So the cupboard is as bare as this –The Magpie examines a dismal, dispiriting week at the Astonisher.
On the federal scene, from Malcolm Turnbull to Malcolm Talkbull … he’s now looking good only by comparison … to both Abbott and Shorten.
We pay tribute to the pint-sized giant of comedy Ronnie Corbett, who died this week … also, trendy tradies out of the closet – work site fashions you won’t believe …. And the gun-nuts in the US have come up with the scariest weapon yet – even although it fires only two rounds!
But First …
The media has long succumbed to what is loosely known as the ‘silly season’, periods like Christmas holidays or just natural lulls making real news scarce, so bogus ‘silly’ stories have to be invented.
It seems the Townsville Astonisher has decided the silly season runs from January to December. After this week’s lame and disheartening Year 6 front page japery, Bentley certainly thinks so
Newly-minted Astonisher iditor Ben ‘Bogan’ English apparently thinks we in the ‘Ville are a mob of sniggering, wind-breaking, crotch-scratching imbeciles preoccupied with whinging about the wicked SE corner, clamoring for a new breakaway state of North Queensland, yearning for JT to enter politics and eager to talk to a cardboard cut-out of the villain du jour Fatso Palmer.
That was the week that was for the Astonisher, in an open declaration that our paper is now to be a clone of that bogan’s bugle, the Sydney Daily Telegraph. Completely devoid of any other subjects that he believed could merit serious front page treatment, iditor Ben ‘Bogan’ English cames up with this classic Sydney Daily Telegraph-style of intelligence insult on Monday.
One wonders how JT likes being made to look a right dick on the front page of the paper. And they’re mayoral robes, premiers have no ceremonial dress just medallions on neck chains. But hey, you know, what the hell …
But before those few of us who still read the Astonisher (the things The ‘Pie does for his readers) could get over this prize bit of misguided fuckwittery, on Wednesday (March 30, not April Fool’s Day), it seemed the iditor was definitely off his medications, with this effort of getting people to talk to a cardboard cut-out of Palmer.
But not just on the front, but a double page spread of wasted newsprint on pages 4 and 5.
As one despondent commenter to the Magpie blog succinctly wrote in on the day ‘ Words fail me.’
The idea was that since Palmer had not bent to the mighty will of the Townsville Bulletin and appear here to face hostile questioning, they would bring Palmer to the people. A journalist was ordered to take a cardboard cut-out of Clive Palmer around town, and get people to tell it what they thought of him, and ask him some none-too-polite questions.
This was made to look all the more stupid when Palmer actually did show up a day or so later, creating a genuine story that people would want to read.
Kattertonic State
But the crowning idiocy has been jumping on the New State bandwagon. This creaky conveyance has been in the garage for the past few years, but Bogan decided to pump up the tyres with a lot of hot air from some canny state politicians from this neck of the woods. But did we get any straight reporting, backgrounding an obvious parliamentary tactic? Don’t be silly.
(‘Excuse me, Mr Bogan, but Mr Magpie mentions something called ‘straight reporting’. What’s that?’ ’Never you mind, young fella … not if you want a career at news Corpse. And don’t let me catch you reading that crap in this office.’)
Colin Dwyer
The paper’s economic pet poodle, Colin ’One Note’ Dwyer, again trotted out his now somewhat tedious and tendentious mantra about the economic benefits of a separate state. He then tries to justify what by any measure is a hopeless proposition with this little bit of … well, at best, wishful thinking. “The real problem would be for southeast Queensland, which could actually be slightly worse off. That’s one reason why, in a referendum, the south shouldn’t be involved in the vote.”
Whaaat? That would be a stunning disenfranchisement of a majority of state voters that even Lewis Carroll’s Alice would be hard put to make even remotely possible … or amusing. It’s like Pallarenda residents deciding they want to split from Townsville and have their own council if a majority pass such a plebiscite … and then only allowing Pallarenda residents to vote.
Mr Dwyer’s maths are, as usual, generally correct but highly selective and philosophically shaky when he strays into politics and government mechanisms – Col, mate, your chosen road to the future is flooded – so forget it.
Alright Smartarse, What Would You Have Done
‘Aww, just a bit of fun, you old sourpuss, what would you have put on the front?, you whinge.
Well since you ask, an expansion of Tony Raggatt’s sober dissection of what is wrong with the allocation of monies to the north. Sober doesn’t mean dull, either – the column headline … A Crumby System Of Slicing Up The Pie would draw readers in, even if they mistook it that the paper was finally coming after this old bird with evil in its heart. He remains unsliced for the moment.
NB Raggers penultimate line in that column viz
‘We need regional decision-making, dare I say it, a North Queensland State, but that’s not going to happen’.
Quite so – all the rest if horsefeathers.
Choices
To be informed about complex matters such as this, if the choice is an editorial from Ben Bogan, a fluffy puff piece by Colin O’Dwyer or a Tony Raggatt article, The Magpie know who’ll he’ll be reading.
Better still, you could do worse than have a look at this Lateline discussion last night, where Robbie Katter again showed that he is the Keeper of the Katter Family Marbles. The item starts at 6.41.
Premiers 1 PM 0
Malcolm Talkbull had it really socked to him when he suggested that the states take over certain tax-collecting efforts to fund their pet projects, mainly hospitals. Paul Zanetti put it neatly.
And Zanetti also had a worrying situationer for the PM heading into an election.
CFMEU/AWU Fashion Week?
We’ve always known since settlement that there is a major cultural and class divide between urban and regional communities … the Big Smoke and what Typo Gleeson patronisingly calls ‘our country cousins’.
In this day and age of centralisation, the lines are becoming not so much blurred as totally confused. The Magpie actually did laugh out loud when this tumbled out of the weekend paper recently.
These tough, grizzled sons of labor sure look like ardent members of the CFMEU, ready to shake down the boss if a new Nespresso machine isn’t installed on site pronto.
All these blokes seem to be deep in contemplation of reaching an – ahem – major lifestyle decision, with the bloke in the backpack making it clear who’s the giver and taker to the startled looking laddie in the black T-shirt. The bloke in the grey T-shirt is wondering if Julian has forgiven him for flirting with Tarquin at the rave on the weekend, and hopes he’ll be in the bar tonight for some make-ups. The other sulking bloke is Tarquin.
Fair dinkum, one can easily imagine the reception if any if this shower turned up on a construction site anywhere outside the dazzling sophistication of urban Australia. There’d be a few blokes, most sporting tatts declaring they love their Mum or Krystal or Shivorn or some other lass whose parents couldn’t spell, to take them aside to explain that the first mention of the relative merits of latte v ristretto may well result in a nasty workplace accident involving bolt cutters.
No doubt the photographer for this ad was a bloke of a certain age named Throsland who lives in Paddington or Newtown in Sydney, and whose most recent and closest encounter with a construction worker was at a Village People concert in the 80s. Have a bonus nostalgia trip to the YMCA.
A Camera That Shoots People – Literally
Trust the jumpy Yanks to come up with this one … a two-shot pistol that folds up to look like a mobile phone/camera. It allows owners to hide their weapon in plain sight, hooked on a belt or popped into a pocket.
Just love that marketing line ‘trouble-free operation’ … might be accurate up to a point – until the cops start asking questions.
Yet a new worry from modern technology.
The Comedic Commentary Of Denis Commetti
Those who watch AFL are well familiar with this bloke – or at least his voice – one Dennis Cometti, long the king of commentators of Aussie Rules. As a long career comes to a close, it has been noted that Cometti has never been one for boring slabs of words during lulls in the action. He has always had a beautiful comic touch, so much so, that a book of his more memorable commentary jests is due out later this year.
The ‘Pie particularly liked his reason for being impressed with Collingwood President Eddie McGuire’s style; just before an interview, Eddie asked an assistant if he’d seen the letter opener, to be told ‘It’s his day off’.
The Guardian toted up some the best of Cometti. Have a good laugh.
Exit Left Of Stage (To Laughter)
Then there were none.
Ronnie Corbett
Leaving us in a more permanent manner this week was that mighty mouse of the music hall gag, Ronnie Corbett, who died this week. He was 85.
Ronnie continued to soldier on, making us all double up with hopeless laughter even after the ‘other’ Ronnie (Barker) died 10 years ago. Just about every generation had a soft spot for Corbett’s verbal gymnastics and his legendary timing. Here is a well known sketch that is always worth another viewing, especially to those of us who are, like that photographer Throsland, ‘of a certain age’.
More Gore(y) Details
Seems The ‘Pie was on the money (thanks to Gold Coast chum Tom) about arch-grub Craig Gore still trying for long-range control of the Hinchinbrook Resort. Gore is in self-imposed exile n the US, fearing free bed and board courtesy of the Australian Government if he shows his face in this country again. But he apparently still has a beady eye on the Cardwell resort. The impeccably informed Anthony Marks, who runs a regular tattle column about business in the Courier Mail, did the detective work to come up with this situationer.
Finally …
The ‘pie’s grandson turned 10 recently, and his grandpa, much to his mother’s consternation, decided, bugger the birds and bees, let’s get right to the heart of the matter that 10 year old want to know about. So a pop-up book seemed the ideal way to go –
The ‘How To They Get In There’ page was a far more interesting. The ‘Pie’s daughter hasn’t called him in a few weeks.
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