Hush Townsville, listen now, does something weevil this way come? Are we in for another News Corpse infestation?

The Astonisher gets a new editor, but the choice raises some major ponderables. The Magpie cogitates.

And exactly the same anxieties are now shared by those who love our ABC …

The Astonisher’s hilarious re-write of history in the ‘Ville …

…and is The ‘Pie in line for Townville Citizen Australia Day Awards … he offers evidence that he could be in for a gong or two.

But first.

Resident ‘toonist Bentley reckons Santa will be busier than a one armed poker player with hives during this season when someone wants what everyone else wants. Even he knows someone is going to miss out.

MESSAGE TO YOU ALL FROM BENTLEY:

‘I’m taking a couple of weeks off, folks, and will be back in the Nest in early January. Many thanks for your support and kind comments during the year, hope you have a wonderful Christmas and a great 2016. You too, ‘Pie.

Cheers

Bentley.

And in turn, The ‘Pie thanks his mate for his invaluable and hilarious contributions to keeping the bastards honest in 2015.

Open Sesame Street.

This has got to be one of the ‘gotcha’s of the year.

A poll by Public Policy Polling in the United States during the week asked American Republicans their attitudes on certain aspects of the war on terror and suitable action in the Middle East. They asked whether respondents supported the bombing of Agrabah. 30% of those polled said, yes, they supported the bombing of Agrabah ‘blow the shit out of them bastards’.

Turns out the pollsters are also pranksters with a purpose.

Agrabah is the mythical land of Aladdin.

Pinocchio Pisses Off But The Patronisation Persists

So Lachlan Heywood leaves the sinking ship (no, he’s not a rat, he had little choice in the matter) but why wouldn’t he? As The ‘Pie predicted weeks ago, he was the pea for the vacant editorial chair at the Courier Mail.

Here’s a brief explanation of this latest round of musical chairs at News. Long serving Chris Mitchell resigns as boss of the Australian, and his place is taken by Daily Telegraph editor Paul ‘Boris’ Whitaker. Chris Dore leaves the Courier Mail for the big smoke, slotting into Whittaker’s spot. That left the Courier Mail rudderless, and despite the silly money saying Peter Typo Gleeson was almost certain to get the job (ha!) it went, as The ‘Pie predicted some weeks ago, to Roop’s BFF in NY, Pinocchio Heywood.

And good luck to a bloke that The ‘Pie understands is personally a nice guy but was a continuing disaster for the Townsville Bulletin because of the unbreakable directives from Holt Street in Sydney. It’s been fun, Lachy … at least for The ‘Pie anyway.

But Alarm Bells Are Ringing

So, meet the new kid on the block., Ben English, the editor of the paper which is ‘all for the North’ – except when it comes to selecting a local editor who knows the community and its history. Strange that. Bad luck Ray, Tony.

Now, Mr English has an impressive track record with News Ltd (he’s worked for no one else, which is a problem in itself for us), which would suggest we should not be ungrateful that he is about to walk among us. Mr English previously worked as national Olympics editor, a foreign correspondent in London as well as chief-of staff, business editor and sports editor of The Daily Telegraph, before being tapped for the Telegraph’s Deputy Editorship. He was also the actual editor every Monday.

Very impressive, give the bloke a go, he’s not even here yet, so what’s the problem you whingeing old bugger, I hear you cry.

Just this: it’s too impressive.

A brief bit of history. When Mick Carroll, the best editor the Bulletin has had in the last couple of decades, left, it was because he was PROMOTED to exactly the position – deputy editor of Daily Telegraph that English is relinquishing to come to the ‘Ville. That’s an interesting reverse to say the least.  (Mick is now a much respected editor of the Sunday Telegraph.) It’s odds-on that English has been ordered north not to prove himself – he seems to have already done that in News Ltd terms – but for one of two – or possibly both – these reasons.

Has he somehow blotted his copybook ( in News, that can happen just by being in the way of the advancement of a better placed rival)? There may have been may have been some indiscretion at executive level in the turbulent tabloid world of Holt Street, who knows? But if you’re a fast tracker (really, this what they call them) with his record, Townsville is a definite step backwards. Almost a poisoned chalice.

Which brings us to reason two. Is he coming here with some unpalatable task to perform, take the heat and the opprobrium of the community (if they can even be bothered anymore) and then slip out of town again?

Fanciful, you think? Ignore history and it’s bound to be repeated.

The last time we had this scenario, we were lumbered with the execrable Michael The Ogre of Ogden Street Wilkins, who was well out of favour in Holt Street for reasons that The ‘Pie only knows snatches of.

Wilkins was sent north to back up the hopeless Peter Typo Gleeson who was completely out of his depth in his first gig as editor, hopeless as a leader and dividing the newsroom almost from the moment he arrived.

So what did we get from Wilkins? Morale into the basement with the callous sacking of more than 70 people, about a third of North Queensland Newspapers, often done in an seemingly off-hand manner – like the staffer in Ayr who had been with the company for 39 years and 9 months – he wasn’t allowed to even work the extra three months to tick up a personally satisfying milestone of 40 years.

The Bulletin was forbidden to report any of this, although it isn’t hard to imagine what hysteria it would create in the paper if another company did something similar. This was chief among several reasons that I resigned from the paper, declining a change of position and a continuation of The Magpie.

So what might Mr English have in store for us.

Possibly two things. Under the direction of business boss at North Queensland Newspapers (NQN), Lewis Ramsey – the real shot-caller in Flinders Street West – the paper could follow the lead of many interstate and overseas papers and go to a three-day-a-week publication. Tuesday would go, that’s traditionally the worst circulation day of the week everywhere.

And they may link to this initiative an attempt at a paywall, although paywalls elsewhere are being abandoned (ironically, Murdoch’s Sun in London leading this growing backflip.)

But there could be one bright note in all this. Mr English says on social media that he has a growing interest in the digital side of the business. More attention to that would be nice, sir, but good luck with the – errr – tools you’ve been given in that area.

For Similar Reasons, The ABC Should Be On The Watch For A Marauding Murdoch

Businesswoman Michelle Guthrie has pipped a stellar field in the race to replace Mark Scott as ABC Managing Director. Her credentials are impeccable but a certain Peter Matters isn’t comfortable with the choice, and he told Crikey why.

To those who know her, Michelle Guthrie is generally praised for her intelligence and general pizzazz, I would add my pleasure that a) she is a woman, b) there is no description of her personal affairs as is normal for males but rare for women.

However, I have my doubts about the fact that she has worked for so many years not only for a man who must be described on the basis of his actions as a demagogue, but is also known for his obsessive animosity towards the ABC.

Here’s A Silly Thing To Do In A Town Full Of War Buffs

A Magpie mate currently in the Middle East sent this article the other day, explaining he just received an August edition of the Bulletin (he must have the same paperboy as North Ward).

On reading the caption – ‘A soldier stands guard over the burning wreck of an aircraft in the aftermath of an air raid on Townsville in 1942′ – The ‘Pie immediately saw what he was on about, having researched and written 100 radio episodes of life in Townsville leading up VP Day. The story is accurate enough, but the picture is lazy bullshit … and a damn silly thing to think you can get away with. Just for starters, those who know nthese things point out it is not a Japanese aircraft, which they never flew.

In short, the only bombs anywhere near Townsville from Japanese aircraft fell out to sea, in bushland well behind the city and one in Oonoomba, which mercilessly cut down it’s hapless victim … a coconut palm. No Japanese aircraft were shot down, although one was damaged in a skirmish but is believed to have returned safely to Rabaul. The Middle East mate supplies the real caption from the War Memorial authorities in Canberra (check the bottom line).

Simply dumb … and deliberate. They wonder why no one believes them.

But For All That, News Corpse Really Does Love The ‘Pie Really, Fair Dinkum

Recently, The ‘Pie decided to accept an online pollster’s offer to let News Corpse know what it it thought of various matters to do with the Daily Astonisher. Many of the multiple-answer questions were about the acceptability of a paywall.

The ‘Pie had his merry way with them, being uncomplimentary (and honest), and thought no more about it.

It can’t be hard to imagine the double take from the old bird when this lobbed into his in-box during the week.

Seems the centralized pollsters didn’t know or care who sent in a less than flattering reply to their poll. But when you read the completely confusing detail of how you can spent Roop’s $25, I gave up and sent it to the Piette in Sydney to see if she could use it. She may have stopped laughing by now, but she did suggest they probably had only 20 gift cards to give away and only got 19 replies… cynical? Well. she is her father’s daughter. But thanks, Roop.

An Example Of FOTFLMFAO (You’ll Work It Out Grumps – the first bit is Fall on the floor laughing etc)

Here’s a perfect example of The ‘Pie family’s reaction to Roop’s generosity. See how this chimp reacted when shown a simple magic trick.

Other Monkey Business

In an avian mixed-metaphor, The Magpie is hoping to break his duck in the New Year – and maybe you can help.

The old bird noted that you have until January 8 to get your nominations in for the Townsville City Council’s 2016 Australia Day Awards. Now The ‘Pie expects little from these sorts of awards (he’s a humble Pie you see), but running through the categories, he thought ‘Crumbs, I’m eligible for just about all of these … and I can think of a few other deserving noms, as well!’

So here is The ‘Pie’s take some of the categories, where nominees have ‘inspired us through their accomplishments in service to the community, culture and sports in Townsville’.

Citizen of the Year

This is where you come in, folks, since modesty prevents The ‘Pie himself … well, you understand

Community Event of the Year

They are still talking in awed tones of – and cleaning up after – The ‘Pie’s August knees-up with his commenting crew at Watermark. Several couples have now been reunited, with the others waiting to get out of rehab – or Stuart.

Spirit of Townsville Award

A no brainer … it’s gotta be The ‘Pie again …he has consistently displayed the very essence of the community here, with his constant whingeing about something – indeed, anything, the Astonisher, TEL, Leigh Sales wearing a high-neck dress  – his sense of entitlement (e.g seeking donations for this weekly load of tripe) and persistently being critical of that magnificent organ he holds in hands each day (that’s the Astonisher, you grubs!) A shoo-in, surely.

Sports Administrator Award

This one’s gotta be The ‘Pie by a country mile, for his masterful organizing of the Townsville City Movers and Shakers Games. The field was restricted to our elected officials, selected journalists and prominent ‘shapers of our opinion’ (said shaping for which we dumbos are eternally grateful).

And what a festival of closely contested fun it was, with special events like ‘catching the javelin’, and ‘heading the shot’.

And a Magpie fav, ‘extreme shooting’, in which contestants take aim at their own lower extremity and try to score a bullseye – Mayor Mullet easily took out this one for her perfect aim at her foot when taking a potshot at council CEO Ray Burton by blubbing to authorities, boo-hooing that he had withheld information from her. (The authoritiestold her to f..k off.)

In fact, Mayor Mullet had mixed results in the Games … she was also a pre-start favourite in the three-legged race, with Pinocchio Heywood (they’ve practiced being in lock-step for more than a year), but she turned up 20 minutes late for the start and was disqualified. But Lachlan got the consolation of taking out the Hanky-Wringers Hypocritical Handicap for his inventive mathematics on readership figures and editorials decrying companies who sack staff.

The ‘shit paintball’ teams event is memorable for the tie between the Mayor’s Marauders and the Astonisher Ars … err, Artesians. Both agreed it was a historic year-long event, summed in up in a joint acceptance speech – ‘Shit everywhere, yay, go shit!!!’

Senior Sports Person of the Year

The ‘Pie would like to nominate the ageing but obliging gal he met in Poseurs’ in July … Beryl was without a doubt the best sport he has met, probably ever. However, The ‘Pie will have to check if she wants the publicity … the other elders may take a dim view of matters.

NB The investigation is continuing into a controversial incident in the javelin event, when Deputy Doo Dah Vern Veitch was walking back to his catching mark when he copped an unexpected javelin straight between the shoulder blades. Officials are still trying to work out whether it was thrown by Vern’s former team mate Tony Parsons, or by Trevor Roberts; both are coached by Jayne Arlett.)

Merry Christmas to you all – yes, even you . The ‘Pie will plough on through the break, but it may be a brief appearance on Boxing Day … not much will have happened (ha! The voice of doom!) but will start the blog mid-afternoon when we’ve wrapped up the second test against the Windies.

And think hard and join in the fun of nominating some bit of tomfoolery for The ‘Pie’s own media awards, The Wankleys, which will appear as an end of year special.,