And looking to the local week ahead, 10AM this Wednesday will reveal the full cast of the three-ring circus aka Townsville City Council elections. Nominations closed 12 noon on Tuesday, and the next morning, the ballot draw for places on the voting papers will be held. Not much to say before then.
But First …
Ewen Jumbo Dumbo Jones, the member for Canberra in Townsville, is known for three things: impromptu dancing for news cameras, being probably the only MP with a forklift licence, and getting chucked out of the House of Reps.
But previous exiles have been imposed for his clown prince persona with too-boisterous interjections – this past week was different.
Rather than heckle on the subject under discussion, which those smart enough can get away with, Dumbo used the national stage to stick it directly to the odious Clive Palmer. The money-counting fatso from Fairfax was asking the PM a question about women in parliament, when Dumbo ‘changed the subject without notice’, pointedly asking about the rights of the sacked workers at Palmer’s nickel operation in Townsville.
Because of Dumbo’s track record , the speaker had no choice but to turf him out for the day. Now that is usually the occasion for a stern talking to by the government Whip, so presumably, being a whip, took himself off to the nearest toilet block and spoke sternly to himself in the mirror.
And the Prime Minister wasn’t fazed at all, endorsing Jones’ action by saying while it was out of order ‘the point was very well made’, and that Palmer should stop being a bottom-feeding, guzzling, money-grasping scumbag of a chisler (the PM actually said Mr Palmer ‘should look to his responsibilities,’ but we know what he meant – The Magpie is skilled in translating pollie-speak for the great unwashed).
But our resident ‘toonist Bentley this week recalled others who are no longer in the House who should be shame-faced. The news that Tasmania was more or less out of water sent Benters on an ironic trip down memory lane.
Let them drink sauv blanc!
Hillary And The Quest For The Oval Orifice
History of a different sort will be on the mind of Hillary Clinton if she becomes the next US President. The Clint will be looking to get even as the first thing on her agenda … at least that what the inimitable Larry Pickering reckons.
But first she has to get past whoever the Republicans choose as their candidate.
‘Brace yerself, Islam!’
If it should be Il Douche himself, The Clint may find herself running against a Nobel Peace Prize winner.
It’s true, this cross between a turkey and peacock has been nominated to get the Nobel gong. The person doing the nominating – who fortuitously for them remain anonymous for 50 years – should not be allowed near the kitchen knife drawer.
The mystery person selected the GOP frontrunner for “his vigorous peace through strength ideology, used as a threat weapon of deterrence against radical Islam, ISIS, nuclear Iran and Communist China.”
The confusion must be in the award’s title … this poor drongo obviously thought it was ‘a Noble Piece Prize’. – as in ‘I’ll have a bloody piece of those bastards.’
Speaking Of Confusion …
There’s one very confused surgeon down Robina way. This ageing sawbones ‘accidentally’ stapled a woman’s vagina during bowel surgery (‘No, no, doc, you’re not operating on the front bum, look, around here’). That was three years ago but the surgeon was allowed to continue working under supervision. For all the good that did.
Our man apparently isn’t overly familiar with the territory in which he operates, because he’s now left a hernia patient with what is clinically described as ‘major urological trauma’ – that is medical jargon for – as they used say (apparently) down at the army pox hospital – ‘like pissing through broken glass’.
But the headline gets a special Wankley Award mention.
‘ Yes, sir, you wanted to see me. We what? Gawd, really? Look, we’re … ummmm … really sorry. We’ll probe into it. What do you mean, ‘no you bloody won’t, you’ve been probed enough? Look you can’t discharge yourself in your jim jams, and stop waving that crutch at me.’’
Just as well the surgeon didn’t fancy a career as a circumciser.
Correct English – A Croc In A Hat
Some people can combine luck and charisma to make their mark in the world, and although it’s early days, it would seem new Astonisher editor Ben English is making a big impression down on Flinders Street West.
Astonisher’s new boy on the (chopping) block, Ben English
The Magpie hears that the newsroom is now a chirpier place to work since Bennyglish (great twitter handle) took over from Pinocchio Heywood. He’s said to be more interested in reporting standards than his predecessors, and apparently is a likeable bloke – The ‘Pie hears that he has particularly charmed the pants of ladies – metaphorically of course, he’s a happily married bloke, but the word is there is many a glowing gal indulges in a flight of fancy after lights out and pillows are hugged. Mr Hun must wonder what the hell’s going on.
And leaving aside his odious data farming of the jobless, Mr English is having a dream run, although not all of his own making. The Astonisher has a new look, which is yet to settle into a regular style but it is an improvement despite looking a bit cramped and messy at times. But Bennyglish blitzed the news cycle with the croc on the Strand story (sadly, the usual overkill for days afterwards which he had the misjudgment to say it had the paper ‘sort of popping off the newsstand’. The paper enjoyed only a mild spike in sales, according to The Magpie’s city-wide informants.)
But what does have it popping of the newsstands in truly spectacular fashion is the Cat In The Hat offer of Dr Suess books for just $2.60 and a token from the paper. The promotion is halfway through a two-week run, and is a clear winner (The ‘Pie will be generous and refrain from any comment that the reading age for the Dr Suess books and paper are roughly the same). Maybe the next promotion could be a Croc in a Hat.
But Those Bloody Numbers
But Bennyboy this week clearly saw the task ahead of him, with the year-on-year audited circulation figures just released seeing the paper drop below 19,000 weekday sales for the first time in decades.
Perhaps it is cold comfort (and nothing to do with the new ed) that the buttock-puckering percentages of the past have eased somewhat. Just 387 readers gave up the ghost in the year Monday to Friday, while Saturday was down a modest 647 on the previous byear. Those digital subscription numbers remain a cot case, and the Saturday numbers are disconcerting to everybody. Do you laugh or cry when you see that the paper continues to gouge the local real estate industry (and ergo those ordinary folks involved in property), with advertising prices not dropping commensurately with circulation (more than 40% down in five years).
Larf Of The Week
Some have suggested that The Magpie should return to the paper, and one demented soul suggested they might gently fly that kite to the new editor. The Magpie, a realist even if he wanted to rejoin the Astonisher (he doesn’t and wouldn’t), told the kind-hearted but somewhat addled person that he’d like to be a fly on the wall when they ran that one by Ann Attila The Hen Roebuck. But they’d better be standing close to the door.
Sadly The Way Of The Future Is Seen In Britain This Week
The highly respected British newspaper The Independent has followed many an American example and is to become Britain’s first major newspaper to stop printing a paper edition.
The decision was made when circulation hits the rocks at 40,000, when in its 1990s heyday, it was 10 times that.
It is considered a matter of ‘when not if’ that wholly digital newsplatforms will be the only news source here in Australia, but in the ‘Ville, a likely scenario that has been talked about at the Bulletin for almost a decade is the possibility of the three-day-a-week paper. To start with.
We can but wait and see.
The Importance Of Grammar
Old fashioned notion, I know, but here’s a good example why the rules should be followed … imagine if there was no comma and capital letter in this headline from the Guardian.
Well, there a picture to go with it, anyway.
But hell, a mastiff gotta do what a mastiff’s gotta do.
But Some Are Smarter Than Others
Walloper speak sometimes leave our bluebag chums in the force open to some snappy comebacks. This has been around for a while, but with all the drug busts in the news of late, time to trot it out again.
