A tale of two journalists: two former Magpie colleagues made their different farewells this week, but only one will be remembered with respect.

The ‘Pie reports on the other Harry Potter: Channel TEN’s legendary police reporter and former Magpie chum has died at 72. The ‘Pie remembers the man who was best known for what he meant, not necessarily what he said …

On the local scene, Les Messagebank Walker comes on like an irresponsible fight promoter, and his former work colleagues aren’t amused …

… and how to get the shits, and enjoy it: the Israelis have the answer.

Depending on your politics and/or your religion, Israelis give some people the shits bigtime, especially Palestinians. But it would seem they don’t give each other the shits sufficiently to eradicate that curse of old style Yiddish cooking, i.e constipation.

So medical researchers in Tel Aviv put on their  thinking yarmulkas, and have come up with a startling new medication … a laxative pill that vibrates in the colon! Sounds silly at first, then it sounds feasible … and then, for a niche market of personal adventurers, it will sound like fun. Judge for yourself (no it’s a news report, there’s no video).

The share price in gerbil stocks looks set to tumble, when this breakthrough reaches the market.

Here in Oz, just about everyone has the tom tits about the forthcoming budget, so that got Bentley thinking that Dr Joe Hockey is already ahead of the game with his own political colon vibrating pill.

 Well, the Israeli version is certainly one item that won’t be required on the trimmed-down pharmaceutical list – not as long as Wingnut’s government remains hell-bent on it current fiscal shakedown.

But all those razor gangs seem to be in sloppy haste to give us the bad news, so just to prove it isn’t just The Astonisher asleep at the subbing wheel, we found this.

Well, one supposes their expertise is numbers, but the jury is out on that, too.

Moving on.

Now The ‘Pie may be running the risk of seeming to have an unhealthy fascination with matters colonic this week, but this is just too funny, naughty and clever to not pass on.

On first viewing, the old bird thought was a rather bizarre leg-pull, but it turns out that the product – an air freshener called Poo Pouri – is real and this is a real commercial. You can all rap along here.

And here’s the startling pic of the week, which The ‘Pie is assured is not photoshopped. It’s from LA, where parallel runways operate at the international airport there, so two aircraft approach landing side by side, although there is of course a wide safety margin between them.

But while these pilots seem to have control of the situation, on the other side of the continent, there was this exchange at Kennedy in New York that will make travellers think twice about using Chinese airlines.

Other matters.

The Magpie was saddened today to hear of the passing of his former boss, journalist  Harry Potter.

‘H’, as he was universally known, is best remembered for his crime reporting for the TEN network, but in the early 80s, he was called on to run news sport at Channel 10 in Sydney. The Magpie was then a TEN sports reporter and the weekend sports producer (a task that required a Saturday and Sunday exchange of news with his Melbourne counterpart, a brash, up-and-coming rosy-cheeked reporter named Eddie McGuire.)

Harry had an admirable work ethic, and was a passionate father of – at that time, his only – son Tim, named after friend and work colleague Tim Webster, who often co-hosted the news with Katrina Lee, Harry’s wife.

But Harry was best known for his role as a TV crime reporter, trademark trench coat slung over his shoulder as he  walked into shot, rattling off dire facts about sometimes horrendous misdeeds in a flint-like staccato delivery.  Harry’s passion for this role often led him to make off-the-cuff statements that became known in the industry as Harryisms. His most famous was ‘ … the headless body lay facedown on the floor’.

Harry particularly hated crimes against kids, and during a sotto voce report from the burial service for a youngster battered to death by a stepfather, Harry told us that ‘this will be the final resting police of a young child, battered to death with an iron for misbehaving, when a simple clip around the ear was all that was needed.’ (The ‘Pie confesses he hasn’t seen the lengthy Harryism’s reel for many years,  so the quotes may not be word perfect). My own favorite, which had many of us scratching our heads was Harry’s report on a home invasion of an elderly couple when he told us ‘Police do not believe the motive was robbery, although the couple were Jewish’.

Harry sometimes disputed many Harryisms, but there was enough evidence to show many of them were true. But they never overshadowed his professional reporting, or the respect which his colleagues and police of all ranks held for him.

Harry died of cancer overnight, aged just 72. It was reported to be a peaceful passing with his wife and children at his bedside.

Vale Harry.

There was a different farewell of sorts this week from a very different reporter.

The Astonisher’s Emily Macdonald is heading down to the Gold Coast Bulletin at the behest of former Astonisher colleague Kath ‘Wobbles’ Webber, who is now that paper’s editor.

But one of Macdonald’s final tweets before heading off was not appreciated by a number of former Astonisher colleagues.

That tweet prompted this comment during the week from The Magpie.

The Magpie May 8, 2014 at 9:30 am  (Edit)

Indeed, farewell, and what a lovely little goodbye note from Emily on Twitter. It clearly demonstrates that she really does have what it takes to go a long way in News Corpse.

Her tweet summed all those sterling qualities which will no doubt carry her through a stellar career on Planet Murdoch.

Here’s what she said on Twitter yesterday – (WordPress comments don’t allow for visuals, but the tweet will be posted in this week’s blog).

‘Terrible news today for our friends at Fairfax. 70 jobs to go. Quality journalism can’t be produced without quality reporters and photographers.’

Hey, Emily, we must have missed those sentiments when almost 70 of YOUR Townsville Bulletin colleagues were being so off-handedly shafted by Michael The Ogre of Ogden Street Wilkins and his attack chihuahua Typo Gleeson four or five years ago. Not a single dicky bird, m’dear, for your mates, your colleagues – yes, your actual friends. (Bet you don’t know a single Fairfax journo, and possibly no ‘quality reporters’).

Now, can’t blame you for that under the circumstances of wanting to keep your job, BUT to later tweet this sort of cant about a rival organisation while remaining silent when the same situation arose in your own newsroom says volumes about you.

Yes, just a single sentence clearly highlights an abundance of News Corpse most core values – breathtaking hypocrisy, selective memory, moral cowardice and above all, self-aggrandisement.

Here, just to save you the trouble

:
cant 1 |kant|
noun
1 hypocritical and sanctimonious talk, typically of a moral, religious, or political nature :

Tully’s gain is the Gold Coast’s loss.

But Ms Macdonald didn’t have all the week’s thoughtless grandstanding to herself.

Councillor Les Messagebank Walker, commenting on the ban on smoking in Queensland prisons, which was introduced on May 1, honked on portentously about staff safety, suggesting the outcome ‘could be horrendous’.  The Astonisher quoted him because he is a former screw, but he only ever worked at the Cleveland Detention Centre, the holiday camp for little snots, where smoking isn’t allowed anyway.

in his interview this week, he also gave some handy hints for those craving for a smoke of anything, pointing out that bible pages would be the go, since they were made of rice paper, and could be used to roll up tea leaves for a smoke.

Some of Messagebank’s former colleagues are less than impressed with his prediction of riots, couched in his trite phrase ‘ The place could up in smoke for the sake of a smoke’.

Prison officers who contacted The ‘Pie were furious with this statement, because they believe crims … who face the cruel and unnatural extra punishment of having to read The Astonisher before trying to make rollies out of it – will see this as some independent community sympathy for their plight. And as old lags do, they will be emboldened and feel justified to cause trouble because they believe they have outside support.

The ‘Pie is told that the male prisoners had already compensating with extra gym training – handy for those tricky high-set Queenslanders when they get out – but it is the women who are taking it hard, with a few minor incidents on record. At least they won’t be needing a post coital puff … at least, we hope not.

As previously reported here, the going rate for a packet of fags, if they can be smuggled to die-hard smokers, is $200.

The general opinion is – if Messagebank can stop his public wand stroking – that everything will settle down with a few weeks.

The ‘Pie bets the move will spawn a new euphemism.

‘Haven’t seen Nugget lately?’

‘Nah, he’s off the smokes for nine months.’

‘Har, waddid he do, rob a tobacconist hur hur hur.’

Enough now, it is off to Poseurs’ Bar, where the old bird will first bebubble a suitable companion, whom he knows is a pet lover, and then use use some imagery to hint at the night ahead.

First this ….

… followed up by this subtle hint.

The dog’s name is Dick.

(Note: this just one of the funnies posted on the (Cyber) Space Junk page. Drop in for a quick laugh every day. Access by going to the Magpie site, scroll down to the Cyber Junk page and use link to open.)