you, ever since they took office, and they will continue to do so, despite your partisan politics in a community in which you have no real stake. Even Mayor Mullet is starting to see the light and take some pride in the position she holds by cooperating with the democratically elected majority.  All this begs the question, just who is pulling your strings – after all, Pinocchio was a marionette.